AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Wow! These teenagers make insulting remarks about you in your own home, without bothering to check you can’t hear.
You make a slightly sarcastic comment in response, but without insulting them.
Then they slam off in a huff because somehow it’s your fault! And now one of them is acting the victim.

Their behaviour was disgusting. At 16 and 18 they are old enough to know that, and to know they owe you an apology.

Try not to feel hurt by their rudeness, OP. I’m glad you’re making a small change to protect your privacy a bit. But I’m amazed at all the criticism you’re getting.

Well, I have a 10 year old girl on the cusp of puberty - so I am currently cutting my teeth on resilience building when young girls say mean things!!
Unfortunately my daughter is already showing small signs of being body conscious, and has made comments about my breasts, but being a grown woman with parental responsibility it's my duty to tackle those conversations maturely and factually.

Maybe my ED history has given me a different lens on things... but I categorically believe that any conversation relating to bodies and body images deserves a mature and reasonable discussion. If parents aren't doing that, then you're relying on peers, celeb culture and social media to do ghat job for you.... and it doesnt take a genius to predict how well that'll go.

I can see why you reacted the way you did, you are a human and it upsets us when people mock the way we look especially as you have new found confidence that was crushed.
As they are your DH’s kids, you have to try to be the adult now and restore the relationship. It’s more important.
They may genuinely not realise you heard and have taken your comments the wrong way, Dsd would be ultra sensitive to comments having had an ED.
Either way, for the sake of your marriage you have to find a way to properly repair the relationship and explain your side them in a mature calm way. You can’t expect DH to choose you over his kids.
Good luck and try not to be too hurt by the comments, teens are mean and EDs can make people hyper critical/judgemental. She may also be jealous as you have lost weight using the jabs , if she is aware of it?
As an ED recovered myself, I have some weird unjustified feelings about them. I thinks it’s because we have literally tried to kill ourselves to be skinny and now women can just take a jab. I am not saying it’s right to feel that way but trying to be brutally honest. EDs do funny things to our thoughts/feelings about others as well as ourselves, it’s a bit hard to explain if you haven’t been there. My conscious self knows they are a positive thing and should be celebrated for helping to transform peoples lives and health,

Absolutely, but there is a world of difference between a 10 year old lacking a bit of tact and asking questions through curiosity and a teenager and adult just openly mocking someone. They can’t be compared in my opinion.

I think to be fair to the OP, she doesn't live with the SDs and hasn't been actively parenting them so she would be less actively monitoring what she says and does. She probably fell back to how she treats adults in her life (since the SDs both basically look like adults at this point) rather than remembering these are teenagers (one of whom has an ED)

I do feel for step parents - on some levels it's a bit easier to model good behaviour as a parent because you get more practice at it (every day multiple times a day!) and the fact you are dealing with a child is more at the forefront of your mind. You get used to restricting your language and tone.

Should we treat everyone kindly and maturely, probably. Are we going to be successful at it always, probably not!

EDs can make a person incredibly critical of other people's bodies as well as their own. You would probably think it was heinous how I would revel in watching music videos of Jlo and Beyonce in my teens and even early 20's because I perceived them as overweight and undisciplined.
I don't recall ever verbalising it (I was caught in my ED in my preteens, so by the age of 18 I knew to hide those intrusive thoughts pretty well) but if people could read my mind, im sure half the commenters here would be mortified.

Both daughters need to be approached about this, it will hurt for the 16 year old in paticular and probably cause tears, but she deserves a conversation about how those intrusive thoughts spoken aloud can be hurtful for others as well as hindering her own recovery.

I think adults ‘getting their own back ‘ by passive aggressive smirking to 2 almost grown women is exactly what I’d do myself!

This ‘not got a fully developed frontal lobe’ so at 16 you can just be a nasty rude person and use this excuse? I’d imagine the DSD wouldn’t like comments on her appearance, stop excusing poor behaviour.

Win, win for OP

OP, it may well be that she is too embarrassed to repeat what she said to you to her dad. If that's the case, it might be easier for you to have the conversation with her yourself. I would just tell her that you always had a good relationship [if true, of course] and you will continue to have a good relationship and you don't need to tell her how hurtful it was to overhear what she said.
Hopefully, she'll apologise to you.

