To expect the adults to eat with us

[princesspadam]

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

most of it tbf

Why, because they don’t want to sit and eat politics over a meal they don’t like?

I know how annoying this is because my niece lived with us for a while and used to batch cook her lunches in the evening and we are open plan. It was a slow process going on until 10 o'clock at night so noise all evening. Fortunately, as it was batch cooking, it was only one night a week. Perhaps you can come to a compromise? Like they cook enough for a few meals, so only intrusive one night a week, plus minimal microwaving, and eat with you for a night or rwo (or out)? I think you need to have a chat about it and not suffer in silence.

I think the big deal is the loss of control. So many parents just want to exercise that over their children regardless of common sense. Having a 21 year old who is stepping further into independence and buying and cooking their own meals is a good thing, not a bad one. I can’t imagine feeling so resentful towards my children that then cooking a meal would become problematic. But yes, it’s about control, just like the ‘your house, your rules’ comments.

if you think its childish to not want to eat food you don't like and talk about polarising topics you don't enjoy every night, then yes I am childish! 😂

My first love was kept well away from my parents house! Not cute at all: entitles and gross. It isn't their house. Parents are entitled to privacy.

Let them do it in the property they pay for then!

Such contempt.

No I wouldnt like somebody coming into my kitchen and starting cooking again. I might tolerate this once a week. Any more often then they need to get their own place. I couldnt stand somebody staying 4 nights a week.

Fully agree
Hate open plan
When I've eaten and cleaned up I don't want someone cooking in the room where I'm watching TV.
Time for a conversation OP

I would be irritated by the amount of extra gas and electric used if ongoing over a long period. DS ex GF used to stay 3 nights a week and they almost always ate with us. Though he would cook for her occasionally.

This. If they want this lifestyle they should get a flat together.

I think YABU as they have a right to eat their own food.

I for example, would prefer to eat different food than my mum cooks. And i now resent not getting to choose my dinner because i have to prioritise my DH and kids.

I would say they do need to clean up any mess they make.

What is the plan for him moving out eventually?

This is perfectly natural and surely you want your ds to be independent and capable of looking after himself, which includes feeding himself.
I can't see that forcing them to eat with you will go down well.
Presumably they can't afford to move out yet so compromises needs to be made. It won't be forever, but you're better off supporting his independence than trying to stifle it.

Your DS is living as if he's in an HMO. He isn't. If that's the setup he wants he can move out and get a room in an HMO. If he wants to live in a family home then he needs to be mindful of that. It's perfectly reasonable for you and DH to set a curfew time that there's no further cooking or bustle in the kitchen after X time (when you are trying to chill on the sofa). You should also set limits for how often gf can come over

I think open plan living inevitably needs a lot of rules and structure to work. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to want to buy and cook their own dinners but you need a time limit that it has to be done by.

I could see my son and gf wanting to eat separately if they lived here. It wouldn’t bother me at all, but then we don’t have open plan.

Rather than making them eat with you just have a time limit for them to do their own dinners.

Try being open with them both. Say that GF is welcome to stay but open plan layout means it doesn't work to have 2 separate evening meals. Suggest you take it in turns to cook and eat all together, or they need to go out to eat. Young people simply don't realise this kind of thing if it isn't explained.

What a oain open plan layouts are. Perhaps they will go out of fashion soon. A separate kitchen dinner would make this mich easier.

Do you like your children? Have you seen how much rentals are? Their worst crime is cooking for themselves at an inconvenient time, I wouldn’t call that a bags on the doorstep moment. The issue really is open plan living and why, unless you live alone or as a loved up couple, it’s not a good design.

The ‘can just move out squad’ seem to be encouraging no contact once their offspring can move out. Why didn’t your parents want you at home - oh I liked to cook my own food!

Two of mine cook for themselves sequentially so the kitchen is alive all night. I only object the they argue whilst sharing it! I don’t want to eat a super high protein diet like they do and am happy they are gaining life skills. When the girlfriend is round I love it - so cute and better than the endless chips snd crisps that I probably lived on at their age!

I do think you are being unreasonable. In my house it’s our family space and while truly antisocial shit isn’t welcome, cooking and chatting with your girlfriend is lovely. Turn the telly up, ask them to be a bit quieter or even make a second sitting room in your bedroom or study if you have one. I would say it’s time to look at how you want to use your space not to be a duck about normal and reasonable choices.

My DDs are adult and cook for themselves. I have a rule not after 10 pm and they clean up after themselves too.
I don’t think you and your dh can dictate where they spend their time on an evening.

I'm not in the just move out squad myself but it's things like this that remind me of why I was so cynical in the 2010s when people kept talking about intergenerational living become normal again. Our culture isn't any good at it and no one really wants it.

Is your DP your DS’ father? If not, I’d not be letting this man have a say in how my son conducts his life.

Tbh 630pm/7pm is more of a kids’ tea-time for me. We have dinner at home around 8pm.

But you're the ones setting the schedule by cooking a bit later in the evening yourselves, when are they supposed to do it??

I don't see the problem with what they are doing at all, they are buying and cooking their own food so they aren't reliant on you, but your DP seems be taking it as a personal snub? I take it he's not your son's dad.

Why can't he go up to your bedroom until they are done cooking if he wants to watch telly in peace.