AIBU to think my friend should mind her own business?

[MounjaMum]

Last month I spent £540 in going out. That does not include when we go out as a family and my husband pays. I wanted a new handbag as I was running shot and didn't want to dip in savings so hinted to my husband and he gave me the money towards it. My friend said that it was unreasonable of me to do so.
She is saying that I should stop going out so much and should have left it till when I have the money. I am actually upset by the way she said it and told her as much and she is saying that I am acting like a spoilt 'bitch' - her exact words.
Am I being unreasonable in thinking that she should mind her own business!

I was going to say the same thing, but she actually does have it (millions apparently, as shared in a previous thread) and I couldn't decide which was the most important point to make.

Amazing she won’t spend any of it then!

and pointless giddy thread, I mean for minimum wage parents spending £500 a month going out is madness, a multi millionaire it’s irrelevant!

What a waste of time!

Goady not giddy

I think I can explain. It's because you wrote "I wanted a new handbag as I was running short" which reads that you were running short of handbags.

If you'd added either and or but before "as I was running short" it would have connected the running short to the money at the end of the sentence instead of the handbag at the beginning.

I'm not intending to be nasty btw.

So you don't really need to budget at the same level as many others, if at all. Your friend must know this and obviously knows you are married which implies a pooled resource. I think her comment is quite odd as well as insulting.

This thread appears to have already won the 'Bitch-Fest Pile-On of the Week' award, and it is still only Monday.

😐🙄

A multi millionaire that didnt have access to less than £500 for a handbag seems rather odd to me. I have far less than multi millions and even though I have money tied up in investments, I have money that is easily and instantly accessible for any random purchases.

Im not sure I believe someone has that level of wealth and cant access under £500 for a bag!

Yes, it's rather peculiar.

OP didn't say she couldn't access it though, she just said she didn't want to "dip" into it.

Obviously they deserve to be paid.

However, when you spend money in an independent shop/cafe/restaurant/take away the money stays locally. It doesn't end up in the pocket of some guy in a different country who doesn't pay tax.

How you spend your money directly effects your local economy.

Maybe it was just her opinion as we all often give when discussing different things.
If you don’t agree don’t let it bother you.

I am going to try and explain a few things then leave at as it seems no matter what I say, majority find something else to pick.
A pp said I was from a different culture...correct. my mum's grand parents came here and did really well in a very lucrative business...they started from scratch. My paternal grandparents were very comfortable too. My parents got lots of help and in turn also did really well financially and in their careers. I am from a culture where children don't do housework etc we concentrate on studies and pretty much get everything done for us. We had cleaners etc...pretty standard.
May be I grew up sheltered but growing up most of my friends were. That does not make me tone deaf...I am aware of a col crisis but what is unfair is people think it is ok to insult me because of my privileges but most of you think it is ok for footballers, singers, Richard Branson etc..noone seems to be insulting them!

I can and could afford the bag. I have access to money. I have savings that is fixed but also instantly accessible ones. We also have joint savings. My husband is a well off man, I am not taking his last pennies for my bag. He was happy to give me his card. I chose not to use my savings, why? I have no idea, just because he was there and there was no need for me floor transfer money from different accounts.
I think many people missed the point of this post but I cannot say I am surprised. I still take on board everything you said.
To those who understood and were helpful. Thank you!

I still call absolute crap on having that amount of money and not having access to funds in any way shape or form.

As I said I have nowhere near multi millions and everyone I know who has any excess cash has different types of savings. You have money easily accessible and then longer term savings and/or investments. No way on earth would you have that level of wealth and not have some easy to access money. Dipping into savings is completely different.

I know. I'm agreeing with you!

This still makes no sense, if you have instant access to money what was even the need for a discussion, it takes seconds to transfer money. It would have been faster than a call to your Husband.

You either have plenty of money and its not even a worry or you dont have the money and need your Husband to sort it.

And surely with that level of wealth your friend would know you have more than enough so the comment makes no sense. Surely a £420 handbag wouldn't even make a remote dent in your multi millions so why was it even something she commented on. It just doesnt make sense at all.

Ah ok, sorry I misunderstood.

BUT, your post was about your friends comment.

your friend was being a proper friend, hard to come by these days, that is close enough to you to genuinely call you out when you need it. You are risking losing this precious friendship over your reaction.

With patience OP, I think you’ve answered your own original question and scored a bit of an own goal even if you don’t have the self awareness to own it!

Your husband says (with love) that you are spoiled, at no point in your life have you ever been accountable for looking after yourself or your dependents, and you get what you want when you want it!!

Your friend is likely either of British heritage or more assimilated than you and realises that this is not in any way typical in the UK - particularly I might add IME of families from “old money”. Given that she’s not wrong about the spoilt bit I don’t think you can describe her calling you out on it as unreasonable even if you found it uncomfortable. Fair enough if you’d rather she didn’t include the word bitch.

For myself, I don’t believe in hinting. I don’t want other people hinting to me to give them money. Not even in my marriage. An article I read called it “Dry Begging”. And I agree that if you aren’t prepared for someone else’s opinion, don’t share that information with them. I can see that the friend sounded rather harsh. But OP kind of left herself open to it.

Because you wouldn’t have been going on about money.

The point of your post was to question whether your friend was unreasonable to comment and call you spoiled. As she is very close friend (according to your own assessment), she was accurate and reasonable (perhaps not to use the word bitch but it depends on the tone and the way the two of you tend to speak to each other). To be fair, it sounds as if she is also rather spoiled.

What I find very odd and would be extremely grating to most people is that someone who is v wealthy through inheritance would:
-Have a converation with a friend about how broke they are and how they can't go out until pay day. That is a very distasteful thing to do.
-'Hint' to their husband that they want him to buy them a bag rather than either pay themselves given large amount of savings or be direct with husband and ask in a normal way.

Apart from that, I think most people find it very strange for a parent to take their DC to eat out every evening because they can't cook even a simple meal. This also makes you sound very incapable and spoiled.

Hinting in adults is manipulative and immature, especially between couple with shared finances. If I want something (and I'm no stranger to an expensive handbag) I buy it if I know we can afford it or I go without. If it's a particularly extravagant purchase I might say to DH 'I'm thinking of getting x but it's expensive'. Generally he'll just shrug and say OK or he might suggest I delay for a couple of months until we get big expenses settled. Once in a blue moon he's expressed the opinion that I must be mad and we do t have that kind of money - and he's right!

We are reasonably well off and I'm lucky enough to enjoy a lot of life's luxuries but I don't go boasting about it to my friends or telling them how much I spend on things. That's crass.

It sounds like you overshared in the first place so can’t really be annoyed - boundaries blurred

Gently OP, maybe she's a true friend and trying to help you see some financial sense....dipping into savings to buy a handbag doesn't sound reasonable really, but them I'm probably a lot older than you are. And you probably have more money than I do!
If you just want a friend who agrees with everything you say or do, maybe look elsewhere...
Hugs 🤗