AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

[Timeforachange2026]

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

What a dick!! You can do so much better than this knobhead.

Get yourself to the solicitors and enjoy life again.

I did and don't regret it one bit! And the kids were so much more relaxed when they started living in a home that wasn't having silence all the time from him. That was 13 years ago, and I'm now with a lovely man, who treats me right, doenst criticise me, helps me when I'm stuck, explains things I don't understand and listens to me! Don't get me wrong we have our moments but they're literally that- a moment. Not 2 weeks and silenc and being called a c**t.

I haven’t read all the comments op but I’ve read your updates. I had the exact same list from my ex husband, almost word for word. Only it was over the course of a few months. It turns out he was cheating on me. He also became emotionally and financially abusive after we had our children. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk. I highly recommend you reach out to women’s aid and plan your escape in secret. Men like this turn nasty quickly once they realise you’re leaving them, because they view you and their children as a possession. It’s ok for them to discard you, but not for you to leave. Don’t let him know your plans until you’re ready, seek legal advice early. A happier life is waiting for you if you leave him, I promise.

@Timeforachange2026
Please get everything sorted before telling him. Get solid legal advice and a plan.
Pay deposits, hire movers, etc. get a legal separation with custody demand or arrangement written. Do not give him a heads up on anything. Get your tribe together so you have support. Make sure you have people you can trust to help you with loyalty to you. Don't tell anyone until everything is in place and you are ready to go. Frankly, I'd move out with the kids after he's gone to work and leave his copy of the legal papers on the table for him when he gets home. Be smart.

I'm so pleased to hear this.

This man is just... a shit man, basically.

I'd list all his and then get divorced.

He must feel he holds all the cards if he is talking to you like that. Time to take back control of your own life. Don't go nuclear, stay silent and get out of there. There a line that shouldnt be crossed and he is literally MILES over it.
Take. Back. Control.

Also play your cards close to your chest. Do not give him any information as to what you are thinking or doing.
Knowledge is power. Deny him that.

He is ridiculous. To be honest, I'd leave telling him until you're walking out the door (or booting him out!) He is spiteful and he'll just try to sabotage you otherwise!

I'm so sorry but I think you'll be so much happier when he's no longer dragging you down.

This OP. Don't speak to him till you have a clear plan and get financial evidence of bills incomes etc. don't be screwed over. You're not thick nows the time to show how smart you are. Protect yourself.
Good luck. It's not an easy road. Look after yourself.x

I would reply “‘Thank you for telling me how useless I am It’s the perfect way to make someone feel great.

Would it surprise you to know you are not perfect either? I can match your list in fact but i would like to remember we once loved each other.
If you think our marriage is worth saving we should talk,

What else you say depends on your situation. In my experience- and I have had 3 marriages and other long relationships (I’m very old) a high percentage of marriages fail because of sex or it’s absence.

I said you are being unreasonable but only unreasonable to want to be with this absolute self Important man child. Who is he to say what you can and can’t do? Get a sitter on a Saturday and go out with friends/family (not him) or colleagues. Build a life without him. Arrange play dates with your kids and other parents. Show him you’re doing just fine.

As an Indian / Asian it is much much harder

im 55 male seeking my forever after again! Lady one decided she wanted the neighbour so we divorced.

based on my experiences and research etc…

Most women seem to specify they are looking for eg female is say 35 and her profile states male 25 - 36, or if the female is 45 states male aged 37 - 45 ie same age or younger or maybe a year older but 7 or ten years younger etc especially on places like Shaadi etc. nobody seems to value older guys anymore! I’m told al is always I look 45 so 10 years younger and recently I’ve been getting 48,49 etc but I’m shedding the extra stone so 🤞🏽.

also the apps - don’t take my word for it, feel free to research yourself or inbox me and I will dig out the links to my research etc apps are racially profiling and working against people of ethnicity. And it’s twice as hard if you are an Indian male than it is for an Indian female and even for Indian females all the big websites and I’m talking bumble tinder OKCupid match POF and many others! Even of Indian females it is about 90 times harder than for Caucasian females! So us poor Indian guys are screwed I’ve been on and off sites for ten years and then give up then try again etc etc.

then there is the racial prejudices and biases or as they are known racial preferences! But to me personally it makes no sense to call it anything else! A Caucasian man doesn’t mind dating an Indian females as much as a Caucasian female “prefers” lol …not to date an Indian guy!

so again guys like me who would date Caucasian or Indian women and tbh have a slight preference of Caucasian females (it’s not racial trust me it’s just a tiny difference) but I would never rule out any race! I just prefer thinner females and at my age my preferences are set to 40+ to 60, but I don’t feel 55 don’t look 55 but do have the maturity and wisdom of someone 70 lol

ive never been unfaithful, even in a 19 year sexless marriage (and by that I mean less than 19 times in 19 years) it is against my morals, my beliefs and my beliefs!

