AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

[Timeforachange2026]

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

He's selfish, feckless, insecure, needy, verbally and emotionally abusive. Is he staying with you just to have someone to insult?

He sounds like a massive baby.

In the short term, I would tell him that you're happy with who you are, you do more than your fair share, and he knows where the door is if he wants to leave.

I couldn't spend a second longer with anyone who actually called me thick and stupid to my face, who criticised me in the way this man is doing to you, and who makes so many demands on your time without giving much back himself.

Stop justifying yourself to strangers on the internet and to a man who despises you. Use that time and energy to improve your life.

Tell him you agree that you’ve both married the wrong person and you also feel you deserve a man you’re compatible with. Then ask him to work with you get the separation process started.

He doesn’t get to rip your character apart and then be too cowardly / selfish to allow you to get rid of him, just because it’s upheaval to his life. He’s effectively told you he doesn’t value or respect you - so now he can face up to the consequences of that.

BTW he sounds like a dick.

A grown man
Father of two
Saying you don’t make him feel special enough

just let that sink in

“give me a reason sweet cheeks”

Surely the response to DP to that list is… so why are you still here?!

Because though you may not do “enough” in his eyes, you still do your share. So without you he’d have to do it all. This way he gets to have his cake and eat it criticise it at the same time

Id be gone.

Do people actually pay you for giving them advice like this?

If so they are being robbed !!😮

If it was the first time, or a rare occurrence for something like this to happen, I wouldn't be jumping to the typical MN response of LTB. Tell him you both need to have a serious and rational discussion about the relationship. He isn't happy, you're not happy, long term marriages go through rough patches like this. Listen to what he needs, tell him what you need and find a compromise together so you can both have your needs met.

Tell him you have found him the perfect Gift for Father's Day, he is leaving or else you will go on strike, so he can find out how little you do... Tell your children that Daddy is in charge as he thinks he can do everything better than you... and ignore everyone. I give it 24 hrs or 48 hrs at the most.

During this period, get your ducks in a row and sort out the financials and make an app't with a solicitor.

It's difficult to know without hearing both sides of the story. On the one hand, he's put some effort into making that list so presumably he believes it to be true; on the other, if you don't see it that way how do you both get past it when you say you're already 'on the rocks'?

Your husband calls you thick and stupid?

He doesn't like you.

I'd leave him.

I'm a human being and think you are talking a load of crap.

Some people want to work on their marriages and can recognise and accept that their spouse has flaws, so I'm sure people would pay for her advice. I'm sure OP has flaws too but that's the thing with MN, you only get one side of the story. Her spouse could post his side of the story and have people telling him that his spouse is the one in the wrong.

OP, kindly, it’s not you it’s him, make exit plans as it won’t get any better. Been there & lived through that & still bear emotional scars as I didn’t go soon enough x

Is this definitely your husband and not one of your children who isn't being made to feel important enough? I'd tell him things are past the point of no repair and to crack on with divorce and find another mug look for someone he's more compatible with. In fact it sounds like he may have someone in mind already. You deserve better OP.

LTB

He is projecting all his crap onto you, you and your kids deserve better.

Seriously why are you with someone who calls you thick and stupid?

I disagree,
No-one should ever call their spouse "thick" or "stupid", there is no excuse for that sort of derogatory remark.

I would start asking myself what amazing qualities this man child had that meant I couldn’t do better on my own.

I was going to say the same thing. In fact I split up with a boyfriend who thought he was clearly more intelligent than me as he was a secondary teacher and I was a primary teacher. Twat.

OP, you deserve better than a man who doesn't like you or care about you. That list of so-called faults is basically a list of things that he wants to change to make his life easier.

Why are you with someone who treats you like this? Why are you passively accepting all this?