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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my friend should mind her own business?

331 replies

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 10:05

Last month I spent £540 in going out. That does not include when we go out as a family and my husband pays. I wanted a new handbag as I was running shot and didn't want to dip in savings so hinted to my husband and he gave me the money towards it. My friend said that it was unreasonable of me to do so.
She is saying that I should stop going out so much and should have left it till when I have the money. I am actually upset by the way she said it and told her as much and she is saying that I am acting like a spoilt 'bitch' - her exact words.
Am I being unreasonable in thinking that she should mind her own business!

OP posts:
Pinkchickenwine · 22/06/2026 13:39

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 13:10

I will put it down to a throwaway comment. May be she was having a bad day. She is being her normal self - sending links for dresses for Saturday, so I will not bring it up when I see her for coffee.
She is a good friend and I value her friendship.
I will also take on board what some posters have said about not talking about money to friends. I still think that some posters have been unreasonable and mean towards my relationship with my husband and me as a mother.
It has made me question - have sent my husband a message and asked how he genuinely feels and if it gives him the ick.
I always used to to that with my parents - so may be it is a habit that I may have to give up if my husband finds it weird too.

You messaged your husband at work that question? Have some bloody self respect and respect for him working!

Surely you could’ve discussed this face to face this evening?

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 13:43

Pinkchickenwine · 22/06/2026 13:39

You messaged your husband at work that question? Have some bloody self respect and respect for him working!

Surely you could’ve discussed this face to face this evening?

Is 'Have some self-respect' the new fashion statement these days?
I have been very polite on my thread as I am not a mean/offensive person - but some people are just too much - I know if I can or cannot test my husband while he is at work. Or is that something else that I am lowering myself about?

OP posts:
Woodfiresareamazing2 · 22/06/2026 13:44

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 13:32

No growing up, I would say 'I really like this dress mum, or these new trainers are lovely- and they would get it for me' It did not necessarily mean I was asking them to get it- they just got it.
If I really wanted something, then I would ask direct - like 'Can I have new shoes or new jacket etc
Nearing my birthday - I would him 'A new bag would make a great present'. My dad used to say when I was little' I used to dream about things and would tell them I dreamt that they got me a new Barbie for my birthday
Edit to say - of course I could not afford, I was not working

Edited

So you have been conditioned from an early age to conspicuously consume, and 'hint' to get what you want.

And it's been very successful.

Pinkchickenwine · 22/06/2026 13:45

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 13:43

Is 'Have some self-respect' the new fashion statement these days?
I have been very polite on my thread as I am not a mean/offensive person - but some people are just too much - I know if I can or cannot test my husband while he is at work. Or is that something else that I am lowering myself about?

Yes I think you test your husband a lot! Very testing indeed!

Scout2016 · 22/06/2026 13:46

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 13:04

Now you are just being silly - who repairs handbags? Next you will say get a thread and needle and sew my clothes instead of getting new ones.

Edited

I was thinking people were being harsh until you said this.
Now I think you sound utterly materialistic and clueless or tone deaf about how privileged you are.

But in respect of your origional question- you wanted an expensive item, you have savings but didn't want to use your own money or wait just a month for payday, you had already used your own wages for unnecessary things and so you tapped your husband for it. I can see why your friend said what she did, even if she's being hypocritical. Running short on handbags is a very first world problem.

But if you and your husband are happy with the dynamic then it's fine and it doesn't matter a jot what people on MN think.

Statsquestion1 · 22/06/2026 13:49

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 12:05

@Enigma54 - My kids were not involved in this.
@Statsquestion1 - I do not save on a monthly basis - I already have savings.

are we talking 100s, 1000s, 10000s or more?

Yoonimum · 22/06/2026 13:49

I don't think it's an odd topic to discuss with a very close friend and differences of opinion are to be expected and tolerated. What I wouldn't tolerate is my friend or anyone else calling me a bitch.
Separately, you and your husband seem to be getting through shedloads of money on non-essentials! I know that IS your business but you did say you are not great at budgeting. Are you spending at the expense of paying off your mortgage, saving to help children get through uni or for your pension? I don't have your sums to spend but if I did I'd only do it if all those things were on track.