And what’s the excuse for the 18 year old?

Thats a strawman - it's absolutely not justified (and I have said in subsequent comments this needs to be addressed via a proper conversation and told how it was hurtful).
But surely the course of action for a vulnerable teenage relative wouldnt be the same as towards a fully grown woman you dont like very much (?)

Unless of course you really dont value those relationship with either DH or DSDs ...then have at it I guess.

I think you are taking it far too personally. If you are middle aged and lost a lot of weight quickly then like a lot of other people including myself you have saggy skin and are probably also enjoying being new clothes. So they are being a bit sarcastic but they are young.

Absolutely.

And yes, of course we all think it wasn't nice for OP to have those things said.

But the reason she is getting criticism is the proportionality of her reaction - essentially making them feel outsiders in the home.

Moreover, and just as destructively, she is merely reinforcing the focus and paranoia around body image to a young girl with an ED - worse still a girl she ought to be being a role model for. Making such a big furore over a comment that her body isn't perfect is about the worst way to model attitudes to body image to someone with an ED. She is modelling an unhealthy level of obsession around body image, effectively saying "suggest I am not perfect and you will find you aren't welcome here."

What a wonderful opportunity it would have been for her to act maturely and say "you know what, I heard what you said and yes, I am aging and a bit wrinkly, and it was hurtful to hear you saying things that you thought were negative, but our bodies will change and I am proud of mine, It is part of who I am and my journey."

But no, instead it's a snarky response, a family bust-up, coming between DF and his DDs, and a power play over access. It is no wonder there are so many dysfunctional families and so much body dysmorphia when posters think this is proportionate or reasonable way to handle it.

Absolutely agree with this. I have noticed this before on threads on MN. Some posters ( too many) hold the child to a higher standard than the Mother can manage.

Regardless, being offended does not give you a free pass to behave as you please. No wonder society is such a mess when ' being offended' is regardless as the worst possible thing that legitimises any amount of crappy behaviour.

100% agree, I can’t believe people are excusing this and telling OP off for being passive aggressive. She was hurt and probably embarrassed, no one should feel like that in their own home. They’re not little girls, one is legally an adult and the other is either just leaving or has already left secondary school.

I completely agree with this. Really well said.

OPs response normalises extreme reactions to body image issues to a 16/18 year old recovering from an ED.

You would think the OP spat at them and called them twats going by how some posters are making her out to be. She simply repeated their words back to them and said she was covering up, they were unkind, OP was not.

Absolutely agree

@emmas123 genuine question here.

As a 16yo with an ED, don’t you already know (from before being ill) that commenting in the way the dsd did is hurtful and rude?
Would that not be enough to stop you from saying those things? Esp about a family member.

I feel it’s one thing to have intrusive thoughts (I have some from cptsd). It’s another to verbalise them or act on them. Even as a teen.

I feel her reaction (being triggered by the OP comment) is différent from being that critical of someone else body.

Let's stop dealing with this at the level of whose playground insult was the "insultiest."

Op has pulled a power play to punish them by restricting free access to their father's home. That goes way beyond who said what.

MN seems to have a high proportion of women on it who have anxiety, poor social skills and poor social relationships. I really hope that explains the extraordinary overly sensitive, ego centred, context -free and vicious responses by many on this thread.

I only know one person in life who would likely respond like this and she had many, many issues and was also very isolated.

I like to think most women would respond in a more mature, considered and constructive way.

You're an adult. Kids say stupid things and they were probably joking. Your husband should just shut the drama down.

That would have been a great thing to say but OP is human, was upset and body shamed. People without an official ED can get ashamed about their bodies, the OP was on WLI so obviously struggled with their weight - people don't suddenly get immune from hurt when they get to 30. The OP didn't think of the great speech a pp suggested when she was upset in the moment and that's okay. She wasn't unkind, she was slightly passive aggressive.

I’m sure all of us as teenagers saw anyone over 35 in a bikini embarrassing. Regardless of your weight loss they would have felt this. If it was their Dad in budgie smugglers they would have commented on that too. I know I would!