AIBU to stop unannounced visits after overhearing cruel comments in my garden?

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Dh has 2 dd from his previous marriage. They are 16 and 18. I’ve always thought I got on well with both.
He sees them very regularly and they often just pop round whenever they fancy as well as the arranged times when they stay.

It’s relevant to include that dsd2 is in recovery for an eating disorder.

It’s been hot and I’ve been relaxing in the garden some days in a bikini (recently lost weight in jabs so was feeling quite confident). Yesterday they came over (not planned) and I heard them laughing at me from the kitchen and saying maybe it’s not a good thing I’ve lost weight if I’m going to start dressing differently and showing off loose skin. I don’t think they realised I could hear ?

Anyway I got up and went inside , said nothing and was thinking to myself how funny it’ll be when they are my age and look like this they’ll probably remember making bitchy comments. Dsd2 said hello and I said hi back, she said they were going to sit outside with a drink did I want anything I said no thanks I’m just going to put a dress on , cover up these wobbly bits and loose skin and smirked. She looked a bit shocked probably realising I’d heard her.

Next thing I know as I’m getting changed the door slams , I went down and nobody was there . Half an hour later dh calls me to ask why the hell i was talking about weight and smirking at dsd2 and apparently looking her up and down ???!!!

I told him what had happened and he said he will have to get their side of the story. Well of course I know dsd1 will back up what dsd2 is saying. I’m just really disappointed with them and I didn’t do anything wrong! AIBU to say to dh that there are no more unannounced visits after this - I should be able to sit in my garden in a bikini and not feel laughed at?

I guess everyone needs to disagree, I do think she did something wrong, something cruel in fact.

Great result eh.

Cruel? How?

Then she shouldn’t make comments about other people’s bodies. It’s a two-way street.

Sigh read the thread, smirking when she said it. Potentially eyeing her up and down, to a 16 year old with an eating disorder. She hasn’t even clarified if it was the 16 year old who said it.

Agree. Stroppy teenagers sometimes need a slap down.👍

You’ve absolutely done/said nothing wrong and your DH should be defending you for what his DD said.

However, you cannot unanimously ban unannounced visits without your DH’s agreement- this is both your DSD’s home (or one of them, at least). I completely agree that what she said was abhorrent though and needs to be addressed. Don’t let your DH gaslight you.

Don’t give it if you can’t take it. Hopefully this will be a good lesson for them.

I have thanks. OP's use of the word "apparently" in "apparently looking her up and down" makes it quite clear that this was not her own evaluation of what happened. Smirking isn't cruel, just means "read the subtext" which is in this case "I am quoting what you said so you know I heard you".

But meh, none of us were there. I've met enough teenage girls to think that OP was probably mostly in the green here and just responded as she normally would, forgetting in the moment that the words would hit differently for someone with an ED. Not cruel, just unfortunate

A few posters, who actually are in the know over ED have explained this could be the ED talking. Therefore all you do in that situation is shame the sufferer and push them further toward the ED.

In such circumstances, I would rather not blame someone for their disability.

I didn't say that was okay. I was commenting that she might genuinely believe the comment was about her - hence telling her Dad that.

I agree

Again, that is not the OP’s problem. She has a right to respond to them in kind. An illness or disability does not give anybody the right to make somebody else feel like shit.

Smirking is unpleasant in this context. Deeply. This is a grown adult to a child, a child with a mental health problem.

i can’t beleive the people trying to pretend this is acceptable. No wonder so many folks on the stately homes thread. Is this what parenting has come to. A child who is mentally ill says something unacceptable so it’s ok to shame them.

jesus wept.

No indeed, smirking is an immature response to a comment which, while hurtful, was said about the OP, not to her face

To be honest even if the OP had made that comment about her SD I still think she would be in the right. The SDs should not make any comments they wouldn’t like to hear made about themselves.

And as it appears you don’t understand what smirking is, and why it’s unpleasant. Let me help you out. Ypu can thank me later.

”Smirking is smiling in a smug, conceited, or self-satisfied way. It often conveys arrogance, hidden amusement, or the feeling that you know something others do not. Unlike a warm smile, a smirk can carry a tone of mockery, scorn, or superiority. 1, 2, 3, , 6]
Core Meanings & Contexts
Smugness: A look of "I'm better than you" or satisfaction with one's own cleverness.
Contempt: A subtle, often one-sided smile that indicates disdain or moral superiority.
Insider Knowledge: Smiling because you possess a secret, outsmarted someone, or predicted an outcome.
Schadenfreude: Smiling at the misfortune or awkward mistake of an opponent. 1, 2, 3,

In a nutshell OP dealt with the issue in an immature way that inflamed the situation. She’s now adding fuel to fire by banning girls from the house unless on her terms.

OP seems to think revenge is some kind of result, but it’s in danger of damaging the family relationships permanently.

Well then thank god you were not part my my healthcare team when I was dying of anorexia, because I wouldn't be here to tell the tale if you had been... Shocking lack of empathy.

Yes, it is okay to shame them. They should feel ashamed for having made a comment like that about their stepmother. Feeling a sense of shame for having done something wrong is natural and normal. What isn’t natural and normal is trying to police the entire world around children so they are never confronted with the consequences of their actions and are never given the opportunity or ability to feel perfectly standard emotional responses.

I don't think it not being made to her face makes it any better tbh, just less deliberately cruel. Still massively (and needlessly) disrespectful and unkind

Smirking is a pretty restrained response tbh. People can't be expected to be angels all the time when insulted

What about empathy for the OP? Does she not get any?

Equally OP should feel ashamed of her kneejerk behaviour but I don’t think she does. And too many posters don’t really perceive what she’s done wrong.

Apparently being offended allows you to behave with an impunity not afforded to the younger people in this equation.

Too upset to talk my arse.

She was caught saying something nasty and knew she was in for a bollocking so got in with her story first, then decided she is too upset after she realised that it wasnt going to wash.

Is she always this manipulative? She may have been ill but that doesnt mean she can't also be a spiteful liar. I say this as someone who is recovering from an ED.

Thanks, I had no idea what a smirk was and this definition encapsulates every known application of one. Language is very clearly defined, never fluid and can never be adapted to context or other meanings or understandings. Will wear dunce cap and lash self for commenting on mumsnet

smirks