AIBU to think this arrangement is unfair between siblings?

[tusktusktusk]

Family as follows: mum and 3 sons. All sons are mid to late 30s currently. The mum is retired and doesn't need care / help. No-one in this situation has a disability.

Son 1(oldest but only by 18 months) moved out at 18 for uni and now has children and a wife. Pays his own way and no help from his mum (financially or with childcare). Not well off by any means and has had periods of financial struggle through redundancies, high childcare costs etc. He and his family live fairly frugally eg rarely eat out, get takeaways or go on holiday.

Sons 2 and 3: still live at home with mum, do not contribute in terms of rent and very little in terms of doing things around the house (their mum still does their washing, pays for the food shopping, cleans for them and does the cooking). She pays a gardener and handyman to do the things she can't. One of the sons lives in the annex of his mums house so has his own entrance and living area etc. Both sons have worked here and there but not consistently and have made it clear it’s not a priority for them (currently one working and one is not). They both mostly play video games. Mum takes them out for meals regularly and buys them a takeaway at least once a week. She also pays for their holidays, phone bills, car insurance etc. This arrangement has been going on for 13 years so not a short term arrangement.

I can understand this situation happening for a few years while everyone figures things out and gets on their feet. But 13 years in it seems that there is no plan from the sons to change this situation, they are happy with the arrangement and are not saving for house deposits. The Mum has been saying for many years that she wants to sell the house and downsize.

I don’t know if I am taking fairness between siblings too far, but if I was paying for everything for sons 2 and 3 for such a long period I’d be putting money aside for son 1 or his children to even things out a bit. Or preferably pull back on what I was paying for for sons 2 and 3. If I was cooking cleaning and doing everything for sons 2 and 3 I would try and help son 1 out with childcare a bit. AIBU to think this? If you have grown up children living at home permanently and children who live independently, how do you manage fairness, or does it get past a point where that matters?

and will be liable for his share of the upkeep costs……

Really? You can enforce he pays for the upkeep?

And rightly so!

This. Life isn’t fair. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else would do, because what you think your MIL should be isn’t what she is, and she isn’t bound by any values or choices that aren’t her own. It may not be ‘fair’, but it doesn’t have to be fair.

Expecting fairness isn’t going to do you any good here, because all you’re going to be is disappointed.

Nothing wrong with that.

I do think that’s it’s ridiculous that adult men are living off their mother. But let’s be honest, your husband is the winner here. He’s the one with his own independent life, with his own family, with a future! He isn’t being treated unfairly by his mother . He’s getting normal adult son treatment! It’s sad that his brothers are living at home with no real job, no partners, no real life. The occasional take away , or holiday with mummy, doesn’t mean they should be envied.

I don’t agree she should be putting money aside to level it up no. She needs to give them a kick up the ass.

I think you’re looking at this totally wrong. Instead of feeling hard done by and mentally demanding that your MIL even things up and offer childcare or some sort of recompense, I’d be encouraging your DH to check she is indeed happy with the statusquo and talking to his brothers about getting off their arses.

Id be feeling awful for your MiL that her two grown up sons are still taking from her and encourage her to get them to start paying rent rather than eating into her pension and leaching off of her.

I think your thinking is actually quite selfish

Unless your dh wants to move back home and be spoiled by mummy too leave them too it.

What your dh has built for himself, his independence and integrity is much more valuable than any meal out. The time will come when his brothers will pay the price for their lifestyles.

If you’re the wife of DS1, this is none of your business and your MIL can spend her money as she chooses.

It sounds like you believe your DH should be receiving the equivalent £ of what your MIL spends feeding and housing the other 2? In which case no, you have no entitlement to anything at all.

Each according to need is fair enough but the "need" being 2 men in their mid to late 30s who "need" to play playstation all day and have their washing done for them before being taken out for dinner is a bit of a stretch if you ask me!

YANBU at all.

But can you & your DH be happy that you are not useless dependent menchildren, who will never have sex or a happy family? You & your DH are working and contributing and you should be proud of this.

Your BiLs are a waste of space basically. Make sure that when your MiL needs care, YOU are not the one doing it!

The MIL is not a good parent. She failed at launching 2/3 of her children and is continuing to enable them. She isn’t offering them help or financial support,
what she is doing is damaging.

Expecting a woman with such poor parenting skills to stop and think that she should also carve out some positive effort for her other child is unrealistic.

OP, families are complex. You seem to view this as your DH missing out, that he’s not getting the same resources as his siblings.

Would it not be better to see this as your dh has escaped and your two BILs are to be pitied? For one child to “fail to launch” might be a sad thing for your MIL, for it to happen with two, suggests she has had some part in this, encouraging them to not focus on careers, or quit jobs. Making life too easy for them and hampering their ability to cope alone. Discouraging choices that would lead to them being independent adults.

