Performative drivel from grown adults

[Karryw]

A few of my friends with fathers who are very much alive and well, but not on instagram - posting stories wishing them a HFD! Pick up the bloody phone and tell them for goodness sake.

Performative nonsense, or is it me?

I too am guilty of being sneery at posts to people no longer with us.

Until this thread, but I still couldn’t put my finger on exactly why I was starting to see it from the other viewpoint.

Until this post. Saying what others had said, I acknowledge that, but this was the bit… “ doesn’t mean to say he can’t be acknowledged”.

I’m so sorry for your loss of your son BellaVita x

I left Facebook in 2012 and don’t use it for keeping in touch as most of my family and friends have moved to Insta and Snapchat.

Howvever, I know a few lovely people who died and their Facebooks are now ‘In Memoriam’ with all their posts, however twee, preserved for their family and friends forever (or at least until Facebook shuts down).

In the old days dad wasn’t on Facebook but mum was and she’d show him the post. I’d generally have phoned too. But also telling the world he’s a great dad.

I didn’t post this year publicly as my partner lost his dad a few months ago so just did one that just my parents/sibling can see.
but I do like seeing all the posts from my friends on their dads whether alive or dead. Or them about their husbands on behalf of their kids, it’s just nice.

Nobody is using this to find comfort or make themselves feel better

i can’t stand these performative posts and that’s me
i have a shake of the head and an eye roll and that’s it
people post whatever drivel they want doesn’t affect me in the slightest but I’m more than entitled to have and opinion it that I keep to myself or share on an anonymous forum

Read the thread. Posting about my dad (who only died a few months ago) made me feel better and did bring me comfort. I am not the only one on this thread.

If you want to shit on that, then I will be shaking my head and eye rolling at you. How sad for you to judge people in such a way, and make your views public to those very people.

Thank you.

I mean we’re taking about performative posts In general
we have a couple of friends who put everything on Facebook including when he cooked her a meal for her birthday and she put a post on to thank him
I just don’t get it she was sat at the same table
my sister does all the heavenly fathers day ,Christmas and birthdays and if the what she wants to do and she gets some comfort then fine
each to there own is my point I won’t be going in with a comment or a thumbs up up

I have no Idea what the problem is having a different opinion that I keep to myself

I’m not sure how I’d offend them scrolling through Facebook in my own home on my own shaking my head and eye rolling

Iv always found it funny seeing birthday posts where parents are addressing their young children directly 😆 when i post about my kids birthdays I always stating its their birthdays and how much I love them etc., but I don't write it as a message directed to them because how on earth are they ever going to see that!

Nobody is using this to find comfort or make themselves feel better

Says who? You?

I have family members who have lost relatives (including children) who will post on birthdays or special days in memory of their loved one. For them, it helps keep their memory alive and I know for a fact that they find comfort in the responses they get from friends e.g. "what a great day that was" in response to a photo of their loved one at a football match, gig, etc.

You can eye roll all you want but people deal with grief in different ways and in today's world this is one of them.

I don't really care for mother's day or father's day, and I understand your point about it being performative but also people deserve to take up space. Even if that space is the internet.

You don't have to like what they post. It's their space. Nobody should make themselves small just because it is performative.

I don't really understand why this bothers you, first of all. It's having zero material impact on your life and you're not obliged to follow anyone on social media, or to use it at all.

My dad was never on social media. But I always used to share some pictures of him on Father's Day. I did that because I loved him, I was proud to be his daughter, and I wanted to share that with people and to celebrate lovely dads in general. Among my social media followers are my mum, siblings, various relatives, and also a lot of friends of mine who remembered my dad from when we were kids, and who were fond of him and always asked after him.

A lot of my friends did/do the same with their own dads and I always like seeing the photos.

Obviously everyone also tells their dad all this stuff in person.

