To expect the adults to eat with us

[princesspadam]

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

So are any of them allowed to use the kitchen after you and your dp have eaten?

I think it's a positive that they are buying their own food and sorting their own meals out and don't think they should be forced to eat with you. Maybe the GF (or both of them?) doesn't like the same sorts of meals as you - I'm a LOT older than 21 but I still don't really love the meals that my inlaws mostly like to have for dinner.

I think ground rules like a pp suggested e.g. 'kitchen closes at 8' is the best way forward.

This is why we need the laugh emoji back.

You’ve made random comments with very little justification around what you comment even means. The clear meaning being exactly as I’ve taken it and described, and yet you call this fiction 😂🤦‍♀️

There should be no ranking in the household in that way, unless someone is behaving inherently disrespectfully, which nobody is. The OP feels inconvenienced that their child (who is a fully grown adult) is using the kitchen at a normal and sociable hour, because it isn’t in line with what they feel is sociable. But the son is cooking his own food, buying it, and not doing it in the middle of the night, so why should he have to change the time he eats…because he doesn’t pay for the house?

As he is the child not the parent, he doesn’t pay for the house, so that shouldn’t mean he ranks lower than his parents. So your comments don’t really make a lot of sense.

it’s disrespectful to, by choice, cause disruption and inconvenience to those you share a house with for the majority of the week.

What a load of absolute nonsense! There is nothing "disrespectful" about adult children preparing their own meals together, eating them and clearing up after themselves on a different schedule to the rest of the house. If anything it is the opposite and if it was a separate room no one would be saying anything.

The problem here is that OP decided at some point that moving 4 children into a house with a completely shared living space was a good idea and now their step dad gets the hump that he gets no peace and quiet.. I'm not surprised with 4 kids + girlfriends/boyfriends in the house!

He needs to take himself off to his bedroom or the shed if he wants peace and quiet from the 5 other adults living in the house, like normal people do!

Again, there is when it inconveniences and disrupts others for the majority of the week. Compromises have to be made. Those who don't compromise are the un reasonable ones.

Nope, your fiction is making up things I said or insinuated when I didn't. Pointless and inaccurate.

The owners of the house absolutely have the right to set reasonable household rules, regardless of the age of the other occupants. Being adult doesn't mean you can ignore the expectations of the people whose house you're living in.

Expecting consideration for shared spaces and noise levels is entirely reasonable.

Son can compromise to meet these expectations or he can wait until he owns or rents his own space to be responsible for.

But what are the realistic compromises? They can't cook earlier as OP and her DP are using the kitchen area at tea time, her son waits till they are finished and starts his and his girlfriends food, his girlfriend works late sometimes.. they cook, they chat, they eat, they clean up.. exactly what OP was doing an hour and a half earlier.. when the son is up in his bedroom out of their way.

OP and her DP are the ones that have chosen the type of house, which is completely unsuitable for people that want peace and quiet. The kids had no say, so the compromise should be that if people using other areas at perfectly reasonable times doing perfectly reasonable things is disturbing you, then it is up to the adults to fix the problem that they created, as in they should carve themselves out some space in the house where the can enjoy as much peace and quiet as they like.

Expecting people to not make noise in the house so they don't disturb you when it was you that decided on a stupid open plan house in the first place us ridiculous.

Homeowners set reasonable expectations for house rules. Just because someone is an adult, it doesn't mean you get to disregard this. The only other exception being is if that adult pay a market rent to live there.

Compromise is that they agree on how many days this can take place. The majority of the week is not reasonable.

I think you are being unreasonable, yes. They sound like model kids! They buy their own food; they wait until you're finished; they don't hover over you or intrude on your space whilst you're cooking/having dinner; they do their own cooking; they eat their meal together at the table whilst talking with each other (not perched on the edge of their bed in their room, eyes glued to a screen) and then they clean up immediately afterwards! Well done on raising a good man.

@princesspadam What time frame are you guys using the kitchen from start to finish?

Is there time between you finishing and them starting that’s just empty or are they pretty much waiting for you guys to finish up most nights so that they can then cook the food they want?

If there is a large enough time apart from the days she is working late evenings then a kitchen closed time could work.

But if you finish at 8pm by the time you’ve washed up and packed away again and they start cooking at 8:30pm I don’t think they are unreasonable at all.

It’s just unfortunate layout. If you look at them as lodgers you wouldn’t expect them to eat with you but they would be expected to be allowed to use the kitchen.

Charge them rent like lodgers if that makes it more palatable.

I am surprised how many people just stay to ban him from cooking in his own home. They can't cook while you are cooking so if they want something different it makes sense for them to do it after. It sounds like you don't like them eating at the table after you have eaten either so you or rather your DP still isn't happy if they get a takeaway. They even buy their own food!

The problem here is that your house is open plan. Didn't you think of this when you were deciding where to live? My 19 yo son (and his GF when she is here) usually eat evening meal with me and I probably cook 3 or 4 times to their once. We usually watch TV together and then either they or me or sometimes all of us will vacate the living room. As a general rule, I get first dibs. If they want to cook separately it's not a problem as out kitchen is separate.

