Transgender niece

[Stargazelamb]

My niece lives in another country and I’ve just heard that she is becoming a he. She has changed her name, is taking hormone medication and now has facial hair. She is a transgender boy. However she sees herself as a boy. AIBU to think she will never be a biological boy and to refer to her as a transgender boy? I realise this could be an emotive topic.

For what other condition do people support taking a perfectly healthy body and attempt drastic surgical or pharmaceutical changes that could have lifelong negative impacts on their physical health?

Unless you have been in this position you cannot possibly understand.

And lots of people who are not trans get surgery to make their body more acceptable to themselves. Breast reduction/enhancement, nose jobs, teeth etc.

The psychological benefits are in some cases lifesaving.

Unless you have been in this position you cannot possibly understand.

I'm in that position, and in my case, it's clearly a mental issue. Which means that in a better world, the first - and only - path to "treating" it would not have been, "Get body parts chopped off and the rest of your body messed with with hormones", but psychological help to accept the dissonance within me. I have zero regrets, but in hindsight, I'm shocked that all this was presented as such an obvious and blithely path.

In what way was her mother abusive? Is she your sister or her father your brother? Perhaps the other parent is struggling with this and afraid to talk to relatives for fear of being labelled transphobic or abusive due to the mothers influence?

could you gently reach out with some light concerns to see if they respond with relief?

ultimately your niece is 19 and can do what she wants but she needs to be gently reminded by those who love her that she doesn’t control the perception and belief/non-belief of others. Many people she will encounter in life (and the law) don’t believe she is really a man and they are entitled to hold that view. she needs prepared for that.
whilst you might call her Jim you still believe in single sex spaces etc.

@Seethlaw surgery isn’t for everyone. I know trans people who don’t take hormones and haven’t had surgery.

I don't understand why it's anymore complicated than this. Just seems to op has taken a moral stance on refering to her niece as a boy and is making that the issue.

I know that. Surgery and taking hormones is what we are discussing, though.

But that's the key issue isn't it.

Simple name change, no problem.

But the expectation, if you are to 'affirm' is that you go along with the pretence that you see them as the other sex. You can try to side step that by not directly referring to it/avoiding pronouns, but the OP will need to be constantly on the alert to keep her actual view under wraps.

Isn’t that just semantics though?

if you’re willing to call them he/him then isn’t it a bit irrelevant? You can think of him as you like in your head. Just be respectful of their choice of pronouns and you’ll be fine

In language the meaning of a word is not a matter for personal choice.

What sort of privilege is conferred on a trans person that it is rude for anyone else to not use their ‘preferred’ so called ‘pronoun’ [referring to their acquired gender as in social stereotype associated with one of the sexes rather than their actual sex], but not rude for them to commandeer and change a language for their own narcissistic demand and performance?

This is such a helpful answer in my opinion OP.

@ScrollingLeaves how have trans people (which you seem to be testing as a single entity rather than individuals) ‘commandeered’ language?

Language evolves. People develop vocabulary to express concepts when the existing language isn’t providing that expression.

It doesn’t evolve to the point that up now means down, left means right, blue means red, just because it’s suits you or makes one feel more comfortable.

What’s the saying, you can have your own opinions you can’t have your own facts.

@AccidentallyWesAnderson examples?

But you’re deadnaming him, referring to the gender they do not identify with - that’s the polar opposite of supporting your transgender nephew. I know it’s a hard one to get used to etc, but starting by using the preferred pronoun is a great start. Suicide, self harm etc is high among the trans community, so it is harder for him than you. Transman/trans boy is - I believe - fine. I fully recommend watching/reading Heartstopper to better understand how teens think more openly now than our generation(s) ever did.

(Edited for kindness - I got my initial response wrong)

It's incredibly abusive for adults to make her think she's anything but a girl who wants to present to the world as masculine.

There's a similar situation in my family. It's hard. Like you, I live in another country from my niece, so I don't have to deal with it more than a couple of times a year.

I worry about the future health of my young relative. All those artificial hormones are very bad for human, sexed bodies.

@RudolphTheReindeer Gender neutral clothing wouldn't be cut for a man's or woman's body shape.

Yes it would, because men and women do have different body shapes, and it is incorrect for you to think otherwise. If clothing was not cut specifically for men or women, then it would be useless because it wouldn't fit anyone.

If I wear a shirt that is cut to fit my male body, it's still a gender-neutral item of clothing because women can also wear shirts. I don't wear "male-coded clothing" because there is no such thing. Everything I wear is gender-neutral. I have no idea what "gender-coded" clothing is and the concept of selecting clothes based on my reproductive organs sounds so utterly bizarre.

More than likely.

'Unisex' things are often cut for men/boys. My petite curvy DD couldn't get overalls for college that fitted in any way shape or form.

But then what does 'gender neutral' clothing mean? Does it just mean 'doesn't conform to traditional stereotypes wrt colour and pattern'?

"Trans women are women", which commandeers the concept of women to the profit of some men.

Band shirts are often called unisex but clearly for men

@TeenToTwenties But then what does 'gender neutral' clothing mean? Does it just mean 'doesn't conform to traditional stereotypes wrt colour and pattern'?

Clothing that can be worn by anyone. Anyone can wear trousers, shirts, or sweaters. As I already explained, I have never chosen clothes on the basis of my biological sex. Why would I do that? Why would that ever be a basis for choosing clothes? That's such a strange and bizarre idea. Do you do that? Why would anyone do that?

I have to wonder what you look like, that clothes cut for men and clothes cut for women all fit the same on you...

@Seethlaw I have to wonder what you look like, that clothes cut for men and clothes cut for women all fit the same on you...

I just explained that different clothes being cut for men and women doesn't mean clothes aren't gender neutral.

That's like saying that clothes are an age-specific item of clothing because a coat for a 30 year old man is much bigger than a coat for a 5 year old. What you are saying makes no sense.

I personally generally find that women's clothing fit my female body better because they are cut to accommodate bust and hips in the way that men's clothing generally isn't.
Often with men's or 'unisex' things that fit in the chest or hips are then too long in the arm or body or just fit 'wrong' because the cut isn't there. Shapeless things like hoodies don't matter so much but most other things do.

"If clothing was not cut specifically for men or women, then it would be useless because it wouldn't fit anyone. If I wear a shirt that is cut to fit my male body, it's still a gender-neutral item of clothing because women can also wear shirts."