AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's list of faults?

[Timeforachange2026]

Dh and i have been on the rocks for a while. Had come to heads with a massive argument today and he decided to list all my faults during an argument. Below is the list

Don't pay him enough attention.
Don't mase him feel special enough
Am too soft with the kids
Am too boring. Don't have a social life (came up when he called me an awful wife, said I coukd be worse and be out drinking every night etc and he said ooh imagine if you had a social life)
Work too much (both work full time)
Put the kids before him
Put work before him
Don't do enough around the house (I do the washing, load/unload the dishwasher, do all school drop offs and majority of pick ups bar a few odd days. Also all household admin, bills, appointments etc.)
Never listen...this came from an argument where he was shouting upstairs to our eldest...I wasn't listening as it was a conversation between them and didn't hear my name mentioned...and he got thr hump that I didn't answer

In regards to making him feel special or pay enough attention, not sure what else he expects. We work full time, have two young children and various school activities. He finishes work earlier than me and moans i don't finish work at the time on my WFH days to spend time with him (i'm contracted to 5pm??)

Oh and I don't cook dinner enough.

If someone gave this as a lift of flaws...how would you feel

Corrected Version
Don't pay him enough attention – You work full-time and have children!

Don't make him feel special enough – Oh please, how ridiculous.

Am too soft with the kids – Up for debate. He is probably too hard on them.

Am too boring. Don't have a social life – You are so busy working full-time and raising a family. A social life often starts back up after the kids have grown.

Work too much – If you work part-time, he would complain you don't work enough.

Put the kids before him – As it should be! Aren't parents supposed to do that?

Put work before him – Full-time work takes up a lot of hours and it is important that you get the work done so you can keep your job.

Don't do enough around the house – Sounds like you do a lot!

Never listens – You listened to all of his complaints. Clearly, you listen.

He’s been saving all this up,these are just words, how long before words turn into action - by him.
Marriage is a partnership but yours seem to be about “what he wants”.
I realise that here on Mumsnet we are only reading about your side of things, however it’s obvious you are both unhappy. Take action now - counselling, separation or divorce, or the children will suffer long term.

Please don’t leave him OP, make him leave, tell him as you aren’t “good enough” he should GO and find someone better.

Then buy yourself a robotic hoover and get a Deliveroo account. What a twat he is.

He should be calling you thick or stupid or any name at all he sounds like a narcissist! Honestly me me me me
Your life will be easier and happier without him!

Should Not * be calling names

Respond with your own list and some of your own home truths about him. Start a social
life of your own and see how you feel with your own space. If his protestations continue then consult a solicitor & buy some decent headphones.

As hard as this change will be, you’ll actually find your life is easier once this horrible negative person isn’t constantly telling you how worthless you are. Communicate only in writing (either by text or through solicitors) and only discuss necessities, no personal chitchat, no small talk. He will almost certainly turn into an even meaner, pettier, nastier version than he is, so be prepared to ignore the insults and don’t allow him to draw you into sniping and insults.

But, honestly, get your ducks in a row and get the fuck away from this vile man.

You poor thing.
I had a fiancé in my 20s and he demonstrated some of the same behaviors - if I didn't do things the way he did them (which were obviously the only right way) I was clearly an idiot. He put me down a lot. He didn't have a list of all my faults, but his awful mother kept a spreadsheet!

I was devastated when we broke up but it was for the best. It destroyed my self confidence and took years to get it back.

I'd never put up with such treatment now!

Good!!

This man is abusive. If only by the fact he has being stonewalling you fur the last 5 days, let alone all the other stuff.

Please do NOT tell him you’re seing à sollicitor.
Do NOT give him a whiff of what your plans are.
Sort things out for yourself first. Then tell him.
Because you can be sure the first thing he’ll do is to make it your fault, that you’re just too anxious, seeing problems when there aren’t any, that you’re stupid etc…..
So when you go in, I’d have an iron clad plan you can stick too despite his attacks.

Anyone who would say those things to someone they have chosen to share a life with is treating that person as an employee.

I’d spend some time considering what a comparable list of his “faults” would be and include it in my divorce papers.

This

Basically, everything about you seems to irritate him. He is criticising your whole way of being and who you are. You need to have a serious conversation with him about where he wants your marriage to go. Because, to me, it seems he is not really in it and most certainly does not have your back as a husband should. But first, hand him a full list of all his faults and everything he does wrong or doesn't do in the marriage or household and let's see how he takes that.

"It came out of nowhere"
🙄

@Timeforachange2026 I wish you every success in getting away from him.

This man doesn’t even like you. He sounds like a knobhead. I am sure you will be far happier living separately from him.

Divorce him.

Relieved to read this. You will be so happy and peaceful without this awful person, I promise you!

You're in the wrong job. What she needs is to leave this selfish pig and reclaim her life.

This is the "script" op. Look it up. He's positioning himself as the poor neglected husband to gain sympathy from family when he starts a narrative the second you sling him out he's also using the script because he's a coward and has had his head turned but wont be the one to end thing. Leave asap and start your own narrative of the truth to whoever will listen because he will make you out to be a monster

You sound like a great and responsible person! YANBU, OP 💖

Please divorce this manbaby

I never understand why someone calls a partner thick?
As in thick enough to have picked a man like this as a partner/spouse?
They are really insulting themselves.
Imagine a man saying God my friends are rank as well as stupid, I mean clearly, picking me as a mate just confirms it?

I am sorry to read this. It must have been very hard. All of us in couples have to deal with many, many compromises. A big decision for you is whether you want to try and fix this. And of course, this means in a calm moment asking him if he also wants to fix this. Counselling will help enormously, whether individually or together. Try not to dwell on all the negativity, since he obviously loved you deeply once, and maybe still does. Things can flare up suddenly, and he may not mean it? Take a breath, try and think. and then make some moves. I wish you luck x

Holding my hands up here, I have not read the entire thread.

I have read all the OPs posts though, and omg how have you managed to not bury him under the patio yet?

Kick him to the curb girl, this is not someone you want to spend any more time with. He is systematically brow beating you down to become the little woman who can't speak or act for herself. You will 100% be better off without this troll in a husband suit.

Hugs and best wishes, and stay strong. He can't destroy you if you dont let him.

All of this.

I'd feel hurt and couldn't stand breathing the same air, never mind living together. It's a good job he's amazing and makes you feel special, otherwise he's a massive twat, isn't he. What a shit he is. Ask him to be kinder, look after you or is it all about him. Selfish knob.