In the day they usually get their own breakfast or lunch and if the lounge is free would go in there, otherwise they eat upstairs but he does have a sofa and TV in his bedroom. They are home from uni for the summer and I love having them here. I had looked at downsizing and am staying put for now but would not even look at open plan while he is living at home even part time as we need/I prefer separate spaces.

It doesn’t sound like they do do it the majority of the week though. It’s a maximum of 4 nights that the girlfriend stays over and they ‘mostly get takeaways and shitty pizza’. It sounds like it’s only occasionally that they might cook ‘steak and some veg’. I can guarantee that if the opening post had been complaining that son has his girlfriend around 4 times a week and op had to do all the cooking for them, including buying all the food (plus the other 3 nights a week for the son when girlfriend isn’t there), then people would be saying that they should be paying for their own food and cooking it themselves.

Why not ask your DS to cook for you and DH once a week, ask them to eat with you once a week when you cook and let them fend for themselves and clean up kitchen after themselves the other nights.

It’s bizarre to me that anyone thinks it’s unreasonable for a young adult to cater for himself in his own home. Of course he wants to choose and cook his own food, he’s 21! This is a success. I’d be much more worried about a young man who expected to sit down to three meals a day from Mummy. As long as he cleans up after himself - that’s not negotiable - then he’s doing nothing wrong. This is a very normal part of having young adults living at home.

Homeowners set reasonable expectations for house rules.

Yes they do, and that is fine. Banning DS from cooking his own meals, or being in the kitchen dining area in the evening isn't reasonable, they only 'sometimes cook' as the rest of the time they eat takeaway or pizzas, so it actually sounds to me like DP just doesn't want his step kids around when he's trying to 'chill and watch tv':

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

sometimes they’ll be frying a steak & veg at 8pm …..then they eat & chat at the table …… then they clear up and wash their dishes so might be 9/9.30 before DP gets any peace

I think OP has got a DP problem to be honest and I'd be encouraging her to look more deeply in to what the crux of the problem is, not shooing her son away because her DP has decided he wants the living room to himself.. grim.

Meeting at a compromise isn’t ‘banning’. OP said it was 4 days a week, so that’s the majority of the week.

’Being in the kitchen’ and ‘making meals’ is not the issue. It’s creating noise in shared spaces by doing so.

But it IS an issue, OP.
It's disrupting your evenings.

It's open plan, the only way he can't make noise in the shared space is if he is banned from using it.. doesn't matter if that is one day or four, so not sure on your point, limiting/banning, it's all the same thing.

At the end of the day the step dad doesn't want OPs kids in the shared space after 7:30pm making noise, and if they do it "pisses him off".

Like I said.. grim.

Clearly you have a problem with step dads and this is why it annoys you to such a degree.

Note that the OP also said that it was driving her crazy also.

The compromises for a reduced number of days of the week are numerous – eat with family instead, cook something quicker and eat in bedroom, eat dinner OP has prepared in bedroom, eat elsewhere. That’s a reasonable expectation from the person who owns the home.

Maybe the TV watcher(s) could wear headphones?

I think if he's a step dad it's more inappropriate that he be getting pissed off with her kids for being present in the house, but even if he was their dad I'd still think he was unreasonable to choose a house with open plan living and get pissed off when other people want to use that space in exactly the way it is intended, in perfectly reasonable hours.. they've got no where else to go!

The can't eat with the family, as the girlfriend finishes late, op has already told us that.. so all your "solutions" involve them not being in the shared living space at all, banning them then.

The main thing that pisses me off here is you can watch TV anywhere, literally anywhere, and you can get peace and quiet anywhere if you are prepared to go somewhere more private. Cooking and eating can and should be in the kitchen/dining area, it's selfish to dictate that no one be allowed to do that when he (and OP) could just go off somewhere else for an hour and get the exact result they want.

The girlfriend has even fewer rights to dictate anything here whatsoever. She’s not a member of the household – she’s a guest.

They can absolutely eat with the others, because OP said they both sit upstairs while the rest are eating and wait til they are finished. She’s only works late one day a week.

You’re just making stuff up now.

The son isn't dictating anything, the girlfriend isn't dictating anything.. they are cooking food in the (shock horror) kitchen, or eating in the (shock horror) dining area between the hours or 7-9pm.

But yes you're absolutely right, disrespectful selfish twats, the pair of them.

Im very chilled with my kids, I always offer food but happy for them to make something else later, the only rule is down cook ingredients earmarked for a meal later in the week.

Maybe his gf has anxiety or issues with food or maybe they just dont feel hungry until later. The open plan part I get but just put a final.time in when food can't be cooked after bug otherwise let them be imo

How strange.

Some threads go in the direction that as soon as teens turn 18 they should be independent and are spoilt and lazy if their parents cook all their meals.

However, people on this thread don’t like that 2 adults are buying their own food and cooking meals themselves.