AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

I can see why you don’t think this is fair. Any post like yours gets flack. But she may like the fact that she isn’t alone and be in no hurry for them to move out and wants to treat the family that live with her. I hope she isn’t banking on getting care from them though - in my experience if these men haven’t learned to look after themselves by their 30s they are not likely to step up and look after her.

I get it. Me and DH live a life of our own and have our family, mortgage, bills etc like most people. His adult siblings live with the mother who pays for everything for them, even washes their clothes for them and enables their laziness! It's astounding how a mother can still pander to her children that are grown adults and not push them to flourish. Yes financially they are receiving more in theory, I agree with you because they have their food and share towards the household bills all paid for. However, they live in a small world and are wasting their lives, and that's a huge shame.

Idk why everyone is saying 'would you rather be (married to) one of the other 2 sons', OP is in no way trying to imply that or draw that comparison. She is stating that 1st DS has actually done well for himself and his mother should be providing support for him to help facilitate his success, as most parents do for their kids. Not just 'he has moved out and he's fine, so fuck him'. He has struggled in life and would have needed support during that time, support that she could have provided had she not been too busy raising 2 adult teenage boys.

Now, the 2 sons living at home are their own problem. The mother here is making them her problem by allowing them to use her as a free hotel. I think, as a PP stated, some mothers struggle to let go of their sons. It seems as if she is a single parent and as such I can understand why she is like this (loneliness, needing a purpose, fulfilling maternal instincts, etc). As it has been 13 years, they are also just used to this arrangement and probably not particularly conscious of how strange and unfair it is.

I can understand completely why OP and her DH are annoyed about this. Of course you would be. Your DH works hard for his own life and family while having to watch his 2 brothers on holidays that their mum paid for while he struggles financially and his mum turns a blind eye. Who wouldn't be pissed off. Its quite contradictory to suggest that she thinks he is an adult and can sort himself out, while fully catering for the lives of her 2 other adult sons.

What would be fair, and right, would be for the DM to grow a backbone and tell them thay they both need to leave and start their own lives independently, as individuals. This would be the most caring thing to do, since when she dies they will otherwise be fucked; or just live off of their inheritance for as long as they can, which I'm assuming will all go to them 2 by the looks of it.

However, it doesn't seem she has any intention of doing this and there's nothing you can do about it OP. I'm not sure if you were looking for advice or just seeing if you have a right to be annoyed or not. I think you do. I would also be annoyed, but would relish in knowing that my DH is not one of his brothers, and actually made something of his life; not sat in his mums back room playing video games and eating takeaways paid for by mummy every other night. Be proud of him, focus on your family. Giving more headspace to this is simply a waste of time.

I think it’s just the way it is sometimes. One of my brothers still lives at home, and it’s the same, he pays no rent, has his meals cooked clothes washed for him etc. My other siblings who do not live at home have all had hand outs over the years, I’ve never had a penny - I’ve worked since I was a young teenager and have paid for everything since then, my own driving lessons, school trips, paid my way through uni etc. It’s a bit different to your situation as my husband and I don’t need help financially as we are pretty comfortable, I don’t care about the money but do sometimes feel a bit put out about how much general support the others get and how much more time they spend with them.

Similar situation in my extended family; mother favoured one son who has never moved out, is lazy and mean. Meanwhile, the other son left home as a teen, with my grandmother helping to raise him, give him financial help when he had a family, etc. It’s backfired on this mother though, as she’s now elderly and frail, has a useless son at home, is distant from the other and now relies on my mum for help.

I agree OP, it’s not necessarily about wanting or needing the support but about not understanding how a mother can treat their children so differently and that lack of support probably being a representation of favouritism. I’d check with her again to see if she’s unhappy with the situation but if she’s not, make sure you focus on yourselves and tell her to direct all requests for help back to the other two sons.

If I was mum in this case no I think I wouldn’t be saving for son 1, I’d be figuring out where I’d gone wrong with 2 and 3 so I could have my own money back!! Sorry op, but nobody thinks of the person who stands on their own two feet- they count themselves lucky that that person was able to. Probably not fair but then not fair that after raising 3 kids she can’t just enjoy her own money!

It's company for her though. One of her sons left her for his own life and start his own family.

The other 2 live with her, depend on her, need her and thus in a fucked up way, give her a sense of purpose and starve off loneliness and fear of growing old all alone and being alone.

She doesn't want them to leave - otherwise she would have done something earlier. She isn't paying them, she's paying to keep them.

Very sad but probably not the financial discrepancy or favourtism in the way you view it.

Your husband doesn't need her.

OP, yanbu.
You need to make it 100% clear to your husband that you will not be in any way involved with his mothers care.

Your husband would be a cheeky fxxker to even suggest it.

I also think I would be stepping back.

Your MIL has allowed this.
She has fostered this situation and so it has gone on.

I wouldn't be near it.
I would make it very clear that his shit show family is his, and I wouldn't hesitate to make it clear to his mother either.

I have two friends who were in this situation and they very rightly pushed back.