Jollyhockeystickss · 22/06/2026 13:56

I cant believe youve come to MM to talk about a bloody handbag

ZorbaTheHoarder · 22/06/2026 13:59

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 10:16

@Statsquestion1 Yes, that also included going out with my son when DH was away for work. (I did not cook the whole week he was away as he usually does most of the cooking).
That was not savings - just spending money that is left after all bills etc are done.

That's a great way to get through a lot of money very quickly, OP!

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:02

Statsquestion1 · 22/06/2026 13:49

are we talking 100s, 1000s, 10000s or more?

A lot more in inheritance from my parents -possibly more to get.

OP posts:
EarthaKittsVoice · 22/06/2026 14:03

Malasana · 22/06/2026 10:47

No it’s is not normal to speak about how much things cost.
Are you not in the UK OP? If you aren’t then that could explain it.
In the UK it is considered rude to speak about how much things cost to this extent. This may be why you’re getting the replies you are.

I'm from London and it's normal between my good friends and myself to talk abput the cost of things. Also saying, 'I'm broke till payday' - doesn't always mean the person has no money, but no money spare for 'fun'

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:03

Yoonimum · 22/06/2026 13:49

I don't think it's an odd topic to discuss with a very close friend and differences of opinion are to be expected and tolerated. What I wouldn't tolerate is my friend or anyone else calling me a bitch.
Separately, you and your husband seem to be getting through shedloads of money on non-essentials! I know that IS your business but you did say you are not great at budgeting. Are you spending at the expense of paying off your mortgage, saving to help children get through uni or for your pension? I don't have your sums to spend but if I did I'd only do it if all those things were on track.

We no longer have a mortgage and my children have a trust fund from my parents
We also have savings for them

OP posts:
MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:04

EarthaKittsVoice · 22/06/2026 14:03

I'm from London and it's normal between my good friends and myself to talk abput the cost of things. Also saying, 'I'm broke till payday' - doesn't always mean the person has no money, but no money spare for 'fun'

Thank you!!!!

OP posts:
MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:04

Jollyhockeystickss · 22/06/2026 13:56

I cant believe youve come to MM to talk about a bloody handbag

it was never about the handbag but my friend's comment - everyone made it about the handbag - which is completely irrelevant to me

OP posts:
Kisskiss · 22/06/2026 14:05

This is probably not the norm for most. And I am guilty of spoiling my toddler a little but am definitely trying not to cultivate this sort of habit where he talks about what he wants and someone buys it for him.. it’s not super healthy to grow up thinking things just appear?
I mean this in a nice way, I can see how if you are always talking about how you mention things and stuff appears your friend could see you as ‘spoilt’ and as a good friend she’s probably thinking that telling you is helping you. Maybe the delivery could have been better but the message is genuine and fair

Kisskiss · 22/06/2026 14:06

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:04

it was never about the handbag but my friend's comment - everyone made it about the handbag - which is completely irrelevant to me

Well, her comment wasn’t too unreasonable. If you are short of money and the handbag isn’t the most critical thing at the moment then maybe it can wait

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 22/06/2026 14:08

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:03

We no longer have a mortgage and my children have a trust fund from my parents
We also have savings for them

So it's completely untrue to say you "can't afford something until payday" - you could go and buy 10 handbags, if you REALLY wanted to make sure you didn't run out.

You like pretending that you can't afford something, and hinting to your DP so he buys it for you - this is how you feel loved, as it's what your parents did for years.

Honestly, OP, I can totally see why your friend called you a spoilt bitch.

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:14

I never said I was running out of handbags - people are just making things up now which is hurtful.
I was running short (shot) of money to get the handbag and I did not want to get it from the savings - I think this shows that I am not awful with money.

OP posts:
Statsquestion1 · 22/06/2026 14:15

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:02

A lot more in inheritance from my parents -possibly more to get.

I can’t see why you couldn’t dip in then tbh!?

