AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

Up to her. I wouldnt do it. But neither would I I look after grandchildren for nothing while parents rake it in. But plenty of people do.

She did gives the age range of the 3 in the 1st post.

Well when she does need care and funding sons 2 and 3 can look after her clearly. She’s still fully funding and looking after them in their 30’s.

Id expect no inheritance. I’d just make sure I was always a step back and wouldn’t be going out of my way to help her. She’s got two fit and healthy men at home.

Would your DH rather have their lives? If he would I guess he could give up his job, move home and play video games all day.

It sounds a pretty sad existence to be honest and I think the Mum is doing them a real disservice.

Honestly I think it’s a situation where you just have to look past it. Your husband is the one who is independent, has built a life for himself, I’d rather be him than either of his brothers long term.

My husband and BIL are the same though. We bought our house, had our kids, both have good jobs, BIL still unemployed at nearly 40 living at home like he’s 16, Xbox all day & beer all night… it’s icky, but up to her. If she’s happy to continue like this then that is her call.

Your husband needs to talk to his brothers about them being gross little man children who can't even be arsed to mow their mothers, and their lawn, seeing as they live there. This is ridiculous, have they no self respect?! They are in their 30's! I can understand if they are struggling to find work that they might need help with a roof over their head, but if they are not even trying, or even helping with things they can do. What awful people.

Your MIL also needs to toughen up and get them off their arses to at least help around the house with manual labour jobs, and to stop taking them out for their dinner! I'd be so embarrassed to be them or the mother of them.

However, as unfair as it might seem I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to also put aside an equal amount of money to compensate for the 2 babies she still cares for. She needs to sort out the problem of the younger two, not also add to her financial woes by saving something for your husband.

She and your husband need to have strong words with them, she needs to stop doing everything apart from a roof over their heads and food for the household until they get jobs. Then she might get to enjoy her grandchildren and spend happy time with you an your husband.

I imagine your MIL is happy with the status quo, or it would surely be changed?

Most people won’t continue with a situation, long term, that doesn’t serve them in some way.

In this case, maybe the likes the company at home and the caring responsibilities and perhaps she sees paying for restaurants as the cost of companionship so she can eat at places she wants to?

It’s not ideal, looking in - but might explain why she feels no redress is due to your husband?

I don't think she should be putting money aside for son1.
But I do think she should be getting rid of the scroungers and living her own life.
They need a kick up the arse tbf

It's not fair but here's the neat thing: life is not fair. If she is fine with her sons living off her parasitically that is her decision.

YANBU, based on I would never treat my children so differently and if I was heavily subsiding the lives of 2dc, I would want to even it out with the other one. Either I would take my son and family out for dinner or day out etc, or if I didn't have time, give them some money to treat themselves eg in the summer hols. I can see some parent would see if differently (as clearly she does) and think your DH is settled and has his own family unit, so doesn't need support, but personally I would want want to treat him and family.

I think instead of focussing in fairness you and dh should ask yourselves which of the three men has the better life really. I think there’s no question it’s son 1 and that if anything I’d pity sins 2 and 3 not envy them.
the only concern you and your dh should have is supporting his mum if she decides she wants to assert her own rights a bit more.

Just because your MIL is making unreasonably large sacrifices for two of her sons, doesn't mean she also needs to make them for your DH. Wouldn't that be worsening the injustice rather than reducing it?

Also, perhaps she is happy having them live with her and the way she is doing it is what comes naturally for her? Sharing your home on a generous basis and paying out cash to an absent son are different things.

Presumably if your DH was living at home she would treat him as she does his siblings? In that sense there is equality. He made different choices, though, so he doesn't get the (rather stultifying and limiting) lifestyle that she would otherwise facilitate.

Well IF they manage to find a partner it won't last long as there are very few women (in general) who would put up with this bullshit and she is doing them no favours in the long run. You live your life with your family and if I were you I would distance myself as they will do nothing for her as she gets older and it will fall on you and your DH to care for her.
Could your DH not have very strong words with his brothers?

She's got not 1 but 2 Mama's boys who are failure to launches. I wouldn't envy them their life as overgrown children. I also would never do anything to facilitate them either.

What does your husband think about this situation with his mum and his two brothers? Is he resentful? I presume that your MIL is pretty well off if she can afford to subsidise her non-working sons and treat them to holidays etc.

It also appears that she shows very little interest in your children. This situation would probably piss me off with its unfairness and the pandering to the two younger brothers while pretty much ignoring your DH and his family.

This isn’t good enough!

So what if son 1 has his integrity and self-respect, he’s earned that himself. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t need his mother’s help and to feel fairly treated by her, to be shown equal love and respect. Not to feel fairly treated and constantly told, oh well you have your integrity and self-respect like that’s all a human needs, is damaging to someone’s mental wellbeing.

I absolutely hate when those who are suffering from unfairness be portrayed as the problem when they’ve reacted to being treated unfairly. Those parents who choose to treat their adult children unfairly and expect the unfairness to just be accepted quietly, are the real problem. However, it’s usually the siblings that fall out rather than honing in on the person who has actually caused the hurt.

Look I see your point. But more of a frustration of failure to launch for the other brothers. She’s not doing them any favours and I’d much rather be brother 1…

that said I don’t think this is a fairness issue to MIL. She’s obviously decided they need this support (who knows if they do…). And this isn’t really something for you as DIL, to be outraged over, fundamentally it’s her money.

This is just the way some families are in my experience. You can either choose to dwell on the disparity (and become increasingly annoyed and bitter about it), or you can acknowledge it but realise there’s nothing you can do to change it and if you still want to have a relationship with MIL, you need to be the bigger person as it were and focus on the positives that the relationship brings. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

The icing on the cake will come later, they’ll be left her house with life-time residency. OPs DHs name will be added to the Will but will not be able to access his share - token gesture!

Is it "fair"? No...
But life isn't fair.

I mean would your dh want to swap lives? Presumably no.... I certainly dont envy them.

Whatever is going on your mil is clearly some kind of need met by this arrangement hence it continues...

I think your husband would be within his rights to call his dbs to task and tell them if thry want to mooch off of mamma (phrase it more politely) thats fine bit the bare minimum they could do is give her £100 pw housekeeping, wash and dry their own clothes, tidy up after themselves and help her with the garden.

I also fully expect this to happen....
The icing on the cake will come later, they’ll be left her house with life-time residency. OPs DHs name will be added to the Will but will not be able to access his share

Your dh still has the better life imo..when mil dies the other 2 will struggle in an adult world.

Have you spoken to MIL about this?

Wild that not living in your mother's house when you are pushing 40 is considered to be an "absent son". But okay sure

If I had a choice I'd rather be the first one.

Ime some dm's can't let go of their ds's..