His mother and father never were involved at all with them and lived their lives busy with his other two brothers. When my friend retired from nursing she was approached for help, even her husband thought she might have time.
She told them all firmly to go to hell. She had juggled for years and they had kept their clear boundaries and she had no intention of now being used.

My other friend was widowed and recently retired. She too was a medic. Her late husbands family never bothered with her for 7 years after his passing, but when her inlaws suddenly needed help and she lived nearby, she was contacted as family to become part of their "support rota".

She texted back "thanks for thinking of me, but too busy".

She then blocked the number.

Male entitlement. Don't entertain it.

For me it’s less about “fairness” and more about checking in she doesn’t feel taken advantage of. I cannot imagine having grown children and being delighted with having their washing to hang up. Check in with MIL and see what she feels.

To add, as a mother, I don't understand how she can keep enabling this behaviour in her children and not worry about what will happen to them when she passes away. How will they know how to function as adults in the world and wash their own pants?! It's a very unhealthy co dependency situation.

How she chooses to live & spend her money it entirely up to her. Unfair? Only unfair bit is on her. No help or ££ from two sons old enough to know better. But, what she allows will continue.

i think it's pretty obvious!

I’d be absolutely fuming if my DIL wrote such a post.

Had a similar situation, sister spent her whole life with parents, even had a child and came back to them after pretending she'd be independent. (Both middle aged now).

Her plan was to put her name on everything and eventually she did. Father died, then mother, all the inheritance vanished, and eventually I discovered she had two properties bought for her over the years. Mom claimed they were renting but instead she had bought the villa in sisters name and other properties. How painful she didn't care of me.

I'm still renting.

It's awful but I was the type that didn't want to depend on this sort of emotional blackmail to have a power on me. I'd never accept to be treated like a child. She hated me for this, hated my husband, my freedom. shed never do anything for me because I refused to be linked to her and put my personal life aside, like sister did.

Eventually I think my mental sanity is safe because I wouldn't accept that kind of relationship based on control through money and favours.

If your husband was like them he'd probably receive the same treatment, but possibly he'd be a grownup child with no life of his own.

Honestly I think it's better to invest in building the best life for yourselves as a family rather than envying this dysfunctional dynamics.

Trust me, there is a price to pay, and the prize is freedom and independence.

You wouldn’t question babying two of your adult children while watching one struggle?

Instead you’d be angry your dil posted your sons feelings.

sounds about right I guess.

Mum is a mug and sons 2 & 3 are taking the piss! Mum continues to be a mug and doormat and continues to allow sons 2 & 3 to take the piss.
Mum needs to wake up and tell sons 2 & 3 to contribute significantly to the household expenses, contribute to the household chores and assist in maintaining the house. Mum needs to inform sons 2&3 that she will not longer be paying for meals out or spending any further money on them.
Watch sons 2 & 3 head for the door as they find a place of their own!
Mum has finally woken up and completed her job, as her free loading grifters have finally flown the nest.
Well done mum!

Son 1 has his own family at home. Sons 2 and 3 are still her family at home. If she wants to go for a meal every week with the people she lives with and who keep her company then she can. If she wants to pay all the bills for her household she can. She doesn't need to give her first son cash to 'make things fair'.

My local sibling to my parents is treated more than me who lives far away..it’s just circumstances and doesn’t occur to me to think there should be any equalisation. It may be your DHs Mum feels immeasurably safer with 2 sons in her home or has company or WHATEVER it’s her life, her resources

I would feel proud to be the son standing on my own feet and not relying on mummy to help me .

wouldn’t be thinking about the fairness of it all - just proud that I had my own affairs sorted and supporting my own family and was my own self made man .

couldn’t care less what my brothers were doing - as I would just care that I was doing ok and had my affairs under control.

comparison is the thief of joy.

Leave her alone. It's her money to do as she pleases with. That she's keeping sons 2 and 3 as kids/dependants is entirely her business.

You're clearly the wife of son 1, and you feel entitled to MIL's cash. Grabby.

I imagine if son 1 moved back home, mum would do the same for him as she is doing for sons 2 and 3.
They are behaving like teenagers though. Living with parents to save for a house deposit makes sense. What they are doing doesn't.

Aside from the financial aspect, has the MIL ever invited OP’s DH and family on any of these holidays or round for one of the many takeaways? When was the last time she had her grandkids or is she too busy washing her adult sons’ pants? Unless there’s some backstory about a major falling out or them never having got on, the mother is fundamentally wrong for treating her sons differently to this extent.

I’ve seen that sort of thing playing out with my mum and her siblings.
All of her siblings have, at some point, moved back with my gran, received money, some much more than others.

My mum has always found it really hard because she never received any help. But more to the point, being the oldest (like your dh!), the answer would have been a straight NO.
Interestingly, my mum has always been resentful towards my gran, her mum, more than her siblings

This cannot be won, there are two adult males who have trapped this woman in her own home and lifestyle - unless you want endless drama, don't start a fight

If son 1 is infact OPs husband she should be very greatful she got son 1 😅