AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

Your bils are absolute dossers but that doesn't mean that your mil owes you money or time. Assuming, that is just putting more upon her

This is a completely ridiculous situation tbh I’m quite surprised at a lot of the replies, of course you’re going to be pissed off having to be witness to this over the long term. The holiday thing is the most shocking really because she’s gone out of her way to pay and bring them on holiday and leave the other son out. The other stuff just sounds like she’s too passive

I don't think most of the examples you give come down to treating her three son's differently. Presumably your DH moved out rather than was thrown out and if he had stayed home he would have been treated the same as his brothers? Do you expect your MIL to do your DH's washing and prepare his meals, so she is treating the three son's equally?

I have read your comments @tusktusktusk but not the whole thread so apologies if I am repeating, but I suspect your MIL views this entirely differently to you. You see your DH being treated unfairly and missing out. I think she sees your DH as having a much happier and fulfilling life that she wishes her other two sons had, and she is probably trying to make up for this for them, rather than favouring them. Are you sure she was aware of the times when you could have done with her help? Unless you were really blunt with her she may the type who is so self-absorbed that she didn't see.

I think her actions are misguided and putting the Playstation in the bin and telling them both to get jobs and start washing their own pants would do them more good than doing everything for them and buying them takeaways, but it is unlikely she will see this. She is a mum who thinks the answer to everything lies in what she can do for them, without realising that the best thing she could do is to make them stand on their own feet.

I think you should encourage your DH to visit his mum and enjoy spending time with her, and try not to compare his situation with that of his brothers or, if he does, to realise how lucky he is out of the three of them.

I agree with you OP it does seem unfair, your MIL is enabling their laziness. You and your DH can be proud of what you have achieved and are setting a good example for your children.

This seems too far to me!
mmy sister moved out at 18,
I moved out at 20, my younger brother was almost 30…
I don’t think I’m ‘owed’ 10 years of compensation because my mum was washing my brothers clothes 10 years longer than she did mine 🙄🤣

Families are odd aren’t they.? Your BILs sound like absolute wastrels. God help any woman who drifts into their orbit because they’re going to be the type of men who will be complained about on here somewhere down the line. I’ve also been raised in a family with plenty of financial irregularities but how do you complain without it sounding about the “ money” when it’s about the “ principle”. In my case it was my younger brother and sister who’ve had big handouts probably totalling thousands. This has been for a variety of things… holidays, debts, home improvements… my brother was given £10k for a new bathroom for a house that he didn’t even own. My sister had horses and they built her a stable which ended up costing £30k. Both had cars for £10k each ( back in the 2000’s so not insignificant amounts ). During a similar time period when I was single and living London I bought my first car ( old Toyota ) and when I wanted to replace it I bought a family car from them for £2k ( list price ). Even recently at Christmas I was bought some No7 skincare and my sister was bought a Tiffany necklace. My mum said she didn’t want me to be upset but my sister doesn’t have a partner and I do. I’m not sure how I feel about it… I’m kind of over it. My sister has discussed it before and said “ would you turn it down if it was the other way around “ and I suppose I don’t know the answer to that. Anyway it’s not about the money so much as the sense that you don’t matter.

Your mistake may be assuming you know everything about the situation. You may not be told underlying issues or other pertinent information. The brothers are entitled to privacy. In any case, it's MIL's problem.
I suspect if your DH had stayed with his mother, he'd be getting the equality he seems to want. Would he really want that though? I'd rather be in his position.
I suggest just getting on with your own life and be proud of your family and achievements. Once I married, my sister got things I never did and it didn't occur to me to be upset about it. I was too busy living my own life and stopped worrying about everything having to be equal somewhere in my teens.
Your MIL is entitled to live her life her way and make her own choices. Chances are she enjoys the company of her sons at home.

I think by continuing to support her 2 and 3rd sons, she is also keeping them close. Maybe she is filling up lonliness and lack of purpose in her life through her support to them. Cooking, washing for them keeps her busy, gping to holidays and meals out gives her company while doing doing something nice. Of course, sons are benefiting in a superficial way but they are sacrificing/sabotaging a chance to have a fulfilling long term relationship or build a lovely family of their own.
I am sure OP wouldn't want her husband to be living in her MIL's house, getting his laundry done by her and playing videogames.

More fool her making life so easy for her sons that they never bother to grow up, get jobs and move out. She should be charging them and make them work around the house for their keep and most definitely not paying for holidays!

