AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

This woman is not going to change.
But l would try and suggest that someone broaches the subject of possible future planning.

I'll. health, care home fees
Making a.Will. Prepaid Funeral.Plan etc.

Just make you are not landed with all.of this. Either in terms of getting it sorted out or financially

As for the two sons still living at home. They sound like an absolute car crash. Can't even wipe to their botties.
Poor things.

Step way from this. Don't waste anymore time
And concentrate on your own life and family.

Where you are wrong is in seeing the mum as a resource. Because sons 2 &3 are exploiting their mum you think it’s unfair that son 1 isn’t getting his fair share of the resource exploitation going on.

No one should be exploiting that woman. If she won’t kick her lazy sons out that’s on her but I don’t think son 1 not getting his fair share is the issue here.

Well if you needed childcare, why doesn't FIL do it? Why is FIL giving the same to all sons when he knows there's a discrepancy and you were in dire straits enough to lose your home? In those circumstances I'd by pass my children and be buying my GC's school uniform etc (which I do). It's back to that discussion around childcare expectations on older women. Your MIL is living the life she wants and spending her money on what she wants. Her two sons will stay in the house and if lucky, your children might eventually get something. You'd be stupid to do care. I don't agree with what she's doing. I give nothing financially to my eldest though, she's well sorted and there's been a real need to help my two youngest. I have helped practically.

Yes it's unfair. We have been in a similar scenario however I am just grateful for the life I have and would in no way want to swap with my BIL who has failed to thrive (and he is mid 50s). Just appreciate what you have and try not to compare, it's your MILs decision to make how she wants to support her sons and she had made it, as frustrating as it is.

I would be grateful that I was with son no.1 and not one of his brothers. You have a good life and meanwhile the other two are living with and off their mother. Concentrate on your life and family, continue to help your MIL when you can but don’t concern yourself with two manchildren and her enabling them.

Agree with this ⬆️

Similar situation over here. Dm wont stop funding db because she worries what will happen to him if he doesnt whilst the rest of us get up for work every morning and go through ups and downs.

I think you should be prepared for the time when your MIL dies and the house is either left to sons 2 and 3 (because son 1 is "doing OK" as he has a job and wife and place of his own and so "doesn't need help") or split between the sons , but with sons 2 and 3 allowed to stay in the house until they die.

I'm sorry that things are as they are, and yes I agree that some of your comments did sound more about concern for you and son 1 rather than concern for MIL (the wishing she could have done some childcare) but I can also imagine that it can't be easy to be the bigger person all the time and not to feel a little twinge of "why don't I get some of that"as for a child, what your parents do for you is indirectly /feels like an expression of the love they have for you.

Draw your own boundaries, focus on supporting MIL to think about her won financial choices (when she retires what will happen when she has less money?), what's important to you and what you would be willing to do or not do. For example if MIL moved in with you, but sons 2 and 3 are still in the house, then effectively son 1 will be subsidising them, so that might be a boundary that you draw - if MIL needs care from you, then she needs to sell the house and move in with you (although don't be surprised if house sale proceeds is split between sons 2 and 3)

It’s the same situation in my family except one daughter and one son. Daughter moved out at 18 for university and never went back. Had her own and is financially independent. Son lives at home and parents do all food shopping, bills etc. nothing will ever change

I’m a bit shocked that 3 fully grown men are expecting to be “treated” by their mother. Who’s treating her, who’s looking after her?
Again another grabby post about what a MIL is not doing to help grown ass men.
I feel this generation are really struggling with the concept of being independent.
Grown up children living at home making very little contribution either in terms of money or household chore. It’s pathetic really, it’s not healthy that 2 men live at home whilst the third has his hand out thinking what about me but it’s become a very usual thing. Next they’ll be demanding an early inheritance to “help” their mum avoid tax and calling her selfish for wanting some financial security.

The main thing about this situation is, your husband should be proud that he has escaped her undermining parenting. He has made a success of his life. His brothers are total flops.

Yes, his mum is annoying, but the great news is that he is not tethered to her in any way, not dependent on her. It doesn’t sound like she’s ever going to change, so you can live and let live, it’s not your problem. Don’t hope for childcare or gifts, they’re not really on the table, it’s just how it is. And stand up for yourselves, like when you refused to do BIL’s washing. Only give what you feel good about giving. And don’t second guess the future or worry about it too much. If at some point she needs care, it sounds to me like those brothers will be living in the house and it will become their problem. Either they look after her themselves, or they pull their fingers out and actually do something.

She may say she wants to downsize, but her actions say something different. Believe her and leave her to it. She has made her own choices.

Obviously it’s disappointing for your husband to feel overlooked by his mother, but the best thing he can do about that now is move on and let it go.

I doubt she has time to step back and think about fairness, she probably thinks DH is happier and doing better than his brothers. She also probably thinks you are taking care of him and brothers have nobody, so she's filling the gaps.

It's terrible parenting but comes from a place of concern rather than favouritism.