SandyHappy · 22/06/2026 14:15

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 13:32

No growing up, I would say 'I really like this dress mum, or these new trainers are lovely- and they would get it for me' It did not necessarily mean I was asking them to get it- they just got it.
If I really wanted something, then I would ask direct - like 'Can I have new shoes or new jacket etc
Nearing my birthday - I would him 'A new bag would make a great present'. My dad used to say when I was little' I used to dream about things and would tell them I dreamt that they got me a new Barbie for my birthday
Edit to say - of course I could not afford, I was not working

Edited

No growing up, I would say 'I really like this dress mum, or these new trainers are lovely- and they would get it for me' It did not necessarily mean I was asking them to get it- they just got it.

Makes sense, you learned early that if you showed an interest or hinted at something it was bought for you.. it doesn't mean 'you were asking for them' but it really it kind of does, because you wanted them, you mentioned it to your parents and you KNEW they would get it for you if you did this. You've obviously continued this pattern with your husband because it works for you.

It's not at all how I was bought up, but we were poor!

You had options, you could have bought it yourself from savings, you could have gone out a bit less to afford it, you could have used a different handbag and not bought a new one at all.. all things I assume is what your friend would have done (or had to do!)

But 'hinting' to get someone else into buying it for you instead is quite a spoiled way to live in fairness, great that this is an option available to you, but don't expect everyone else to see it as anything other than being spoiled.

Pinkchickenwine · 22/06/2026 14:18

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:14

I never said I was running out of handbags - people are just making things up now which is hurtful.
I was running short (shot) of money to get the handbag and I did not want to get it from the savings - I think this shows that I am not awful with money.

No it means you’re impulsive, why couldn’t you wait for the handbag if you were only short? Only handbag in the world, so you had to have it now!! Why?

No one is being hurtful, you may not like the responses, but they’re not hurtful!

Pinkchickenwine · 22/06/2026 14:19

Pinkchickenwine · 22/06/2026 14:18

No it means you’re impulsive, why couldn’t you wait for the handbag if you were only short? Only handbag in the world, so you had to have it now!! Why?

No one is being hurtful, you may not like the responses, but they’re not hurtful!

That does mean you’re bad with money!!

Scarlettpixie · 22/06/2026 14:27

Your friend is right. You are acting spoilt, spending all that on socialising and saying you are broke, then hinting to your husband about a bag so that he would get it for you and thinking that is normal.

If you and your friend are similarly off I can see why you might talk about spending but surely you can see why she commented (it's not possible for us to tell if this was jokey or serious as we weren't there). If she is serious and behaves similarly she is unreasonable to comment as she did. At the end of the day, if you and your husband can afford it and you are both happy then crack on. If your friend is touchy about it then maybe share a bit less with her.

All that aside, you seem oblivious to how privileged you are compared to most people. You are throwing around sums which are more than a lot of people have to live on after bills (i.e. for food, fuel, socialising and anything else - parking, a gift for a party etc etc). You are saying it wasn't an expensive bag but a £400+ bag is massively out of reach to most people. I have just treated myself to a bag this weekend that was £55 and feel a little bit guilty about it. Over £100 for me would be an expensive bag but £55 is not spent without thought. For others £55 would be unthinkable. I think that is why you are getting such a hard time.

MounjaMum · 22/06/2026 14:27

Thank you everyone for your comments

My husband called back - he is actually shocked about some of the responses I told him I got on here. He is happy with our family and how things are. I can continue to be his 'spoilt princess' - definitely not a bitch. He also thinks my friend's comment was a throwaway one as she can hardly comment on my lifestyle considering her own and she is not a judgemental person. He certainly is not leaving me he says.

This very unfit mother is going to do the school run now, sort my kids out and go to the gym later. Therefore I will not respond often but I will check back in as I do not like posters who post and then disappear, that is why I try and answer as much as I can. I spent my day on the laptop today!

OP posts:
Kalanthe · 22/06/2026 14:28

She’s just jealous 😂 As long as you’re not getting in debt to buy that handbag there’s nothing wrong with it. If your husband makes enough money to buy it comfortably, milk him like a cow. By the sounds of it you’re responsible with money and have savings which you don’t spend frivolously, nothing wrong with that. Not everyone has to live like a frugal monk.

I’d let that friend moan if it makes her feel better about her own life and in the future not brag about my spending habits in front of her. People are jealous and sometimes we have to make ourselves look smaller to keep peace unfortunately

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