To expect the adults to eat with us

[princesspadam]

Happy to be told AIBU but this is driving me & DP crazy.

my DS (21) has a girlfriend and has now stopped eating with us as a family most of the time

either me or DP will cook every nite so there’s always a meal for both of them if they wanted it (they don’t)

him and his girlfriend sit upstairs and wait for dinner to be over, kitchen tidy, everything away, then come down and cook for themselves

this pisses DP off as we have an open plan living area and after dinner he will chill & watch tv but they’re cooking & talking & generally making mess / noise

AIBU to ask them to eat with us? Or eat out?

Everyone who is in at dinner time eats together at ours, including the two who've already moved out if they're here (both here on average a couple of nights per week as they both only moved an hour away for work in the nearest large city, one has a long term partner who is here sometimes, and eats with us if he is, not that often as he usually goes to his parents when she comes to us). I buy all the food for meals eaten in our house.

The cooking separately would very much annoy me - eating out separately is a non issue but cooking in your house separately four nights per week is rude (and they're increasing your costs by using the oven/ hob again when you could have eaten together).

I don't know if you can back pedal having allowed it until now, but it's living like a house share, not as a family.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. I think YABU to resent them using the kitchen so
much. It’s perfectly fine to make sure they clean up after themselves or set a rule like no cooking after x time but it’s a bit controlling to say eat with us or eat out. Kids grow up and change, you need to adapt with them. You picked the open plan space, your son didn’t. It may of worked before but it’s a bit naive to assume situations or routines that worked once will work forever. Have a chat with them and find a solution that suits everyone

When I answered, I misinterpreted and thought that the girlfriend lived there. If they both rent paying residents of the house, even if the rent is modest, it would be fair to let them cook their own meals. Since it is just a matter of a girlfriend staying over excessively, I do think that changes things.

You didn’t agree to effectively sharing your home with another couple.

This
why don’t you mention this?
In would or say I’m sorry but I’m not happy you cooking after us and clattering round that’s our relaxing time. You need to eat with us as this isn’t happening. Maybe you could take it in turns to cook this could be win win but if they want to “play house” they need their own place.

I totally agree.

This is the problem of open plan, but unless they're planning on staying with you forever, it's bit expensive to change it to a kitchen/dining room/lounge. If you are planning to be a mulitgen household longterm, I would change this to sort the issue.
Could you and your partner watch TV in your bedroom, so you get peace from cooking and noise? I do get that a young couple probably don't want to cook and eat with parents.

Fantastic solution! Mum and dad are stuck in their bedroom,while the son and his girlfriend have the run of the house.

I’m of the attitude that it’s a home and not a serviced apartment.

suggesting a cooking roster is a good way forward (is there something they don’t like about how or what you cook?).

does DS go to hers for the other nights? What happens there?

I don’t understand why some people are saying things like ‘it’s not a hotel’. Buying and cooking my own food in the kitchen isn’t something I’ve ever done in a hotel. Sitting down and eating a meal cooked by someone else is though. I also don’t understand the comments around noise or smells. Cooking isn’t that noisy unless you’re going around intentionally banging things and the smell of cooking tends to be lovely unless they’re boiling cabbage or burning everything.

If you’re eating at half 6, and they come down afterwards, I presume they’re cooking around 8pm? That’s a perfectly reasonable time. I don’t think it’s fair to say that they have to always eat the exact food you decide or they have to eat out. That’s ridiculously controlling.

They are playing "homes". Like an almost grown up version of a dolls tea party!!
In the past kids would have moved out by 21 but no longer. No answer to your dilemma. If you dont like it then say no. It is annoying but unless they are serious about each other it wont last (until the next one!)

This.
They need to move out.
No way would that be happening here, not least staying 4 nights a week at 21.

You are very lax and he lacks curtesy and respect.

I would say one meal being cooked and you eat together and the kitchen is closed.
Otherwise he needs to start flat hunting.

Such entitlement when he is so young is hugely presumptuous.
I have 4 children 18-26 and this would not fly here at all.

It's best to be honest- more house shares founder on the use of the kitchen than anything else.
If you run a household, you have to have control of the kitchen, did the DS plan the kitchen, pay for it, or work in it ,year in year out?
All I can say is if you find this controlling then you probably don't do much in the way of planning and preparing meals in your kitchen- in which case it is indeed a freer space.

I think it's sweet and a real green flag tbh, I'd be proud of a son buying food, cooking with his gf and generally playing house. I'm assuming he clears up afterwards? However, it's your house not mine. Sounds like a chat explaining objective issues (noise whilst you're watching tv is fair) and maybe limited it somehow. You could also ask if they want to take over cooking and cook for all of you one night a week - that might release you from the burden, give them the opportunity to eat something they choose and encourage them to eat with you. Also, ask before cooking for them to stop annoyance over them not eating your food.

Also do think long term about what relationship you want. Maybe you do genuinely want them to get their own place and move on, which is reasonable. However, they'll eat with you a hell of a lot less then. If you insist they can't cook for themselves, I suspect they'll start to think about what next., they clearly see themselves as the "unit" and that's healthy now he's an adult with a stable partner.

@QuizNight

”the smell of cooking tends to be lovely “

yeah, no. I don’t want be smelling fish or garlic or whatever at 10pm while I’m watching the telly, I want to be smelling whatever lovely candle I’ve just lit or whichever nice room spray I’ve just sprayed. Once I’ve eaten I don’t want to be smelling food again

That. It needs a conversation where you describe the open plan issue (without criticism) and both parties come up with ideas to solve the problem.

I am absolutely with the people who think this is your family home, not a flat share. I hope you can agree an approach with your DS that respects those parameters while acknowledging that they dont always want to be in your pockets. Perhaps they could cook for everyone one night. You/ your DH cook for everyone another night and 2 nights they do their own thing but at a reasonable time?

as adults we were allowed to do our own thing aslong as all was washed and cleaned before we left as parents liked to eat earlier and actually more often than not I preferred to live on salads. Now with my own kids the 16 will very often make what he fancies for him and his brother and again aslong as they tidy I don't really mind

They definitely shouldn't be expected to eat with you , but if they cook their own food. Tekk them that needs to be done before yours so you can relax x

No! It's their house! Would you want to spend every evening in your bedroom while someone else relaxed in your living room?

If I had a stupid open plan house where you are all in literally one room for all the cooking, eating AND watching tv, then hell yes, I'd rather be relaxing in my bedroom until they finished cooking in the living room.

I would rather they were not cooking in the only living space! It would be different if they could shut themselves in the kitchen.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but I really dislike this patronising “playing house” comment that is shot at young adults now. It’s so insulting.

They are literally just living their lives in a house.

The only way they can escape comments like this is if they visit each other for an hour each night and have their parents cook and clean for them. And that’s not going to happen on account of them being adults and not 14 year old teenagers.

I imagine they think they a being considerate by keeping out of your way while you cook and eat with your partner. And then they take their turn to cook and eat together.

What does your son do when he’s not with his girlfriend? Do you eat as a family then or does he still cook for himself? What was the arrangement before the girlfriend stayed for 4 nights a week?

The options are to talk to your son, and maybe you can try and eat half an hour earlier so that they can cook earlier. I don’t think you can force them to not use the kitchen - when it gets to that point you just have to tell them it isn’t working.

But the open plan kitchen, dining and living areas are awful and you must have considered this when you bought or renovated the house.

@MerryUmberHedgehog

They are playing "homes". Like an almost grown up version of a dolls tea party!!

This is not how you talk about adults.

Why are you allowing this in your house???