To expect the adults to eat with us

[princesspadam]

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

For me personally it’s my house so my rules. If they want to cook and make mess late at night then they can do that in their own place. I would actually say no more cooking in my kitchen. They are still welcome to eat with us though.

Are they on a high protein, lower calorie diet? Lots of young people are these days.

Or maybe your dinner time is a bit early and they prefer to eat at 8ish? I'd find 6.30 a bit too early.

If neither of those things, then I would suggest taking it in turns to cook!

I think if they are/ he is living with you, then house rules are totally reasonable.

So no, they don’t have to eat with you, but you can say “the kitchen closes at x time, no cooking after that time”.

Ideally though you could all to be taking it in turns to cook for the whole household to make life easier.

i'm 30 and when I go and stay with my parents I eat separately

My parents never cook food I want and the kitchen gets too crowded if we all cook at the same time.

I don't just want to sit and watch them eat and I don't enjoy us all sitting together either. My parents tend to talk about politics and I don't like it.

Night

Are they home before you? If so tell them they have to cook before you come home to cook for you two as you need to relax in the living room after.

this is not a big ask 😊

Leave em alone.

Or perhaps just your stuff dirty until after they’ve cooked and everyone clears up together?

6.30 is quite early for an all adult household to be fair

Could it be that she's concerned that she's not contributing, so doesn't want to be eating your food?

If they're cooking anyway, might be worth suggesting they cook for everyone once a week or so so that she feels she's contributing to the family.

Maybe they would be more inclined to have dinner with you if you didn’t eat so early?

Well it is if they don't want to eat at toddler tea time.

I don't know, if they're buying for themselves and tidying up after surely it is up to them when they cook and eat?

I would hate this, it is so bloody rude and a bit weird! Posters might come and say she might be introverted or something but your kitchen isn't a reasturant, and i would be having words with your son about it.

Is your dp always such a controlling arse?

They are adults. They don't have to eat with you. They are buying and cooking their own food, so set a rule around timings and move on.

I am gonna guess that dp is not ds's dad.

Ah i see the you eat too early crowd are in !

I cannot imagine saying to my own son that he cannot cook after a certain time. They are paying for their own food , and presumably clearing it away. If you are happy with her staying over so much I think this is part of it Im afraid.

We’re usually eating dinner by 5 😳 we don’t want to eat late then go to bed a couple of hours later still digesting food!

@windowslippers "I don't just want to sit and watch them eat and I don't enjoy us all sitting together either. My parents tend to talk about politics and I don't like it."

Maybe they feel the same about you. You sound rather childish for a 30 year old.

What part of what they said is childish?

Personally I think what they're doing is ok.

After 16 I never had dinner the same time as my family. I just cooked myself when I was hungry. What’s the big deal? They are being more independent

As long as they also properly clean up, I don’t see a problem with what they are doing. Why should they have to let someone else control their food choices?

They want to cook their own food and they are paying for it. As long as they don’t leave a mess behind I don’t really see the issue.

If you want to make it a big deal then go for it, but clearly they want to eat what they want for dinner at a time they find suitable.

Just stop cooking food which you know will be wasted.

Are they leaving the kitchen a mess? Are they screaming and shouting and running around whipping each other with tea towels?

If they ate with you and then stayed downstairs after dinner and talked to you / them would he be equally unhappy with the noise?

Is DP as on board with your DS and his GF spending they're time at yours? Sounds like they wither feel unwelcome at dinner, awkward with the expectations / conversations at dinner or the food isn't stuff they want to eat.

Is he paying board?

I think having a rule that they're not allowed downstairs after dinner tien is a good way to push them away

Your house, your rules! It's really that simple.