AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

[Timeforachange2026]

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

I have a feeling he’d moan whatever you did. Honestly, I’d instigate a split. You won’t be able to please him (through no fault of your own).

This isn't constructive criticism though, is it? It's simply a list of insults to undermine the OP's self confidence. I guess to make her feel grateful that she is in a relationship with this man child.

Yes - it does sound like the script.

Quack quack. Get all the financial information together, pensions, savings, income. See a solicitor. Don't tell him until you are ready to file for divorce.

He has a nap? FFS, how old is he?

Has he been swimming in the Manosphere swamp by any chance?

Let him go. He's probably already found the "perfect" one at this stage anyway, and is acting according to the script, trying to put the blame on you.

Nothing you will ever do will be good enough, and it's too much hard work to even try.

How are you fixed financially yourself if (when) you separate?

The things he said are not your ‘flaws’. they are almost all (defined or undefined) things he wants you to do (eg stop work before your contracted finish time) or things he doesn’t want to do (eg cook) and wants you to do instead of him. ‘eating the shit sandwich.’

Based on the information in your posts, all the things on his list are U.

He is the problem. Calling you thick etc is abusive.

I usually stay off these threads as people much more helpfu than me...BUT ' Thick and stupid' !! That is disgusting. I know I could not live with my partner after that. Appalling.

Get a divorce.
He calls you thick and stupid and criticises everything you do.
There's no hope for the martiage but there is hope for a very happy life after you split.

You need to find your anger. He is a repulsive specimen of a husband and father. You sound amazing and your children are lucky to have such a great mum.

You work full-time and do everything for your children while does nothing except criticise and nap.

Don't do anything for him. No lunches, no evening meal, no laundry, no sex. Start making plans to end your marriage. He's a toxic narcissist and you and your children will be better off without him.

Why are you even analysing it? This isn’t a list of truths about you. This is a list that demonstrates his utter disrespect and distain for you. I would proudly pin it to the fridge as a reminder of what an absolute cunt he is and I’d cut him out of my life for ever.

OP, I understand that par-boiled frogs are still able to jump out of the pan.
Good luck 🤗

I would give him a long list of his faults, and then request a divorce from the narcissist.

I would tell him to type up the list, print it and then shove it up his arse.

He naps everyday?! What a lazy fucker.

I agree.
I think he's getting ready to cheat - if he hasn't done so already.
I'm sorry OP x

You could always present him with your list of faults that he has, or just cut to the chase and end the relationship.

Do you think you’re the same person he married? Or has this relationship changed you into a less confident, more anxious version of yourself?

If you can, try and find that person, don’t bother trying to please someone who has and will do nothing to lift you up.

Honestly just leave this idiot. There is nothing to discuss. You do not need to explain anything to him other than you wish to leave him. No mature adult behaves like this. Please start gathering important documents and see a solicitor. I find his behaviour really upsetting because it is designed to make you feel small and it’s cruel. Someone who is supposed to love you does not behave as he has. Not just the fact of the list but the kind of things he’s included on it. He clearly considers himself a prize of some kind. I think anyone who hears what you’ve described would strongly disagree. Just be done. Don’t waste any more energy on this fool. I wish you all the best x

He is emotionally abusing you OP. Are you sure you want to stay with someone who does that?

I think the odds are good that he has someone else already, either in his bed or in mind.

I've seen men become hyper-critical of their partners and pick fights like this when they start comparing them to the Perfect Other Woman and trying (subconsciously or otherwise) to make it their partner's fault that they've had their head turned, so that they don't have to bear either the personal guilt or social shame themselves. Some of them actively want their partners to end the relationship so that they can absolve themselves of that responsibility too.

I’m sorry -he has a NAP ??!!!
while you’re racing about doing everything ?!
byeeeeeee

We have done marriage counselling in thr past and don't think we got a lot out of it.

It feels like he wants me to fundamentality change who I am

If i do something wrong (in his view) and I apologise, but explain why I did it, thats ne being defensive and argumentative. However if I do just say sorry and won't do it again, that's me being dismissive and not taking it seriously

His good points ... he will cook dinner most days of the week, but will moan about it. Will cover if i have to travel with work although that is far less often than he does anything.

Calling you thick and stupid is abusive. You deserve better.

Can I ask who earns more? I know it shouldn’t matter for some men it does