AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

Not necessarily - we have a similar situation, and the house is being left to the dependent adult children “because they need it more”. What they actually need is a job, but no sign of that ever happening.

That poor mother needs an exit strategy. If I were you (well, your husband) I’d be looking to help to free her of the burden and entitlement of her grown men unpaying tenants so she can enjoy her retirement and her own money. Is she widowed?

No not widowed but doesn't have a partner. I'd probably be more sympathetic if there had been some traumatic death of a father (having lost my own), but no their dad is fine. He has made quite a lot of effort to help them move out over the many years. He's a kind helpful and supportive dad, the type to come on house viewings with you and knock on walls and tell you if it's supporting wall and if there's damp etc.

He is also very equal between all his kids, if one gets something so do the others in general. Maybe that makes MIL's actions seem more unusual as his dad makes a point of things being equal.

Gosh, the majority of these replies are shocking. Sorry you’ve had a hard time here OP. Yes it is wildly unfair and utterly ridiculous. The holiday situation is particularly hurtful.
Obviously all you and your DH can really do here is be glad he’s not also a lazy, pathetic, slobbish manchild too. You can also refuse any care and DIY, and if he wanted to DH could chat to his mum about how hurtful it is and about getting them to grow up so she can downsize. I also couldn’t imagine treating my children so differently (without a valid reason for it). But just be thankful your DH didn’t get stuck in that pathetic zone too.

Does your MIL live in a large town beginning with C? I have an acquaintance who lives exactly in the circumstances with two adult DC as you describe.
During chats (same book club), 'friends' have mentioned that her eldest DS, who has made a successful independent life, might feel resentful of the free board and lodgings his siblings get, her reaction is to say that, if eldest ever wants to leave his family, she would welcome him back with open arms.
She seemed oblivious to the point we were making, rather that she wants all her DC to treat her as the matriarch and live according to her agenda.
In my opinion your MIL has failed to rear competent members of society and, unfair as it may be, your DH has excelled by managing to create an independent life rather than be controlled by this needy woman.
I would keep my distance.Do not allow her to dictate her needs to you and DH.

She is lonely and likes their company, son 1 and his wife need different jobs and to stop expecting mil to be putting extra in the pot for them.

Err, no! She should downsize and the 2 son’s currently living with her need to man up and ship out. Adults should adult for themselves instead of expecting their mother to do everything for them all their lives.
I really can’t stand people expecting older parents to still baby them.

I think it’s really unfair . As a mother of three adult children I could never do what she does. Is there anyway you could talk to her on your own, pointing out how unfair it is and the impact it’s having on your husband/her son. If she knocks back and doesn’t change her ways? I’d drop in - don’t expect any help from us in your old age, your two spoiled brats can step up I detest favouritism

Your MIL has chosen what she wants to do with her life. She is an adult and has agency so what she does with her two other sons is down to her.

Yes it is unfair, however, I don’t see what you can do.

I would definitely be leaving any care for MIL in the hands of her two sons.

I’ve been in a similar situation with my DP and his parents. DP is the oldest and moved out early and then has given parents dividends from his company for years.

His DSis had a big, fancy wedding paid for by IL. His younger sibling lived at home until late 30s and never paid a penny of board and then had their house deposit paid for by the parents.

DP has never had any of this but has said any looking after of his parents falls to the other two siblings - they’ve benefited from a lot of financial help so they can return the favour.

I’m sure your MIL doesn’t realise how unfair her treatment is and, even if you pointed it out to her, she wouldn’t agree. I don’t think you can gain anything by speaking to her about it.

She's not treating them differently though. She'd do the same for your husband if he lived at home.
He's the success story here. He doesn't rely on her and that's great. Just because two of her sons failed to launch (a fact that I'm sure causes her much sadness) shouldn't mean she has to financially support the one that succeeded.
My brother is the oldest and is still a burden on my parents. My sister and I have made life work for us. I wouldn't dream of expecting mum and dad to equalise things financially. It's hard enough for them that they have a dependent son in their retirement and hard for my brother that his life is so crap.