Your MIL might hint at wanting to downsize, but she’d just do it if she meant it. She’d encourage them to leave if she didn’t like it.

Your dh got away.

Also my take. Personally I'd be trying to stay as far out of the way of this as possible. DH sounds like the lucky son here, and certainly is the most capable. You don't want to be dragged down with them OP.

Totally agree with the poster. I could not give financial support to one adult child without equalising the support for the other.

I'm not sure about resentful but he does certainly feel very upset about the situation. BILs always come first even in hour of need like when we needed someone to looking after our little ones when I went into labour. Constantly seeing their social media stories of another deliveroo, or meals out etc is a bit like salt in the wounds especially around the time we had to sell our house. I have actually unfollowed them but he doesnt feel able to. And her taking them on one particular holiday really did sting for him because it was somewhere he would have loved to go and it wasn't mentioned to him. Although from what MIL said BILs didn't rise before lunchtime the whole week and MIL missed out on what she had wanted to do while there. He does know he has the better life for sure and he's not jealous of them at all.

If she needs care when she is old I would imagine it will somehow end up being me (trying to make it clear to DH I am not doing this).
When we have visited before she has asked me to hang out her son's washing. He was literally sat on the playstation in the living room (playing really violent games meaning my kids were stuck not able to go in the main part of the house). My DH ends up fixing things etc.

I don't know much about her finances but I do know she wanted to downsize the house so she could have a nicer retirement. She told me she was specifically looking at places big enough so that BILs could stay over, but it wouldn't be so comfortable for them to l (one BIL currently lives in his own annexe). That was about 7 years ago so I'd say she's not that happy with the situation although I haven't spoken to her about it in some time.

I just cant imagine treating one of my children so differently to the others. It really baffles me.

When we have visited before she has asked me to hang out her son's washing. He was literally sat on the playstation in the living room (playing really violent games meaning my kids were stuck not able to go in the main part of the house). My DH ends up fixing things etc.

Please tell me you said no.

The situation is absolutely ridiculous and I would 100% be judging both your BILs and, to a certain extent, your MIL. But I definitely think you're approaching it from the wrong angle. it's not about being unfair. It's about your Dh having two complete wanker/waste of space brothers who are shamelessly abusing their mother's good nature and willingness to help.

What is your DH doing about this? When the washing thing came up? Did you both laugh hysterically while saying "of course I won't be doing that?" Has your DH had a conversation with his mother to ask how she feels abot this and how he can help her to get to a place where she has the retirement she actually wants? If he wants to go on holiday to a nice place with his mother, why doesn't HE sugest it and agree a reasonable split of finances? Just becuase his brother sare being bankrolled by him, doesn't mean he should - I'd hope that he's a grown assed man who wouldn't want his mother paying for him.

Turn this around. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and your Dh and start getting angry on your MIL's behalf and/or that there's this ridiculous, immature, potentially abusive relationship going on.

Son 1 could also have stayed at home and had the same lifestyle, presumably. He made a different choice, so he doesn’t get to reap the same “benefits” as his brothers, but can he honestly say he would rather be in their position?

@tusktusktusk there are a couple of ways to go about this.

Firstly, your DH could talk to his mum. Be HONEST about finances, and perhaps even ask if she could give you a long term interest free loan to be able to have a nice family holiday. Mention you rarely even have a take away etc... as you're trying to save up but feel like you're getting no where.

Secondly, if she wants to downsize, you could always see if perhaps she'd like to buy a house with you that has a granny annex?! That would then force the two sons to have to go their own ways.

Finally, if your MIL really didn't like the situation, she'd do something about it. My BIL lived at home until he was early 40s!! My MIL loved mothering him. He did work, but clearly didn't mind being waited on hand and foot! The inlaws finally helped him out with a deposit for a 1 bed flat when they decided to downsize. Perhaps drop some hits about downsizing to your MIL to see if she perhaps feels unable to do so even if she wants to.

She asked you to hang the washing! I would have laughed in her face. Absolutely no sympathy for the woman and would be saying no to any help she is asking for when she’s older that her sproglodgers could do. I would be dropping in to conversation ‘isn’t it great that son 2 and 3 haven’t left the nest and can look after you in your old age!’, ‘you should get them used to doing the washing, cooking and housework for when you are no longer able’.

@tusktusktusk hope you said ‘lost the use of his arms has he’ when she asked you to hang out his washing 🙄

I think son 1 should move back in to make it fair.

True, at least the 2 sons are doing it whilst she's alive 🤔🙄

It doesn't seem fair but it's her decision. Anything that they can't do, like look after themselves, is her burden to bear as she's brought it upon herself.

Son no 1 needs to completely disengage..