AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Good post.

I agree with you about the ultimate response to ban unannounced visits but I don't think OP was wrong to be initially upset and I don't think her reaction was extreme. This has been blown out of proportion - all the girls needed to do was apologise.

Ok let's agree with that,

But she is still enforcing the ban on access. That isn't a heat of the moment response. She wants a cold hard punishment that continues indefinitely.

ETa ... because she is so het up about what a couple of teens said about a superficial issue with her that relates to a natural aging process.

OPs words were intended as a punishment, not a correction, as was the sudden change in their access to the house.

This is not modelling a healthy way to deal with a rupture nor a healthy way to deal with issues relating to body image. Quite the opposite.

OP needs to apologise too.

OP do you actually care about how this impacts on the girl - and her sister --whose family you have become part of? Or is it really just more important you can enjoy your bikini session?

They were rude and OP was rude back.
This is not tit for tat - opportunity to teach them that hurtful things are not acceptable.
OP then wants to ban them from the house - totally OTT response to a minor spat

Yes of course everyone is human, we all say things we don’t mean when we are upset, and the daughters comments are not ok. But now op has the courage to reflect and come on here asking for peoples opinions whether her response was appropriate.
I think rather than barring the step daughter from unarranged visits to her dad’s home she should sit down with her, apologise for what she said and explain things for her perspective. It won’t be easy but being a step parent is really hard. At least she has a choice about taking on this relationship - the daughters do not. If she isn’t prepared to try and forgive and invest energy into the girls she shouldn’t be with someone who has children.

Ignore all the ‘you are in the wrong because they’re only teenagers’ nonsense. They are both old enough to have a job and so really need to know by now that you can’t say bitchy shite like that without consequences. The consequences were that you made them aware you heard them by doing what they wanted- covering up- that’s it. Anything else they are claiming is manipulation to get daddy onside.

Your husband needs to grow a pair and deal with his kids. Explain to him that you don’t want them dropping around unannounced any more because you don’t trust they won’t make up other stuff about you if you’re alone with them. That’s an unfair position to put you in and only creates problems for him.

Of course, it wouldn't be OK for her to make fun of her classmates or anyone else, for that matter, but that's not quite what happened here, is it?

The DSD did not mean for OP to hear; she never intended to cause OP any hurt. That still doesn't make it OK, and OP would have been well within her rights to tell DSD that she did hear and that those comments were hurtful, and to ask for an apology.

I don't believe anyone has said the DSD was in the right or that she should be able to say whatever she feels with impunity, but there is a big difference between telling DSD what she said was rude/hurtful and asking for an apology (what should have happened) and stating that you are going to cover up your flabby bits whilst smirking at someone you know is in recovery from ED.

To make matters worse, OP doubled down by trying to ban a vulnerable child from her own home after learning the child was upset, instead of realising the potential harm she may have caused and apologising.

I can’t see this ending well
You have restricted dds access to your home based on a bitchy comment. Yes, you value your privacy and having that conversation about texting before dropping in would be fine… had it not come off the back of an argument
Dds will see this as your dh taking sides and this will create tension between dh and his kids. Eventually he is very likely to end up resentful.
One of his kids has also been poorly which adds to the stress and the problem.
Now is not the time to do this and I’m shocked they your dh would go as far as asking his own kids further keys back because they made one comment about your weight loss.

"She's young" so the hell what?!

I wonder how many would excuse someone bullying their DD's at school over her body size/condition by saying "Oh but they're young".

Not a single fucking one.

I don't agree that she needs to apologise for repeating back their comments and saying she was going to cover up.

She was intending to be cutting. And flouncing off to angrily and performatively to cover up is just pathetic behaviour from an adult. She needs to apologise for all of that. And especially for punishing them by changing access to the house.

Yep.

Disagree re context though.

Yes you are right that some apologies all round would be useful.

Agree.
There seem to be some very charged issues around body image in this family. It has been allowed to become way too much of an issue.

She isnt cutting off access, they (as in her AND her husband, their father) have simply said that they need to text or call first. Not at all unreasonable. They came to her home and insulted her, I wouldnt want that in my own home either. If one of my kids did that then they would be told in no short order that they mind their mouths in my home.

I usually check with my parents if its ok to pop in before I go around, although in their case its because there is a better than average chance that one or both are having a nap!

Mumsnet is for parenting help.....unless you are a step mum in which case you might as well slap your own face and save time, it comes to the same thing in the end. And no, I am not a step mother.

I think when you’ve been on here a while you assume all break-ups are down to the man being an absolute arsehole.
This man might be a lovely fella but at the end of the day, moving into another woman’s home when you have two teenage daughters is going to cause issues at some point, especially if one is vulnerable.
The best thing right now would probably be for dad to have his own space where they really could come and go.
Nothing in this world prepares you for being in a stepmum role, especially when it is to teenagers.
A lot of blame here is going on OP and a fair bit of flack has been given to the teenage girls.
But at the end of the day they are their father’s responsibility.
After reading so many threads here I think it’s an absolute minefield trying to build these blended situations. There are reasons as to why this young girl has an ED which will have started long before OP came along. Maybe her father should have provided her with a stable home away from her own mum’s.

While she could have handled it better, she isn't awful. I don't agree with giving the SDD a pass because she is vulnerable and this and that, she knew what she was doing and then lying to her father and frankly I wouldn't be surprised if it was her house and he is another cocklodger who expects OP to be at the mercy of his amazing daughters in her own home

From what I've seen OP has been very welcoming of the girls and they are able to come and go as they please so DH needs to speak to his daughter about how rude they were, apologize and it doesn't happen again not this narrative trying to make it about OP.

And she isn't cutting access, that's ridiculous to say, she was asking that they don't come when their dad isn't at home, that's not cutting access.

It was her home before he moved in.

They made very rude comments. They know it and that’s why they won’t discuss it with your DH.

It’s factually correct that ED sufferers are highly suggestible.

This is a minor spat - the sort of thing that happens fairly frequently with teenagers who can be thoughtless and can't imagine they'll ever be older than about 25. So, maybe ask yourself why this got to you so much - what is really going on here for you?

The OP should expect to be insulted in her own home?