AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

[Timeforachange2026]

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

Run a quick as you can and on your way out make a list of all his flaws and throw it at him.

er, have you stumbled into the wrong thread, perhaps?

That's someone who wants out - or wants a maid/mail order bride.

Run to the hills....

So his complaint is you don’t make him feel special while he telling you that you are boring. Is that his way of making you feel special?

Nobody on this thread is ever going to want to go to marriage counselling if this is how they would be treated. He calls her stupid and thick and you say she needs to listen to him moaning that she won't stop work before her finish time to pay the man child some attention. Absolutely disgusting attitude to a woman who is clearly being emotionally abused by a narcissist.

OP, I would recommend speaking to Women's Aid as he is abusing you, even if not physically, and they can offer you advice and support. I am so sorry you are going through this.

💯💯

Before you say anything to him… 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

Belittling your spouse is not telling them something is wrong. It’s a strategy to push her as far as he can.

i stupidly spent time with someone in my younger years who would accuse me of looking at other males, so i too clammed up and wouldn’t look at people in our group on pub night. People do start to think something is wrong with you, but for the sake of avoiding another argument it is easier.

he doesn’t deserve her !

NC as could be outing with previous threads.

Has he got time for a second family as you could be describing my DH, except he rarely does dinner and if he does its banana sandwich or cheese and crackers.

Things I do wrong,
I don't close the curtains properly.
I stir tea wrong,
I don't do enough housework, except I'm not supposed to do housework when he wants to spend time with me. I'm not even allowed to wash up if he's waiting to go to bed.

I'm not a sexy wife any more
I put our DC first
I don't pay into the household expenses (I've paid nursery fees since DC was 8m).
I don't talk loud enough, andI use the wrong tone.
I criticise everything he does, I hear this even if I haven't spoken a word.
I pack too much when we go away, probably true but he doesn't actually give me any time to.pack for me and Dc so I just chuck things in bags.
I don't remember every detail about a film ( I probably slept through) 4 years ago.
I don't listen (I do try).
I don't tell him enough about my life
I don't want his preferred type of intimacy.

Will I leave him, probably not bc I believe he is a better influence on our DC than no father and I don't have any other male family representatives. But dear G, its a tough gig OP.

Sister. LTB.
That kind of "male influence" is shit.
You're allowing your husband to teach your child how to treat you, how to treat women.
Why do you want that?

Haha I had a list given to me about my faults in the middle of a break up. Just reinforced it was the right decision

After this update, just fuck him off.

Some one told me once that the time to seriously think about divorce is when you find everything annoying from what they say to the way they hold a spoon.

It is true, you don’t need to wait until you start throwing things to each other to start putting your ducks in a row. If you are doing so much and it is still not enough, I can assure you that you would find single motherhood a breeze compared to what you have today, removing a manchild that is always putting you down and giving you so much extra work.

@Timeforachange2026

This!!

(Indeed, time for a change!!)

OP -

Im glad you are seeing this loser for what he is.

I agree. Don’t let him know you want to divorce him.

Solicitors are expensive so you might want to handle the divorce bit yourself. It’s 500 ish and just requires filling in simple online forms. You’ll need your marriage certificate and ID.

There is a cooling if period of a few weeks inbetween first filing and applying for the interim order (decree nisi as was). Then another before you can file for the final order (decree absolute as was).

In between the interim and final it’s wise to get the financial bit legally sorted. This prevents him coming back in the future and renegotiating. This is the bit legal advice is essential for.

Mediation can help sort out child care arrangements. You get one free session.

So there are three separate but linked processes;

• divorce
• financial settlement
• childcare arrangements

You need details of your respective incomes, assets, debts and pensions. If you can get some of this before you see the solicitor and without him knowing that would be good. If you look at something called the ‘Form E’ that will give you an idea of what information you’ll need to gather.

If you have joint accounts try and close them if you can think of a reason to that won’t make him suspicious. Make sure you know where all the money is.

You can free legal advice by phoning a law firm to get their free initial session. Lots of good stuff online too.

He resents you. There’s no coming back from this, please leave him and shine alone. He sounds horribly selfish. It’ll only get worse.

This is verging on the abusive, however is it something you do that is being played back at you? I ask because we only have one side of the story

Agree with this!

Don't live like this - you don't have to put up with someone who clearly isn't on your side, and is actively undermining you and working against you.

Wow 😮 do not put up with being treated like a doormat. What a catch. So angry for you.

You don’t need to change at all, except to rid yourself of this abusive, immature idiot, before he does more damage to your self-esteem and identity.
Do not go to marriage counselling until he has been in therapy to learn why he is an abusive prick and how is going to change. (Spoiler alert: he thinks he is perfect and doesn’t need to change.)
Please know that this is not your fault - certainly nobody is perfect, but the way he has gone about this tells you a lot about who he really is.

I'd think he was a petulant, childish tosser who should toddle back home to his mummy and stop wasting my time.

Honestly, his list of complaints is almost him shouting "Me, me, me". What sort of man resents the mother of his children spending time with his children?

What a knob.

Why would he expect to come before the children?

ODFOD. That's all.

I would feel like a divorce where I get every other weekend free and he has to help pay for childcare, etc..