AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

[Timeforachange2026]

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

"If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel"

Furious and sure as shit be giving them a list right back.

I suggest marriage counselling.

Reminds me of Ross and Rachel. She gave him a list right back!

Well there's no going back from receiving a list like that, so what do YOU want to happen next?
If you stay you will gradually be apologising more and more for just being 'you'.
He will erode your confidence and grind you down.
However, leaving can seem to be a big and scary step.
At the end of the day it's your life and your choice but, if you really are happy with him, why would you be posting this here?

Hi @Timeforachange2026

Your husband sounds like a controlling, abusive, narcissistic man.

Marriage counselling will not work with such a man, because he thinks everything that's wrong with your marriage is YOUR fault. YOU need to change everything about yourself because YOU are the problem, he is perfect and always right.

This is clearly not the case.

It sounds like the main thing he does is cook dinner - I think you having to cook dinner every night would be a small price to pay for the bliss it would be not to have to live with him.

He calls you thick and stupid.

I would say to him that you are not so thick that you don't realise he's a controlling abusive person, and you're not too stupid to say you've had enough.

Get all the information you need, all the paperwork etc, see a solicitor and file for divorce.

You will not only be protecting yourself from further abuse, but also your children. As they get older he's bound to start criticising them too, because there's his way or the wrong way...

In the meantime, he has Saturdays off for his sporting hobby, so you should start taking Sundays off.
Take yourself off to the gym, or a museum or gallery, or just out for something to eat.
Meet up with a friend, or enjoy the peace of your own company.
And don't tell him anything about what you're doing or where you're going.

You deserve so much more than him, and the life you are currently living.
Make it happen. 💐

Whatever you say is wrong because it isn't about the why, it's just to make you feel like whatever you do is wrong. A power trip for him.

He should be cooking dinner, you appear to be doing everything else. That's not a plus in his column. And parenting his own kids if you are away, we'll yeah that's what dads are supposed to do.

Does he make you feel appreciated, loved? Cos that's what a good partner does.

Nails it. This guy doesn't value you.

Exactly. After showing you his long list of resentment, did he ask for your list? Oh does he assume he is a faultless man god you are meant to worship and be grateful for.

Like a lot of other people on here, I don't see how you can come back from this. Especially, as you've had marriage guidance and said neither of you got anything from it.

Staying with this resentful manchild will grind you down further and chip away at your self esteem to the core. You are already doing the heavy lifting - school drop offs and pick ups, working full time, sorting out house stuff during the day. You will have one less lunch to make in the morning and you can move somewhere that is easier to park.

Oh isn't he a charmer!
Firstly, present him with a list of things you don't like about him.
Then leave. ...

How would I feel? Like it was time to find a BGL (bloody good lawyer). Seriously op, this marriage is done. You will be so much happier without this unpleasant specimen putting you down.

Join a running club and get him to fit around that and the new social life that will come from it.
See how he likes it

He’s obviously abusive from the things you’ve said - mentally, verbally, and emotionally. He enjoys tying you up in knots so you feel you can never be right.

Ignore anyone saying counselling could help this - it can’t. Counselling can never help with an abusive man, they often even manipulate the counsellor against you.

I think you should start getting yourself ready to leave him.

Of course I recognise that some people want to work on their marriages, but the advice that counsellor gave was terrible.

Have you given him your list of faults?

Seriously just split up. This must be the 1000 thread on here where people seem to have absolutely no love or respect for each other. It's so depressing.

That's not about you, especially when I hear the criticism about you being boring. It's about him. You can breathe out. I would take a breather, come back to yourself and just observe for awhile what's really going on. Something or someone else has made him feel not good enough, about himself and his marriage. And unfortunately, you're getting the brunt of it, probably because he feels more comfortable to let it all out with you. If you can find a way to get him to talk about it, do. Otherwise he could very end up believing whoever is fueling this and you're marriage could very well be over

This man is no good. You don't have to put up with him. Read what we are all saying. Why are you staying with him?

WHY ARE YOU APOLOGISING???

He can fuck off, to be honest. If you split up he will have to pick up 50% of child rearing/ parenting, it will give you a chance to have social life and he can find someone he actually likes.

So hand him back a list and end it by asking when he's leaving. See a solicitor OP.

I don't thinkyou're listening OP. He is abusive. He calls you names - thick and stupid, criticises everything about you (the way you raise your children, drive, socialise). The truth is he doesn't like you very much. Is this really who/what you want to waste your life on? He sounds like an utter bastard.

As your name suggests, it is time for change. I’d be looking for a divorce

I'd feel he was a nasty selfish shit & I deserved better.

When you say special time do you mean sex? How could you resist a man whose so bloody needy and unkind?

He's abusive. You're changing your behaviour because he is making you uncomfortable with who you are. It's not you who needs to change. But he wont change, abusers never do. Don't put up with it.

It's so obvious when someone has never experienced abuse. It's obvious by how quickly they look over being called "thick" and "stupid", and I can guarantee that's not the only lovely compliments that he gives her. He went on a complete rant to completely assassinate her character, was passive aggressive while shouting at their infant child by referencing her, then became outright aggressive because she didn't take the bait. Yet, you think hearing his side of the story is at all relevant?

There's some couples who would benefit from marriage counselling, and others that are in a toxic marriage and need to separate. This is the latter. No amount of listening to some 'marriage counsellor' can fix an abusive relationship, and especially not the one that you quoted above. It cannot fix an abuser. He needs a psychotherapist. Throwing money around can't fix everything.

I think I would be tempted to book myself into a hotel for the week / stay with my parents or friends for a week (finances depending). I’d say I feel deeply wounded by what he has said and I need to process it and think about what I want to do about it. If I truly don’t listen and don’t do enough around the house, it won’t be a problem if I am not there for a few days will it.
Then I would spend the week seeing friends and family to get their advice and get a legal appointment to understand my options. I would use the time to consider how I am going to ensure I see the changes I need (e.g. what I will respond when he calls me ‘stupid’. Or, if I decide this is the end, what my next steps will be. After a week of school runs, all house tasks and no babysitter for his social life, he may be in a better frame of mind to hear what I have to say.