To expect the adults to eat with us

[princesspadam]

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

I love any of my 3 boys being home, cook when they like with who they like
i am 55 and stayed at my mums for a week last year, I hated the obsession with not buying my own food/ cooking after her/ eating early/ obsession with food etc. I had it as a teenager and it made me really anxious

never want that to happen in my home

I don't get it what's your real complaint here? It's there food what's the problem so many posts on here about lady ass kids that do nothing I'd be happy my kid is helping out are you worried his not going to need his mummy anymore 😂 😂

OP, what is the difference between the food you cook and the one they do?

Is it vastly different?

Who said anything about 10pm, though? I think everyone’s presuming that because they think that’s why the OP is annoyed as that would make sense. Nowhere does the OP mention the time though except to say that they wait until after they’ve eaten. They eat at 6:30pm though. If it was almost 4 hours later and approaching bedtime I’m pretty confident they would have said that. It could be as early as 7 - 7:30pm.

So the moment they gain any independence, kick them out?

I also can't help but think that this is a lot better than those adults living at home who just game all night, don't look for work, treat their parents like shit and live like parasites. It's a bit inconvenient but it's a sign that he's growing up into a responsible adult that can look after himself and collaborate with a partner.

Whilst they are buying their own food, it's still your house/your rules to a degree. I don't think you can insist they eat with you, but you can insist they cook/clean up BEFORE you eat so that once you've eaten etc there is no disruption from the kitchen. That's a fair request imho. If they don't like it, they can choose to eat with you, eat out or even go and cook at the Girlfriends house.

That wasn't my experience. Everyone had so many different extra curricular activities in our house it was a rare occurence to have us all eating in the same place at the same time. plus all kids had flown the coup by the age of 18.

Lots of good advice and ideas on here

yes me & DP own the house together

none of the children pay rent as we don’t need it and none of them are massive earners

DS’ girlfriend works various hours so it’s not always appropriate for them to eat with us but that might be just one night a week where she works until 7/8pm

they mostly order takeaways, eat shitty pizza, but sometimes they’ll be frying a steak & veg at 8pm …..then they eat & chat at the table …… then they clear up and wash their dishes so might be 9/9.30 before DP gets any peace

I don’t even mind plating up meals for them if they would eat it (this is what ds2 does as he’s out playing sport)
at least it would be a quick zap in the microwave and done

The issue is your open plan house not them wanting to cook for themselves.

I often had to do this when staying with my PIL. I just got on with it, it was only a few days.

@susiedaisy1912yes you’re probably right but we won’t be moving house to allow for adult children’s cooking times so not going to change

No, it's his parents' house.

sometimes they’ll be frying a steak & veg at 8pm …..then they eat & chat at the table …… then they clear up and wash their dishes so might be 9/9.30 before DP gets any peace..

Your open plan house is the problem, the decision to have that house is down to your and DP.. You can't forbid people from using it in the way it is intended just because your DP wants some "peace and quiet".

Maybe he should have thought about that before moving in with a woman with children, they do tend to want to exist after all.

Grown up version of a doll’s tea party? What a ridiculous thing to say.

My husband could have written this post!
The same happens in our house. It doesn't really bother me but it drives my hubby nuts.
They're both picky eaters so aren't keen on our food. They do clean up after themselves too.

So your open plan design has no spare room that could make a snug or something?

Open plans are ok if there’s a second room to utilise but if not, it’s a strange and impractical choice for a family.

It's clear they want some couples cooking time but.not unreasonable to not want them to do it every time. Can you talk to them and suggest all eating together one-two nights a week, then having the downstairs to themselves one night a week, and maybe a curfew to finish cooking by on the other nights. Or maybe ask them for suggestions.

this pisses DP off

This is one, of many, reasons I'd never have open plan! They are so impractical!

What would I do? Nothing if it didn't bother me. It seems to be an issue for your dh so let him find the solution with his ds.

I stopped being the peace negotiator for dh many years ago - your dh and ds are both adults let them sort it out between themselves. If their relationship is so poor they can't communicate, then it is about time your dh does something about that.

@nutbrownhare15 I think this is a great idea thank you

It’s your DP who’s bothered so surely his conversation to have?

Doesn’t he/you ever go out in the evening? If a regular evening, could that be when they cook? Or could he/you go for a walk while they’re cooking sometimes?

Agree with others this is a lodger situation, so basic rules needed.

Then what are the odds you wouldn’t buy a house with an open plan kitchen/living room?

That's a low bar. Lots of things which aren't the worst version of something are still unsatisfactory.

Vom. Maybe they just want to cook separately? Why are people so keen to rush their children into matrimonial cliches when they’re still kids?