AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

[QueenOfDragon]

Name changed for this because of content.

Just found out from a family friend a secret about my parents that’s left me feeling sick to be honest. I knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Today I found out that my dad not only knew about the affairs but actively encouraged them. My mum had regular threesomes with my dad’s friend and his wife. My mum slept with my dad’s friends whilst my dad was asleep upstairs. Basically they were known for it. As a couple - they knew he gave consent and she slept with all these men.

I’ve had difficulties over the years questioning if my childhood was neglectful in some way. We had a lovely home, food and well, love. Apart from my dad’s awful moods and temper - my mum was a fantastic care giver.

They are both still together and well into their late 70s now.

I will never mention this to them or my sister but am I reasonable to feel that to act this way as parents, with two young girls is pretty bad? Regardless of how “normal” you try and play at happy families?

Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work - the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”. Honestly I’m appalled.

Hold onto this “my mum was a fantastic care giver”

That did cross my mind - I just don’t know. My mum is not the sort of person you could EVER imagine having this history.

Yes - thank you! Xx

Yes I do feel differently. Hopefully that feeling will pass in time.

That person heard rumors that may be based on some truth, but some stuff will be exaggerated. I would ignore it. He didn’t see it or be a part of it, just heard some rumours.

My husband and I have an open relationship but we’ve knocked it on the head now we have a little daughter. Maybe in the future we’ll open up again, away from the house and only ever when she‘s away with Girl Guides (or whatever she gets into)!

So, depending on the context (I would say the abuse you allude to isn’t healthy), there’s nothing bad about your parents doing it per se, but I couldn’t imagine partaking where our daughter could see. Just like I wouldn’t initiate sex with my
husband if I thought she was about to toddle in! I’m sorry you had to grow up with that OP

It's so unnecessary for someone to have said this to you. I mean, how do they know? And who on earth thinks people want to hear about their parents sex lives?

Tell whoever said it you don't want or need to know about that and how would they like you telling them what their parents got upto in the bedroom?

Because her parents sex life is of absolutely no concern of hers.

My mum had numerous affairs too and didn’t do that good to hide it. One was with my best friends uncle who she couldn’t wait to tell me, I come home from grans on a Sunday morning and they were still in bed. Never ever spoke about them to her as an adult, she has a very short memory with her behaviours. Now loves to take the moral high ground with lots of annoying things. I don’t think kids or grown up kids should really know about their parents sex life, good or bad. It gives me the genuine ick.

My mum was a bit of a goer. I'm pretty sure it was a factor in my parents divorce. Something about her having got up to something behind some hay bales with another bloke. As a divorcee, she put it about a fair bit for a while before settling down with the most staid bloke you can imagine.

Dad married again and then proceeded to shag his way round the place he worked.

A friend of mums, married her whole adult life, had a series of affairs. One after the other. Her husband knew and tolerated it, as did the families of the men she had the affairs with.

I've had some less than conventional goings on myself (like mother like daughter?).

We're all just people. It's less than ideal when our kids find out but then, most of the kids aren't squeaky clean either.

Yet I was exposed to it. Did you miss the first memory part? Can you imagine how confusing it is as a very small child to find your mother kissing a man that is not your father?

No one wants to see or hear about their parents sex life, so it can be disturbing to hear the details. But parents are people two - they have their likes, dislikes, fetishes and preferences. I’d try, as best you can, to forget about it.

Goodness, I’m sorry. That must have been awful for you.

Yep this is true. I’ve come to realise there are many skeletons in the old cupboards!

Not read the full thread. But ... do you really know the full info? Ex made out I am the abusive sex mad one but the reality is that he would throw a strop if I didn't sleep with others, threaten to remove the children etc. He choreographed the whole thing and did this with previous partners. Listen to "swingers" a bbc podcast for further insight. Your mother may or may not have willingly participated. She may have been protecting you all and preserving the status quo. Best wishes.

My pals abusive dad also would bring ow back to their house for sex and would be fking in the other room while wife was making tea for the three kids. My Pal walked in on him receiving oral from a woman. Affected her for many years.

If your Dad is abusive towards your Mum, and he is aware of the men that your Mum had sex with, then it's entirely possible she was forced/pressurised into it? These weren't men she randomly picked up, these were men your Dad knew and worked with. Some men get off on knowing their wife/girlfriend is sexually desired by other men, and them having sex with her.

Equally your parents may have had an open marriage? And both of your parents may have had other partners, with the other person having full knowledge.

I can understand the shock of finding out that your parents didn't have a conventional sex life. However, you don't know if your Mum was consenting to these liaisons or if she had been forced into it. I think then, it's very unfair to judge her, because you don't know all the facts, and neither does the person who told you.

It's a bit of a fetish...some abusive men encourage/coerce their wives into sleeping with other men, for their own gratification.

Perhaps your mum didn't initially want to do it, but got worn down over time and then began to enjoy it.

Oh come on, no one wants to know this about their own parents ffs 🙄

I had similar but with my grandparents on my mother's side

Both where nasty and abusive people who only married as she fell pregnant (she was almost 7 months when they wed and shed already given one baby up for adoption as she was born out of wedlock)

I'm convinced she was gay (or at least bi) as she had many female lovers long with the male ones (one of my aunts is almost certainly another man's child)

This went on at the time but wasn't spoken of-some of the men she went with abused my mother and her sisters and not only did their parents turn a blind eye,they joined in,they where very abusive people (my mother not only stayed in contact,she left us with them as children,we didnt want to know them as adults)

I felt exactly the same as you did when i found out-icky,dirty,confused and shocked but at the end of the day,it was their business and their lives

I do hold it against them that they didn't shield my mother/aunts from it,they will carry that for the rest of their lives and my mother has destroyed mine and my siblings lives because of the abuse

Why did this 'family friend' suddenly tell you after all these years?

?

Of course I can, but what can you do about it now? It isn’t what she/they were getting up to that is the issue, it’s their disrespect for allowing you to witness it. That’s two separate issues. Nothing ‘wrong’ with their sex life, everything wrong with their lack of discretion.

A 'friend' of your father's?

What sort of man would your father have been friends with? What sort of man would be in a position to be aware of what happened or at least be able to claim he knew what happened? What sort of man would feel it appropriate to go into explicit detail about what your mother allegedly did and emphasise that she was consenting, rather than coerced into it?

"My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her"

"Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work"

"My mum is not the sort of person you could EVER imagine having this history."

Given the number of cases I have read lately of men drugging their wives for other men to rape, getting off on their wife's degradation and humiliation; I'd be considering whether your mum was having affairs, or whether she was being actively pimped by your father to his workmates.

"the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”.
That 'common knowledge' was formed through the lens of personal bias and the mores of the times. This was the 1970s, presumably? The family friend, and others around him, were aware of your mother having sex with men other than your father. Unless your father blatantly pimped her to the family friend, that family friend (and others) would have assumed your mother was having affairs. Even now, post-Pelicot, we find it hard to get our head around the sheer depravity of some men.

I'm sorry to raise the possibility, because he is your dad and that must hurt too - but I don't think it's beyond reasonable doubt that your mother was 'just' having affairs. There are other possibilities, all of them horrib;e.

So sorry OP. This must all be so distressing for you.
((hug))