I am old school values with a modern outlook ie if two consenting adults decide on an open marriage, polyamory, etc etc it’s fine as long as it’s an honest relationship with zero lies! It’s that simples!

I’ve been single for 11 years and not had intercourse in 20! I’ve had a couple of opportunities but I would have had to lie about my feelings and say I loved her, I refused to lie and then it turned out she wanted me anyway! So it ended up neither of us getting any intimacy but both wanting it! I broke that one off as I don’t like games and people saying they want one thing but wanting the opposite! lol if you want fwb or casual etc just say it!!!

anyway sorry I digress!

my point being that having had to fight at school every day for racism, having bricks through our windows at least every month or two been told I’m ugly by my closest (Pakistani) friends from age 14 to about 22, then having been told the same words by my now ex wife from about 28 to about 44 confidence is low! Very very low! Plus my preference of skinny or thin/average sized women (partly due to my mild macromastophobia) 🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️🤷🏽‍♂️ I don’t think I’m ugly but I do think women don’t find me attractive (due to dating sites and the racial stereotypes, preferences and biases of the women eg if you don’t tick the Indian or Asian box on the dating or hookup or casual dating etc etc site then Indians and Asians will not come up in your match results for you to swipe on!) And based on having read that for an Indian guy to stand an equal chance as his Caucasian counterpart he would have to swipe around 150 women for every 1 swipe the counterpart swiped. And that is based on blind swiping! Without looking to see if you find them attractive! So factor that in and that explains why after 1 million+ swipes and having met around 20 or so ladies (and finding 18 of them weird and or messed up and two decent females it explains why I am still single! Anyway my point is don’t rely on dating sites like I did! I had no choice because I have very low confidence due to those aforementioned traumas etc. I wish you luck and if you can please say a prayer for me… To not die having NEVER been loved by a good woman!.

LTB
Start to plan your new life now. Its not easy with kids but its easier than with 2 kids plus a spoil petulant nasty man baby that undermines your self confidence.
You are too good for him

Straight up abuse. LTB - And I rarely say that. This man doesn’t want to make the marriage work, he just wants to make the end of it your fault because he’s at the very least emotionally immature. I would t put another minute of effort into it. Move on and build a life that you want. Not one where someone tells you you’re thick. Man alive. The rage I feel and it’s not even me. No one should ever speak to their partner like that, ever. It’s not acceptable, not even once. Leave and good riddance! 🫂

This 100%!!!

I just read the thread, albeit only vaguely because I got fed up of seeing a conversation about all the different things that are 'wrong with you'. There's nothing wrong with you and it is a complete and utter waste of time to be discussing, or even giving any thought to, any of these random complaints.

you're shit at parking - so? you want to be close to the kids in the heatwave - ok? he thinks you should blah blah blah or he thinks you are thick etc etc. literally this is just noise. when I read that you 'try' to fix what he's been complaining about but then he snaps back I honestly wanted to reach through the computer and shake you (in the kindest, most supportive way possible).

The guy is ABUSIVE. and ARSEHOLE. and to give any time to questioning whether or not you are any of these things he says about you is soooo beyond pointless. he will not change. you will never make him change by trying to do what he wants because you are ALREADY doing what he wants - youre trying to change for him...and that fills his cup.

Youre in an abusive relationship. You need to plan your exit strategy. This is no way to live the rest of your life.

He's setting you up to fail, you can't do right for wrong and he won't change, please look back at what you have written and what would your advice be if someone else had posted this.

Get rid of him, he is a disgustingly rude individual

we need that laughing emoji back!

Do what I did and stop doing everything. Unless it means the kids are in danger then don't do any of the extra things around the house. Just do the essentials for you and the kids let him do the rest. I stopped doing the washing, ironing and cooking when my exh told me I was lazy. He needed clean work clothes so was pointed in the direction of the washing machine. I only cooked if the kids were eating with me and didn't cook for him. I moved out of our bedroom and once I was ready petitionerd for divorce. I realised when talking to my solicitor how many years I'd been put down, gaslit and coercively controlled and decided it was time to get out. Hes horrible and you really need to start considering that life without him would probably be hard at first but much better gor you and your children in the long run.

Run for the hills OP - as fast as you can

He’d be an ex husband.

He sounds like a spoilt child! Get out now…

It is not a good idea to attend counselling with an abuser.

There is no sign he deeply loves her - no-one should have to tolerate being treated like that. He has chosen to make the situation unfixable

think, through reading the entire thread, my opinion would be that OP needs to get away from him and rebuild her life. He clearly may have his own work to do. But, until he's on his own, wondering what just happened, he won't get past his conviction that he is right about everything and the mother of his children and his life-partner is thick and stupid. Where is she to go with that?