Performative drivel from grown adults

[Karryw]

A few of my friends with fathers who are very much alive and well, but not on instagram - posting stories wishing them a HFD! Pick up the bloody phone and tell them for goodness sake.

Performative nonsense, or is it me?

SM is performative nonsense full stop.

I find it odd people want to control how other people use social media, it show more about them than it does the people who use spocial media and I rarely use it myself but no one has the right to question other people's use

I posted a couple years ago a thank you to my father for showing me who I never want to be. He'll never see it. I did it so others know they're not alone.

Honestly I don’t understand why posting about a passed away relative is ok but posting about who doesn’t have social media, but could be shown the post is performative?

I happened to show FIL a post that SIL had made when we called over yesterday.

For me it’s the memories, these posts will pop up each year, just like saying happy birthday to the kids who don’t see it, or our dog that has now passed etc.

I find it toe curling also. Especially with deceased parents, partly because my Dad was quite old and died before social media really took off so would have hated the idea of it. His generation were stoical and modest.
i do understand if it’s going to support wider family but I know many who do it several times a year with several relatives and I think it’s attention seeking, sometimes because they struggle generally, so try to be tolerant but yep personally I hate it.

That really is a spiteful post.

The whole of social media is performative drivel.

Yes, odd that they are "pissed off" by something that has no effect on them whatsoever. Not that the OP has done it, but trivialising the commemoration of a death, for titillation purposes is sick.

They probably spent the day with them but post about it for extra clout. I haven’t used SM for years and incidentally don’t speak to my dad so I don’t have to deal with this tripe anymore.

You aren’t wrong Op

But not right either!

My DSD posted a picture of my late DH on FB, with love and kisses.
He's been dead 30 years.

I didn't realise there was a timeframe on grieving and remembering a loved one's death.

I don’t really see how it’s any different. You’re still posting it for the everyone aside from the photo subject. It is still performative to post about a dead relative. I just happen to not care if people do it. Although I do detest the term “heavenly birthday”.

I too am part of the dead parents club, and have in the past posted a couple of things on certain days, but I don’t really do so now as it feels a bit attention seeking to me. But, I’ve seen plenty of friends share posts of their fathers, dead and alive, this weekend and it doesn’t bother me. Some of the posts of alive parents are quite sweet. I’m glad my friends have those sorts of relationships with their parents.

Are you judging?

There's nothing wrong with remembering loved ones.

When you think of all the genuinely awful things on SM - bullying, shaming, incitement, inappropriateness, scams- it's really weird to be offended by a 'Happy Father's Day' or 'remembering my dad' post.

I know and it says more about the people making the celebration of father's day into a miserable event. Some of the clinical terminology around death on this thread. Awful.

Honestly I don’t understand why posting about a passed away relative is ok but posting about who doesn’t have social media, but could be shown the post is performative?

That's because it makes no sense at all and is just some arbitrary "rule" the OP has plucked out of thin air. I also suspect she has used that caveat because she knows she'll be flamed to kingdom come if she didnt.

We all know that social media is performative - it's hardly brand new information is it?

Mumsnet is just as performative and you could argue the OP thinking her view is right and making up weird social media rules (dead relatives ok, alive ones are not) are just as "performative" when the real truth is, if SM irritates her that much she could just come off it with zero drama. But instead of choosing to come off SM she is posting about what drivel it is but presumably still reading it. Surely that is the very definition of idiocy 🤷‍♀️

Im not quite sure why some people have an issue with commemorating a deceased loved one on social media.
Its just the digital equivalent of of having a memory posted in the obituary column of the local newspaper. Never heard of anyone complaining about that.
You could also say that placing flowers on a loved ones grave is "performative" , after all , people walking through the cemetery can see them and read the attached card.
Bit of an unpleasant post imho, and rather scathing of those who wish to remember someone they have lost 😬

Isn't everyone posting on social media attention seeking in some way? Otherwise, why do it?

I say that as someone who stopped posting a few years ago. I realised I was doing it for validation and that wasn't healthy (for me, at least).

I don’t see it as any different to other social media posts. I don’t use any SM other than MN and WhatsApp. I have never posted a photo of myself of my kids and they are now young adults. No regrets. But if someone is into posting regularly, then of course they are going to post something on FD. It’s far less annoying than bragging about your kids for example…

I find the Happy Birthday to our amazing 8 year old blah more annoying. Kids not on Facebook so why!?

All SM is performative though, we already know this. You don’t have to do what other people do but you could probably benefit from learning not to give a fuck about what other people do. So what if they do say HFD?

The one I hate is people saying HFD to their single mums who raised them

Can I add, I hate the ones where women wish their husbands a ‘HFD’ and then upload a selection of photos…. Most of them slag their husbands off behind their backs and moan about what useless Father’s they are irl… no idea why they then pretend on SM that they are living the dream! I guess it makes them feel better?