AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Well they don’t live there full time and OPs husband moved in with her, so it’s OPs home before anyone’s.

I dont think you should say they cant visit, they are your DH daughters. I do think you were right to call her out on her comments, and I think she knows she messed up.
I also think posters are being disingenuous by saying you were passive aggressive and that you should have been the bigger person etc. They made nasty comments, your reaction is understandable.

The comments she made were rude and hurtful. She was called out on making a bitchy comment and is now making herself the victim. You are right to expect privacy and respect in your own home @UnflatteringComment. I understand that your DSD has mental health issues but that does not mean she gets to behave however she wants.

They were wrong but they are teenagers and thoughtless.

It was cruel and unkind but teenagers can come out with nasty comments and don't think about it - especially with parents/step-parents they can forget that they also have feelings!

However, you are the adult here and while you definitely should have called them on it it would have been better without snide comments and smirks even though you were hurt.

Better to have said 'I heard what you two said out there and I want to let you know that it was very hurtful and unkind even if you didn't think I would hear. I'd appreciate an apology and for you to be kinder in the future and not make comments about people's bodies'

wow, people are weird on this website.

Obviously it's not ok for an adult and an older teenager (16 is plenty old enough to know what she's saying) to turn up at your house unannounced and start making bitchy comments about the homeowner's body!!

They come over whenever they feel like it and start bullying you? What the hell.

Body issues aren't exclusive to teenagers with eating disorders, depending on OP's state of mind that could have really affected her.

They should really be made to apologise before even thinking of coming over ever again.

We're not talking about before, we're talking about now. If OP wanted it to stay hers she shouldn't have married a man with children.

Do you have children? Where do you send them to wait for them to apologise before being allowed in their home

I've only read the first page of comments and all your replies OP, but I just want to warn you that I think even asking them to call or text before they drop in will forever alter their relationship with their Dad and you. I am not sure if they currently think of your house as a home, but they won't anymore. They'll just be visitors/guests.

I still struggle with my relationship with my Dad (15 odd years later) after my sister and I were asked to do the same - and we did not make rude comments about his partner, our Dad just asked us to do this after they moved in together! It just makes it very clear who is priority is (you) which hurts when you are a child/teenager.

ETA: OP sorry if I've missed it but I don't think you've said which one made the comments, DSD1 or DSD2? Do you know or were you not able to tell from outside? Because if it was DS1 and DSD2 was just awkwardly laughing in response then this whole situation does seem incredibly unfair of DSD2. And was DSD1 possibly trying to make weight loss sound unattractive to DSD2? Not saying that's a good thing to be doing at all, especially at your expense, but I'm not sure i would have known how to handle my sister having an eating disorder at that age.

Sorry but they're mostly grown up, they don't live there and never have, it's their Dad's house, it's not their home.

Your house = their father's house = their home.

Just because OP planted the 'my house' narrative, it's their home.

I don't think you were wrong at all for saying what you said. They're old enough to know better, and they're upset now because they feel embarrased that you heard them.

It'll absolutely teach them not to make unkind comments about other peoples' bodies.

Source: I work everyday with teenage girls and they can be very cruel. Quite often the 'nicely nicely sit down and explain to them that they're wrong' approach doesn't work.

Doesn't matter who they are, you have a right to tell anyone who isn't a permanent member of the household to not turn up unannounced.
They are also refusing to talk because they know they're in the wrong. It's manipulative. Yanbu in the slightest.

it's not, though. If their Dad was concerned about this maybe he would have bought his own house. That's their business. But it's not up to the OP to be bullied in her own home to make the bullies feel wanted.

um no I’m not. Good reach.

I wonder whether the people defending this behaviour are also the ones who do it yourselves.

Yes, they were unkind. I don’t blame you at all for being upset about this. I’d also be cross about the fact that they/one of them) twisted what happened and lied to their father and he appears to believe them over you!! He reckons he needs to hear their side of the story? That’s effectively saying he thinks you’re lying about it.
I’d be livid about that.

Hardly a cryptic response - she just repeated back what they had said mere minutes before. They are teenagers not obtuse.

I see no one outright defending the behaviour. I see tempered responses from adults.

Having an ED (or any other MH problem) shouldn’t shield you from being called out on bad behaviour. She said something shitty and didn’t like when she got found out. It’s unrelated to her ED.

OP, I can understand why you reacted the way you did. Obviously not a great response but you know that and it's done now. I have DC this age and they are plenty old enough to know that what they said was hurtful. I suspect DSD is mostly just appalled that you heard her, and embarrassed about having been caught out saying such a horrible thing and it's easier to be 'too upset to talk' than face the music. But, you are the adult here and her ED will definitely have played into it.

Would you consider writing her a letter along the following lines: you were really hurt by what she said; you know that sarcasm wasn't the right way to handle it and that you regret that now but that you just reacted in the moment; you are genuinely sorry if she was upset by what you said and hope she can also understand how unpleasant it was to hear those things said about you. Suggest that, once she is ready, you hope she will be up for having a chat with you about it.

I have had much the same from my DSD. After thirty years of supporting her emotionally, financially, transport-wise etc I have had occasion to find out over the last twelve months how much she is prepared to do during my hour of [quite extreme] need and I have discovered that it is precisely nothing. Nothing. And she is still angling for help. The door on help is closed. I'll be civil and pleasant to her for my husband's sake but metaphorically I've drawn a line on our relationship, and actually feel like a bloody mug for giving her the benefit of the doubt time after time after time. She can also be bloody rude and snide when she chooses too. I'll just leave the room in future if that carry-on starts up.

They were little shits, you handled it badly.

Could have been a teachable moment: "What you said was hurtful. I'm proud of the weight I've lost, but even more proud of the fact that I don't judge other women's bodies and make themselves feel small to make myself feel better."

But you snarked and smirked.

Your dh is also an arsehole.

You can't ban them from dropping in unannounced unless the house is 100% yours and you really want to start a war with him.

So you need to have a more grown up conversation with all of them.

I don't think the OP said anything wrong. She merely repeated back what the stepdaughter had said and smirked, making it clear she was offended and hurt. I wouldn't ask the girls to announce their arrivals, as I think children do need to think of both parents' homes as their homes, but the stepdaughter sounds like a manipulative little madam, who needs a bloody stern talking-to.

Don't write anything to them, OP. Carry on as you were, and when your husband or his daughters attempt to resurrect this just calmy reiterate, "not interested" and close them down. You can't unhear it, they can't defend it, and whatever the little madams say to reassure you (that's if they're not having an all-out pout-fest with daddy) I would be inclined to dismiss whatever they came up with.
They have absolutely disrespected you in your own home, been bitchy and cruel and are now very distastefully milking the ED for as long as they are able.
You know what they are like, don't waste your time with them.

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on here 🤗

it took him too long, but I'm glad your DH finally has your back over this.

DSD2 being in recovery from an ED has nothing to do with the bitchy comments she made.

she was caught out being a nasty little cow to you &has manipulated her Dad to try & get out of ir.

she has shat on the easy going relationship you had. Not you.

im sure you look great in your bikini - wear it with pride.

oh & come to an agreement with DH that when you are the only one one home YOU get to give or deny them permission to come around.