AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

They're not children, they're adults. Your husband has his own family now with you and your DC. The younger siblings do not, they're still with their mother so that is still it's own family unit. If your DH thinks the grass is greener, he could quit his job and leave you to move back in with his mum. I'm guessing he won't, as surely he sees that he has a much better life than his siblings.

Well , yes , all the strength is going to his over active Gamer Thumbs .

Pulling the power cable out would've stopped him.
Very rude to play any games let alone 18+when there's young children about

I mean he could divorce you and move back home. That way he can get looked after too.

Unfortunately, like a lot of other threads that I have read on here, the non-favoured son (scapegoat) is often the one that is expected to provide help and support to his ageing parent(s), while the golden siblings are pampered and let off the hook for providing any sort of help at all.

You are being wise to make sure that your husband knows that you will categorically refuse to provide any sort of care to his mother. The fact that she asked you to hang out her son's washing when you were visiting is clear evidence that she only values you for what you can do for her and her two useless sons.

How do you know she's not putting an equivalent amount aside for your dh?

Agree. I think OPs focus on here needs to be on asserting boundaries and creating distance, rather than the money side.

I assumed from the first paragraph you were looking for advice to help the mother but seems you just want to exploit her too.

Greedy and shameful.

As an outsider looking in I would assume the 2 younger sons do have some sort of disability. At mid 30s they should be functioning members of society - working & if unable to afford their own homes, at least making a contribution to bills to their DM. This is a complete failure to launch and an awful set up for their futures. No job/career. No independence. No relationships. Wholly dependent on their mother’s generosity.

They both sound absolutely pathetic. And the mother is stupid for enabling it all. Just be grateful you’re married to son 1 and neither of the two morons. You and DH will be the winners in the long run.

I wouldn’t even give it a second thought other than to be grateful I wasn’t the sad loser still living with mummy in his 30s.

No, the amount of effort the mother puts into her adult sons is unequal. But who would want to be those two at home instead of a proper adult? I know I wouldn’t.

I largely moved out at 17, though I’ve not been without financial support from my family as an adult. I have a family member (not my sister, so no jealousy there) who in her early 30s still lives in a shed in her parents garden. She’s now pregnant (partner also stays there) and presumably the baby will be living there too. It’s a nice shed! Like a big summer house, but still it’s a shed in her parents’ garden. I know who I’d rather be!

But you are looking for money. The bulk of your OP is about how she should be putting aside money for your DH.

Just shows how different children can be, and some will say she's good mum, because your husband has a job and is happily (I hope) married, others will say she's failed with them, yet others will say the economy/zeitgeist changed between the brothers, and nobody will blame the father of the boys in any way.

It was obvious you were sin 1s wife and just want a share of the money. You show no concern for this mother having to cope with her sons being the way they are. What do you expect her to do? If there was a way to make her sons independent and successful she’d probably do it but life isn’t that simple.

Does she not even spend money on her eldest son’s family through her grandchildren?

DH and I have actually done so much for MIL which I won't go into here because it would definitely be outing, but we have done a huge amount for her including care especially before we had kids (I'm pleased to say this did not include hanging out BILs washing as I definitely said no to that). So thinking back to that time its very clear what would happen if she needed care, she would move in with us and the BILs would stay in her house with her credit card and live off takeaways while the house goes to ruin. Not doing that again.

Thanks for your thoughts and opinions. Will speak to DH about checking in again with his mum to see how she feels with the situation (I imagine her response will be ask him to come and do some DIY for her). Them staying in the house after she dies hadn't occurred to me at all but it does make sense and seem likely. We actually know someone else who this happened to and it caused a big family feud which was very sad indeed so hopefully the feud can be avoided at least.

Unfortunately some mothers allow there adult kids to become totally dependant on them. It means they never really grow up, learn to take responsibility and often become very entiled and spoilt. I have witnessed this situation in dh family. Its not fair on those adult children who are left to manage everything without helping nor is it fair on those adult children that effectively become overgrown mollycoddled children.

It's her money. If you are married to son 1 then you are doing the most unpleasant thing here, spending your MiL's money before she is dead and also assuming you are going to get any of it.
Son1 is independent and doing ok. Sons 2 and 3 are going to get a monumental shock coming fairly soon when mum ceases to be able to look after them and they have to either look after her or sell the house to pay for care. And then where will they be? Whereas son 1 has provided for himself and has a family and will progress as time goes on. He should feel sorry for his brothers.

Yeah, they're never going to let her downsize, they've got it too cushy to let that happen. What will probably end up happening eventually is if the mother's will splits the house 3 ways, they won't be able to buy your husband out because the will have spent their entire adult life being bums, and hqve no money. Instead, they will try to guilt him into letting them keep the house. The question is, why do some women do this? It seems to be a thing with the mothers of boys, more than girls, this failure to launch. I'd hate to see my children wasting their lives like that. Playing video games and mooching off their pensioner mother. What a waste of a life. Why aren't they embarrassed?

Not really, I set out the situation and then I said :
"I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. "

I just said what I would do in that situation and asked if I was taking fairness between siblings too far? And I said it would be preferable to pull back on the financial support for the other sons instead of doing that.

As a mother myself I cant imagine treating my children so differently so I have to say I do find it baffling. If I paid for 2 out of 3 of my children to come on holiday with me the thought of leaving one out would keep me up at night for a very long time.

I see where you’re coming from, OP. My dad would never treat his children so unequally.

You are jealous a pair of nearly 40 year old men who are sat around posting pictures of a takeaway mummy bought for them on social media. Just think about that for a moment.

You have my total sympathy; I agree it is unfair and horrid. I don't understand the people on here not feeling like this. I think your husband needs to tell her how it makes him feel and then pull away. The ball is in her court.

Your husband and you are enabling her and your BIL's enmeshment.

Stop doing things. She's going to have to hire them done. Does it give her less to spend on her overgrown babies? Yeah. So what.

She could get them out if she really wanted. You could stop facilitating her. Your husband wants to go, fine. He's a grown man. But martyring himself to enable this enmeshed failure to launch setup is stupid.

You'd better make it clear you're not going to be her carer and the bros are NOT going to be living with you ever. Your husband won't see a dime. She's infantilized two kids and the consequences of that are her problem.

Leave them to it and prioritize your own family.

But you do know that you can refuse to let your MIL move in with you if she needs care? Your DH sounds very passive and under her thumb and I think you will have problems if she expects to move in. Tell him that you won't allow that to happen.

It's her money, she can do what she likes with it.

Why do you think you have any say in how 3 other people organise their own lives?

I'd say she's treating the other 2 poorly and your DH is the lucky one. What a stunted life for two men to be living at home playing video games instead of having an independent life.