To me, it is pleasant and enjoyable to see people celebrating an objectively nice thing - in this case their relationship with their dad, but it could be their kids starting school or graduating, their wedding anniversary, Mother's Day, whatever.

I don't think that's 'performative drivel'. I think it's people talking about a nice thing with their friends.

Fortunately my friends aren't the sort of people who are bitter and resentful about this type of thing.

It was inferred the person was slagging them of to make themselves better

the thing is people jump straight in with examples of a child’s death that doesn’t fall into the performative bracket at all

to me performative is gushing displays of random shit from new sofa ,10 out of 10 spelling test , massive pile of shit presents at Christmas, having your tea made , and things like that

people do can do what they want ( including me having a different opinion) it upto them

I’m a big fan of performative drivel in general.

Though I don’t love the posts with the piles of kids’ Christmas/b’day presents. We all have our thing I guess.

I used to write daft pieces each year about my dad which he never saw, usually with a photo, about a specific memory. For the last few I had moved in to care for him.
When he was dying, but still with it, I told him about them and he asked to see the photos and for me to read them. They were a starting point for some funny conversations.
He has been gone 10 years now, I have no other family, so they aren’t performative as they have no meaning for anyone else.
But all of them bring me a great deal of comfort and I enjoy writing them.
Yesterday’s was about what we’d be talking about right now from hydration breaks at the World Cup to how long Starmer has left. I am terrible cook and he loved a roast dinner so I’d definitely have cheated via Deliveroo.
For me it’s not performative nonsense for everyone.

sil send birthday wishes to her kids that live with her on the family WhatsApp group. We all cringe.

That's lovely. Thanks for sharing that. I think we can all relate to our reminiscing with our lost ones, like that. I really enjoyed reading about the hydration breaks in particular! ❤️

A few people I know have had babies in the last year and it was the first Father’s Day. When they look back at their memories that post will come up which will be lovely.

I agree. I posted a tribute to my dad, who I miss terribly. It helps me, I don’t care what others think. Sorry for your loss.

My dad died 3 years ago. I haven’t posted HFD since he died, but I know my mum would have loved me to. She likes seeing his photo on SM and reading the comments. Perhaps one answer is that we reduce our SM to just close family and friends who appreciate ’performative’ posts that give us a chance to share a memory, get a little support, and remember together people we love who are no longer with us. It’s nice to know that other people loved them too.

No, I don't think it's weird to want to celebrate someone widely, such as on social media. it's also not weird to keep it private either. Let people be.

MN's obsession with 'performative' acts is very tiresome.

I do it for my DH but only because he likes it and asks me to. I've told him I'm not fussed for it but he said if we don't it looks like we've split up. I usually post something sarcastic and jokey rather than serious, but honestly if he never did a post for me again I'd be happy.

I stand by my opinion however I'm happy to acknowledge it's never happend to me so I have a different perspective .

Nobody is using this to find comfort or make themselves feel better

Of course they are. Just because you might not feel that way, it doesn't mean other people don't.

Social media is just a conversation. People generally talk about their loved ones in conversation. The fact that it's on social media and not round the table in the pub doesn't make it less of a comfort/source of enjoyment for them.

you've misunderstood

another poster was making out the person slagging them off ( me) was doing it to make themselves feel better by criticising someone

Some posters have said they are annoyed when people post happy birthday etc, to deceased loved ones and have called it attention seeking and weird, people have said they receive much needed comfort from their Happy Father’s Day to their deceased dads and have also explained why they have posted birthday messages on deceased family member bdays.

I thought xenobitch post wasn’t just to you, it was to people in general who are still judging how she, and other posters seek comfort. Her assuming those who choose to sneer at how her and others find comfort by acknowledging the special days of someone no longer with them, may be unhappy people isn’t a massive stretch.

You’ve then gone on to tell her nobody uses uses this to seek comfort and called it performative again. It sounds like you are the one who has misunderstood and have made the “seeking comfort” part in xenobitch post to be about you when it wasn’t.