AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Yep, smirking and giving a sarcastic response was the wrong response. Things happen in any relationship. They are family so it should have been resolved then you all move on. Talk to them like adults should - ‘I heard what you said about me and I felt hurt’

They were mean.
Your reaction was ridiculous.
You can't ban them from their father's home for this.

You talked about weight and loose saggy skin to someone with an eating disorder because she said you had saggy skin.

She was right and you got mad and hit her where you knew it would really do damage. You'te an adult and should have more self control and know better.

You were unreasonable.

I meant to say banning them from spontaneous visits is a joke.

Unannounced visits? Is it not their home as well, with their father?

And as the mum of a young adult with an eating disorder, there is no way I would have made comments like that about anyone's body in front of my child. It is so detrimental.

Her comments were wrong and hurtful, but you are the adult here, and should act like it.

I thought your response was fine and quite mild. That’s what you get for being a bitch and they were being bitches in that moment.
tough shit.

agree with this!

They aren’t children, they know it’s bitchy and mean to say things like this and they certainly wouldn’t like it if you talked that way about them.
DH needs to tell them both, in no uncertain terms, that they do not talk about you like that. It is rude and reflects badly on them both. But no, you can’t ban them from dropping in, although I totally understand why you’d like to!

Horrible little bitch but what you said was probably counter-productive unfortunately. You can't ban her and her sister really but you don't have to put yourself out now you know what they think

I would have shouted “I can hear you!” Then gone in and said that you are not a teenager and your body shows signs of having lived, and that’s ok.

All these people saying you are in the wrong and need to be the adult - ignore .
These are unpleasant teenage girls, who have just shown themselves up and have ran crying to Dad. At 16 /18 they are aware surely that nasty comments hurt. It is ok to tell these precious young adults to stop being dicks .

I also agree with this. They got caught out and are not happy about it. However banning them is an overreaction on your part.

What you should do now is pretend to yourself that it never happened and move on. You can’t do anything else, frankly, especially ban them from their father’s home.

It is time they apologised for their bitchiness and rude behaviour and I suggest immediatly stop the unnanounced visits from now on, at least this way, you can relax at home and of course dress how you wish without those two mean girls.

You would be giving them a stern message, that you do not suffer fools put them in their place and tell them they are shameful and not welcome.

Your DH must back you up and if he does not, he also needs to be pulled up because if he had a spine, he would have backed you up instantly......instead of giving you a load of bs about seeing it from their point of view when they are mean and nasty his actions are enabling their bad behaviour.

Teenage girls can be mean but most grow out of it. You should not make a weight related remark to your dsd with an eating disorder. You need to be the grown up here.

Of course - but like a grown up. Passive aggressive comments and smirking just makes someone look pathetic.

Of course they were in uncalled for comments, but to smirk look them up and down and make passive aggressive comments isn’t ok either, they have the excuse of being teenagers. And I don’t buy knee jerk are you really so out of control.

so I see two wrongs here. And if I’m honest I find your behaviour worse.

Christ what am I even reading, do people actually behave this terribly in real life?

Exactly. 2 of these people are teenagers and 1 is supposed to be a grown up adult. Very childish behaviour from the adult.

And he needs to do the same back to her. She also didn’t behave well.

Sorry op you are being a bit immature. They are kids. Kids say stupid things.
I hope their Dad wants them to feel like his house is their house.

Agree that if you say anything here it should be to be honest and say that what they said was hurtful.

I know. Very toxic!

I’m going against the grain here. While I agree there were clearly better ways to handle it, l would be very hurt at hearing a comment like this about me from people who stayed with me and accepted my hospitality. And frankly it would make me wonder what else they were saying behind my back.

At sixteen and eighteen they’re old enough to understand that this is hurtful, and they also should have realised that they were within earshot. Flouncing out and then complaining to daddy is pathetic. They were rude and hurtful and they’re old enough to take responsibility. Your DH needs to get his head out of his arse and support you - they were caught out and should apologise, not make excuses.

While I understand the knee jerk reaction of banning ad hoc visits, l do think it’s unreasonable and you’ll probably be accused of blocking their relationship with their dad.

I think adults trying to get their own back with kids/teens via a passive aggressive smirking is immature and underhand

Agree. Op you reacted badly, especially if you get on ok with them usually. They probably thought it was funny and didn't mean for you to hear.

Your handling was shit, especially when one of them has an ED.

You’d be VU to ask DH to stop their unannounced visits, except days you have firm plans and / or feeling unwell.