My parents have the same attitude as you. I bunk with them 3 nights a week term time for work so I get fed and watered. Mum & Dad are always taking treats over to my brother and his family to even it out a bit. It won’t be exact either way but keeps things fair.
If they’re dishing out money it’s always the same each, though once my brothers dog was poorly and I said I didn’t want anything so that the dogs whole bill could be covered however when I got married they gave us the same as I would have had when the dog was poorly.
We’ve always been treated equally and there’s never been any animosity between us.

I think you should be thankful your DH is not like his brothers, instead of thinking of it in terms of fairness.
If your DH still lived at home he would be treated the same as his brothers. Your MIL is doing them no favours!

I mean this is clearly a ridiculous situation but the best possible advice for your husband is to stop looking at his brother’s socials and enjoy his independent life. He’s well out of it. The unfair but isn’t really the worst thing.

Be a better idea to tell them to find their own way in life and find other living arrangements. Guessing you're the daughter in law of no 1. She shouldn't be forking out for any of them and a bit much for another grown man to expect "a fair share". She should throw the other two out, sell up and spend every penny on herself.

@tusktusktusk at the end of the day your MIL is making clear choices about using her time and resources to enable your freeloading BILs.
Where the balance comes in is when she needs more help or care. At that point you and your DH have no obligation whatsoever and it will be down to said freeloaders to do their bit.
Inheritance is a separate issue but I'd be prepared in principle for the favouring the freeloaders to be continued tbh.

Unless they are abusing their mother financially , treating her badly , or she is mentally incapacitated,it's absolutely nothing to do with you . Or any if your business. Or your DH . And if you think your DH is going to tell his year younger brother what to do and that he will do it , you are both going to be disappointed.
It's not worth getting riled up about as it's out of your control .

She gets their company. My MIL is the same, (we’re essentially DS1 in this equation), but she pays their way at home to ensure they stay there. My MIL doesn’t want to be alone with her DH (whom she hates!) and that’s fair enough. I’d rather our situation than his brothers any day of the week.

Sounds like she’s still actively parenting her adult children, when would she find time to parent her grandchildren? Why would you want her to when her parenting raised two useless children?

I’d be saying the same or, “hope you’ve kept money aside for your care needs when your older as these 2x sons seem incompetent & lazy. We have our own children to look after alone so you can’t rely on us’.

does your Mil even care about her grandchildren? Sounds like she’s putting the selfish & lazy needs of her grown up & perfectly capable sons in front of her grandchildren- to me that’s a really shirty Mil & mother

I completely agree

Make it clear to your Dh that you won’t be offering care if the time comes.

I’d be encouraging mil to downsize, but guaranteed the siblings would want the equity. I have zero understanding of why she has allowed them/how they can take advantage of her and not work, wtaf?! It’s disgusting, imo.

MIL values her connection with her sons over financial matters and the eldest is out of the loop because she’s not as close to him.

you can argue the rights and wrongs of his independence, whether she should respect that etc but she is closer to the other 2 because they haven’t left home and she will be getting some value from this arrangement or it wouldn’t have gone on for so long.

Presumably your husband could move back home if he wanted and play on his PlayStation all day and get looked after by mummy. But I’m sure he’d rather stay with you and the family you’ve made. Even if money is tight at times, I’d rather have you husbands life than his brothers! They sound a bit pathetic.

It’s interesting how so many people in the comments are saying the grandmother doesn’t owe you childcare. It must be a cultural thing because in my culture, grandparents on both sides are very much part of raising the children, this is why they are named grand PARENT. To say that they don’t have to help with raising the children or looking after them at all or helping out the parents is so bizarre and alien to me. There is a need for a community when raising children, not just the grandparents but aunts and uncles too and neighbours and friends!

anyway, those grown ass man childs are just embarrassing themselves by living like they’re still 13. It is upsetting that their mum is paying for all their living expenses including non essentials like holidays. She should be paying for your holidays too if she can afford to pay for those two. It’s hard for you and your husband to see and your kids too!

How finacial well off is MIL ,does she struggle to help the other 2 or is it not a issue cos I think if money is fairly abundant and not a issue then she should treat everyone fairly . Childcare until the other 2 have children (and stop acting like children) you ha ent really got a benchark . My MIL has 4 sons ,,,none of them get anything of real value emotionally or financially but the one who lives with her is probably a little more favoured as is the most useless feckless one who lives nearby with his family the older 2 who are miles ahead and sensible get sweet FA in regards to money or visits .