OP- I have been in a similar situation to your DH. My parents believed that they were 'helping' each child according to need and I simply didn't need anything as I was lucky enough to be able to manage independently. They didn't see that they were actually enabling my siblings to have an easy life with no need to think about any stressful/boring adulting stuff at the expense of parents' own lives and future stability.
The conversation I wish I had with my parents, if they would have listened, would have been to ask them to seriously consider:

• what their financial plans are for retirement and/or any future care given that they are spending £££ supporting adults who could support themselves with a bit of effort
• are they getting what they really want out of life? Is this stopping them having the time or money to do things they enjoy/keep a social life/have hobbies etc
• what do they think will happen to siblings if/when parents are not longer able to do everything for them/pay for everything? What happens to siblings when parents die?
• how will siblings manage financially if they later decide they want a home of their own/children etc? Wouldn't they be better off building up a career and some savings of their own even if they stay living with parents?

My DM is now alone, elderly and needs care. I have recently found out that she has very little money and took out loans etc to allow her to continue supporting sibling after parents retired. Sibling did leave home in his 40s and had a child later in life so mum had been continuing to support him financially and practically. Mum does not have many friends, since she spent most of her time running around after siblings and was too busy for hobby groups/meeting friends etc. It has become clear that sibling hadn't considered that mum would not be able to do this for ever and is now clearly expecting that I will do anything difficult/time consuming to help with mum's care. He also seems to expect that I will step in to mum's shoes and help him. He does not want her to pay for any care, or to sell her house because he had clearly always assumed he would have an inheritance to fall back on. It's very obvious that they both consider that I now have an 'easy life' so it's only right that I help them. Your MIL may well not listen to your DH, but my advice is that you and your DH should prepare yourselves for what you are willing to do if/when your MIL is not able to keep this up and needs help herself.

Mil will want the 2 sons out but she’ll be conflicted because she’ll feel that it’s their home - you hear people saying this on MN all the time.
How would you have felt had she invited your dh on holiday but not you and the kids? I doubt that would be acceptable, does she have friends she could on on holiday with? She doesn’t sound like she has a lot of money but you think despite the burden of her two infantilised sons, to be fair she should be further burdened by giving your dh a hand out too. In my view your dh should live life according to his values - does he want to love and care for his mum or bled her dry like his siblings?

OP, why are you not going LC with this woman? You say if your DH phones up, she will ask him to do some DIY - his response should be that the brothers who are living with her can do it. I absolutely would not be thinking about care for her - if she has two resident children, let them look after the mother they’ve freeloaded off for so long. I can only think that when DMIL dies, that her boys will be expecting to carry on living there - so unfortunately, that will turn into another bone of contention between the brothers. At the moment, I’m sure MIL likes the company from her DSs - and it sounds as though she is only too happy to fund their life style and provide a hotel service for them. One day, though, they’ll have to shift for themselves, and I dare say it will come as a bit of a shock for them. If MIL doesn’t ever babysit or take much interest in her DGC, I really don’t see what you’re getting out of this relationship. I’d let DH visit on his own, and would gradually withdraw from the situation.

I have two adult dc both with their own 2 dc and what I spend on each of them is my business and no other fuckers

Dh’s siblings were counting on an inheritance to help their adult child buy a property. Adult children who have lived at home into their 30’s and show no signs of independence. There will be no inheritance as MIL has now run out of money and is releasing equity to enable her to stay at home. I think all this inheritance planning (giving money to kids) to avoid paying tax will leave elderly people with limited choices. I think taking money from elderly parents is a shameful thing to do.

Hi op of course this unfair but I would say as a mother if kids are at home they tend to get more because they are under the same roof. What I would say is you don’t step for care in the future she’s enabling her kids to be lazy sods so that’s on her and as for her paying out for something her lazy sons could do is also on her. She is babying them maybe she sees son 1 as has his life is sorted and he needs nothing from her. It’s not about money it’s about fairness like she could invite you all for a takeaway now and then but also be grateful that your dh is a proper grown up and yes anyone can resent them not working and gaming like teenagers but you are away from the situation and everything you have is through hard work and it’s yours. Definitely do not take up anything for her she has the sons at home so they can repay her. Your son shouldn’t feel obliged especially as they are already there. Lazy fuckers god help any woman or man who ends up with these babies still tied to their mother.

I think yanbu op. Not at all. And I think a lot of the responses you’ve had on this thread are really weird. People determined to believe you are just wanting her money and that they would be totally fine with this situation if they were you. I’m going to assume that actually…… if those people were you….. they would be thinking exactly as you are.

The only thing that your DH can do is talk to his Mum about whether she's happy and doing what she wants to do with her retirement.

My concern would be that she feels emotionally trapped by her younger sons and believes that she "can't" downsize/withdraw financial support as @Starbright102's Mum also feels. If she's happy with the situation, so be it (even if it's unfair).

My DH's parents (mid-80)'s do alot of physical chores for one of his sisters. All DH can do is remind them to look after themselves and not compromise their safety - like going up on high ladders to clean leaves out of her gutters.