AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

Of course she does. But empathy for the OP doesn't mean she needs to get 'revenge' and hamper the kid's recovery when there are much better, empathetic, and adult ways of dealing with the situation.

So my question is - is ut acceptable for SD2 to make fun of her classmates' weight or body because she is 1) 16 and not 18 yet, and 2) she has ED.

Another question - Is her attitude on weight or body shape, how they look helpful for hwr recovery. If I make fun of a fat woman or a very skinny woman or someone with lose skin, of course I would wabt to be very self conscious that I am not going in the direction and control that via my food intake.

So in my opinion, if her comment was due to her ED, she needs some change in her treatment plan. Some posters have said that their dd or themselves have ED but dont talk like this about other people. Like all anxiety disordered people, ED also know the difference that some of their thoughts are distorted, its just that they dont have a control when it comes to compulsions. I dont think its right to given anxiety as an excuse for a mean comment directed at someone else be it step mother or a classmate. If she behaves like this at work she would be dismissed right away.

Sorry for typos. My phone is weird

An ED is not fucking tourette's. She has control of what she chooses to say out loud. It's one thing to have those thoughts, it's another thing to say them out loud and mock someone sunbathing in their own garden.

Calm down, there is no need for this level of aggression.

I don’t think that’s the case, I think it’s the fact that so many posters are going on about EDs and “protecting the children” (one of whom is an adult!) that I find strange. Having an ED doesn’t give a person the right to comment on everyone else’s bodies. Being a “child” (which neither of the SDs are) doesn’t give them that right either.

Would I have responded to them the way that OP did? No. Does she have a right to respond to rude and disrespectful behaviour in her house in the manner she sees fit? Yes.

OP had the chance to diffuse and address on 2 occasions - both during and after the event but has chosen to take neither.
While the SDs clearly weren't being kind, I think taking into account the history of the youngest and the fact that neither have a developed frontal lobe yet, requires a bit of thoughtful honesty and maturity in response rather than knee-jerk emotional reaction.
Fundamentally changing the dynamic of the relationship with the OP and her husband based on a thoughtless comment from a couple of teenage girls is OTT and completely avoidable.

Speaking as someone who has recovered from an ED, a kind but honest approached conversation about what's acceptable when discussing bodies is the right way to go about this.
Whilst OP thought the self deprecating snipe would teach her a lesson, that is absolutely not a good idea.

Is the kid really recovering if this is her attitude on a person's body? If lose skin is a bad body or being fat/skinny is a problem for her, she will control her intake of food to achieve whatever body is acceptable to her and even after achieving that she would have disordered eating our of fear of losing that shape. The only way recovery is possible if she changes her mindset on thie issue.

Well given that you responded to my comment with a very emotionally charged comment about being glad I was not there when you were dying from an ED, I would say that any other way of dealing with it beyond not saying anything and letting her SDs mock her to their hearts’ content would not have been acceptable to you.

an impunity not afforded to the younger people in this equation

Young person said something nasty and when talked back, went into this victim mode causing stress for op. What else you want young person to do.

I have to say this - you should feel ashamed for bullying OP.

Yeah I don’t know about you but I don’t respond with kindness when I’m being mocked, regardless of who it is and what their health issues are.

Having an ED doesn't give you carte blanche to be rude and unkind about other people's bodies or free you from consequences when caught out being rude and unkind. Nor does it make it ok to deflect and lie about what happened in an attempt to make the person you were being rude and unkind about to be the bad guy.

People gossip about each other at work all the time. Sometimes they get caught. Humans gossip and talk about each other. Sometimes they get caught. Sometimes they have the chance to apologise Sometimes they do not. It is all very normal.

I was merely stating a fact. Also, my original comment was trying to explain the kid's reaction - I didn't actually say ANYTHING about the OPs response initially - however if trying to explain the kids reaction is unacceptable to you, then that is indeed weird. You constant attacking of a) a kid with an eating disorder and now b) other people with eating disorders trying to explain it is upsetting and risking triggering me now, so I won't be responding or looking at comments on this thread further.

I think on days your DH isn’t home & it’s your day off ect it’s fine to say no.

And that’s ok, we don’t need to agree. I am entitled to my view and you yours.

Yes, this. Making a comment like this to or about the wrong person could in fact trigger disordered eating or body image in someone else so I'm afraid it's not good enough to hand-wave it away because the comment is made by a 16 year old or someone who has an eating disorder themselves.

We all have or insecurities and a malicious comment like this could cut someone very deeply (and overhearing someone saying it rather than them saying it to your face could make a person worry that this is what everyone is saying behind their back).

It needs to be treated appropriately seriously and not as though it doesn't really matter because 16 year old can use her ED as an excuse. It's not about her and her feelings on this occasion, it's about her step-mother's.

Exactly.

OP had the chance to diffuse and address on 2 occasions - both during and after the event but has chosen to take neither.

Indeed, OP could be taking the high road, sorting things out with DSD - saying if she hurt her feelings it was unintentional and she was herself hurt by SD’s comments.

Instead, she’s getting in her DH’s ear labelling DSD a “liar” without the acknowledging that DSD could genuinely have interpreted OP’s behaviour as reported. And that taking offence may be an inevitable consequence of smirking at someone. On top of that she’s blackballing the SDs. As if that was going to help.

I agree with this. I'm amazed that another poster claims the OP isn't 'psychologically justified' in being hurt because it was a teenager who said it, and that the OP owes the teenager an apology. 16 and 18 is plenty old enough to think about the impact of your comments on other people and plenty old enough to be expected to take responsibility if you are caught out.

[But I don't think it's old enough to feel that your Dad's home isn't your home without conditions . . . ]

I think when your kids live at home full time you have an idea of where they are and when, or what they’re likely to be doing, like calling in at a friend’s after school, football Wednesdays, they’ve just left to go to the cinema so will be gone a few hours etc - when they don’t live with you full time and can potentially drop in at any point, morning or night, wouldn’t that affect a lot of ppl’s sex lives? The parent/s may not be going at it 24/7, but a couple who are still regularly intimate may decide to have a kiss or something more on a whim, but the prospect of teens calling in at any point must be a real passion killer.

Prior arrangements are not the same thing as 'appointments'. HTH.

Well of course, that goes without saying, so I’m not sure why you felt the need to say it.

In this context it's really no different.

'HTH' too?

It's really not that deep. SD has realised she was overheard and has gone off crying to Daddy in an attempt to wriggle out of it. The moral of the story? Don't be awful about others if you aren't prepared to be called out on it.

I think using emotionally charged language like you are does seem manipulative to me to be honest. And it smacks of the “be kind” nonsense that is designed to keep women silent and compliant.