To expect the adults to eat with us

[princesspadam]

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

He's a grown man so expecting him to eat with mummy and daddy is a bit much.

Unfortunate that you have an open plan house. Perhaps ecouraging him to fly the nest is the best option if you're massively annoyed.

YABU

The kitchen and front room are family rooms.

As long as they’re cleaning up after themselves and buying their own food then it’s fine.

If you and DH want alone time then go to your room.

Why not have a limit on how many times she can come over and then you and DH can watch the TV in peace on the other days.

Assuming he’s doing at least some of the cooking, I think you should be pleased you have raised an adult who is capable and willing to do something for themselves rather than not lifting a finger

Is there no compromise? Do you eat completely different things? Could they cook one night and you another? Also they need to cook before you do surfaces etc so it’s only one job. They’re part of a family not house-sharers.

I also don’t agree it’s ’eating With mummy and daddy’. My relative moved home in her 30s for a few years, she ate evening meals with my mum every night and would have had lunch together if convenient. My relative sometimes cooked and sometimes my mum cooked.

also I lived with a relative for a few years. We rarely cooked our own meal one after the other. We’d invite him to join us/leave a portion 4/7 nights ish.

They don’t have to eat with you but probably a kitchen “closing”’time is fair so you can relax if it’s all open plan.

I disagree.

I can’t imagine not being able to eat and use the kitchen whenever I want in my own home.

I would definitely impose cooking times if the kitchen doubles up as the living room/TV room.

I would also suggest to them to take turns with the cooking so each couple cooks for four every other night as it's probably not practical to manage two cooking slots per evening in the times set.

If they want an independent living experience then they might need to move out. They will probably need to live in a flat share where some rules of co-living will also apply.

When I was 21 I would have found 6:30 quite early to eat. I think it’s good that he has independence skills and drive! I think just some ground rules so you don’t feel disappointed or have food waste, and you’re not disturbed by their cooking. Could you agree they’re going to buy and cook their own food from here, but have some time limits around the use of the kitchen?

OP says 'we' have open plan so I assume the house belongs to both of them. Giving him every right to say what goes on in the house that he pays for as much as she does

It’s everyone’s home … why should the parents have to listen to a load of banging and cooking at silly o clock when they are trying to relax, no doubt having been at work all day to pay the bills.

Nope,nobody uses my kitchen without specific permission,they eat with you or eat out.

Yanbu.
but yabu for having so far allowed this.
I would be insisting they either eat with you (the food you cook)
Or they cook and you eat with them the food they’ve cooked.
Or he moves out and into a place with her/on his own.

People who live together as a family normally eat together. It doesn't make him a child.

My Parents eat dinner by 5pm I am No way ready for dinner at 5pm. My children are but me no.

Your kitchen? Really? How controlling…

use it to your advantage.

Get them to do the cooking for you all those 4 nights a week - or at least compromise on 2!!!

Not even your own children?

What do they eat?

I'm on the fence. I think the issue is an open plan kitchen/lounge. Otherwise, this shouldn't be an issue without it.

Do stop cooking for them. Do tell them to prepare their meals in advance so they only need to be warmed up, or tell them to order in, or have sandwiches only.

Just say, as it’s your house, either way with us or go out. Maybe I occasionally thrg can cook themselves.

Need more info - who is paying rent? DS? Is the girlfriend living with you too?

They really need their space. Nobody should be stuck to their parents choices around food, meal timing, tv etc at that age. The housing crisis is so brutal on family relationships.

I can see why it would be annoying when your trying to relax, but if he pays rent then he should be able to use the kitchen when he wants, if he isn't then maybe you could come up with a compromise? Demanding they eat out is a bit harsh, it's so expensive nowadays and if they are serious then they may be trying to save for a house deposit so eating out would make that take even longer.

Perfectly reasonable to have a chat with them that they eat earlier if they want to prep own food or eat with family. Explain trying to relax after dinner and can't do that if they are then cooking.

YANBU

I’m not from here so it was definitely a culture clash for me. For me while everyone lives in the same house, meals are held together unless there’s a specific reason not to, like being away at work. It makes no sense to have the kitchen being used over and over, two separate meals for no reason (even worse if you’re paying for the ingredients) and all the prolonged noise.

I get people wanting to be independent, but that’s when you move out and then you can use the house whenever and however you want.