That’s what would annoy me (the letting them take advantage/not insisting they launch into adulthood) much more than the disparity in financial assistance because whilst they’re technically getting more, it still is preferable to have your own home and family than to be a drifter still living with mum in your mid 30s. Oldest son is winning at life compared to them.

“Will speak to DH about checking in again with his mum to see how she feels with the situation (I imagine her response will be ask him to come and do some DIY for her)”

At which point surely he will respond with something like “mum why don’t you ask brother’s name to do it as he’s here all the time and doesn’t have work and family responsibilities like I do”. If not then why is he prepared to be a pushover just like his mum?

Has he tried shaming his brothers? They should feel embarrassed.

Don't blame the woman for the men's strategic incompetence.

One thing is perfectly clear to me after reading this thread:
I’m happy this isn’t my family.

We were always taught, life isn’t fair, My dad was a millionaire.His stepkids , second marriage , had everything handed on a plate. House in London? No bother. Directorship in the business..all got that.. We from the first marriage got nothing, even in the will when he died.

It’s up to her. Her kids, her money, her choice. You live your lives for you. You’ll drive yourselves mad looking for fairness. No one is entitled to anyone else’s money .

The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

If I were DS1, I'd ask her if she still wants/hopes to do this and if that's the case, I'd support her to make it happen. Perhaps she's changed her mind, but she could also be feeling trapped by her sons.

You have a lovely family life. Keep in your own lane. Stop comparing. No parent owes their offspring childcare. The other two would not be attractive in terms of living with their Mum and gaming,for many women. No goals, no plans, no change. They will become conservative in ways and resentful. And your money and work is long term daily investment in your children and their welfare which is such a different path to single childless siblings. But yes they not do your Mum in law any favours by not helping do jobs in their home. She needs to down tools.

I feel bad for her honestly.
But in some ways she's absolutely enabling them.
I am mid 30's and live with my dad, always have, but thats because of illness and him being my carer. Everything i can possibly do for myself, I do, and all household expenses are split evenly as possible.

that is one messed up arrangement your MIL has got herself into. Two lazy men expecting a woman to pay for them and do their washing and pay for their treats. Awful. I don't blame your husband feeling bad about it.

To answer your original question, one of my three children (all in their 20s) still lives at home and so has more disposable cash than the two that have moved out. Entirely everyone's choice and she will move out soon enough but I am conscious of paying for groceries for the others if I go shopping with them - that I wouldn't do for her because she is already reaping a benefit. I couldn't imagine treating my children so unequally.

And is she not terribly worried about how those two lumps will manage if anything happens her? Is her ex (your FIL) not terribly worried about the way they live?

I presume your son would have got the same as them if he’d have chosen to stay living with his mum. Things are different because he has moved out and moved on.

I would make sure things were more even if it was me, but she doesn’t have to. Your husband chose to move out, get married, have children and live a different life to his brothers. It’s your MILs choice how she does things in her own house and I’m presuming your husband wouldn’t want to live a life like his brothers.

If your MIL has an issue then she needs to speak up. If your husband feels things are unfair, he can raise it and then react based on the outcome. If he doesn’t like it, thinks there is favouritism and unfairness, he can distance himself.

My MIL favoured my partners brothers in everything. Our kids got treated as lesser which was when we said enough is enough and reduced contact.

I think parents or inlaws relationship with other people are nine of my business it is not a competition no one owes anyone anything

The mum is making a rod for her own back. But it's her choice and her business. Fairness dosen't really come into it.

@tusktusktusk i feel sorry for the MIL everyone wants something from her, what about just spending time with her?

Perhaps DH could take his mum out for lunch and say what he wants to say, probably some combo of:

• Your continued treatment and enabling of brothers is causing resentment
• Your continued payment of them is leaving you vulnerable as you get older
• Why did you not downsize etc when you were looking?
• Why are you not showing up for me and my family/your GCs

I would not do as some pps have suggested and threaten no future care as ultimatums rarely go down well.

In terms of chores when you/DHvisit - the only response from here on in is ‘which brother needs showing how to do it?’ You are not there to do chores when you visit her home.

It seems inlaws on here are only useful if they provide for others, they dont seem to be able to exist as people

So you want to heap even more on her plate?
She taught DS2&3 to behave the way they do and only she can change it.

Definitely the MIL choice to do you she wants. But disagree that the poster is entitled and grasping.

I think it is the sons who fit this bill.

Massively, entitled and grasping pair of feckless users. Who have no regard for their mother and treat her like dirt.

The MIL.is not going to relinquish this role any time soon. She also sounds like the Martyr type.