To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

Quite. Or to put it more bluntly "I won't be your aunt's home help and I won't be yours either'.

You can't do that every couple of days, it's a ridiculous solution.

Can great aunt not afford to pay someone to clean? She can order groceries online and cook simple stuff. That's what I do.

It is different now as more women work, and they work longer hours than previously. Also, people live longer but in ill health, so their care needs can span years and years. We can't do what our grandparents etc did because we are working more, are more geographically dispersed and on top of that, it's not just helping for months/a year, it could go on for ten years. We retire later too, we go back to work after having children.

Plus, as a PP was saying that she wouldn't be left without help at two days postpartum and everyone should help out, many of us don't have family that do help in that way, and it goes both ways!

Every other day?!

Hell no.

If GA wants help she needs to pay for it, sorry.

Again, saying this as a childless person who may well be alone one day.

If your great aunt genuinely needs that level of support, she probably needs local help, carers, cleaners, meal services or assistance from people who live nearby. It's fine to help occasionally if you want to but being told it's now your responsibility is a bit much.

No, this is not on you to do.

Women don’t exist to spend their whole lives and any free moment caring for others! Even for other women.

This is why paid cleaners exist. This is why there are loads of subscription type companies for healthy, ready made food. People need these services and luckily they can be purchased!

We have to normalise paying for these services not expecting women to do them for free.

Persuading my parents to get cleaners in recently during an illness was such tough going! Not that they asked me to do it but just they were weirdly reluctant. And they wouldn’t have the food deliveries I offered to pay for!

They dont want to. It's all very me, me, me and what have they done for me? It's a cultural thing

From the same person who opened with the fact that OP could be more likely to get an inheritance share if she steps up.

You don’t seem to be able to read your own words from your lofty cultural heights @TheHateUGive . OP doesn’t want to do unpaid labour for a woman she doesn’t know, and you’re lambasting her despite being very clear that you’d do it for the chance of an inheritance. That’s also very me,me,me.

Is hypocrisy valued as much as fake piety in this culture you say is so superior?

I think you can say you will help by contacting Social Services who will make a visit to discuss carers and attendance allowance applications. A cleaner package can be added into that as well.

Absolute lunacy to suggest you should help out; you have far too much on your plate.

@SooPanda you need to have a frank conversation with your mum. You don’t exist to fill in the gals she doesn’t want to. This woman is as good as a stranger to you yet the expectation is that you should run yourself ragged to save your mother’s guilt. Absolutely not.

Well if she had no children and didn't take steps to build strong relationships with the younger generation of the family, who did she think was going to take care of her in her old age? It was a foregone conclusion that she was going to have to organise her own care. As a woman who has lived a long life with no dependents, she should have plenty of savings built up to pay for help.

You would really drive 2 hours each visit, plus the time required spent doing jobs, for a relative you barely know and who has never made much effort with you? You must be a saint!

Ther are some extraordinarily goady posts on this thread. @SooPanda come on over to the elderly relatives board where you can have a sensible discussion about if and how to support your great aunt and also your mum. I would caution against even offering to do admin because once you make yourself “the fixer” in the elderly persons mind then you will be on the hook for everything as their needs increase.

As for the “I’d never dump my relatives in a home” posts - well that attitude can F right off. Firstly when our grandparents were elderly, they generally were well with a bit of help with shopping from their locally based family, had a short illness and died. Today’s elderly people are living a lot longer, but not necessarily in good health. They now survive the pneumonia, heart attacks and strokes that carried off our grandparents, but live in a fragile state. They need far more help with daily tasks and their family is likely to be scattered far and wide as people move for jobs. It’s a very different situation. Secondly, there comes a point where said elderly person may have needs that even family and/or paid carers can’t keep them safe at home any more. A confused, immobile, and/or incontinent elderly person needs 24 hour support from trained staff in a location with lots of safety equipment. Today’s care homes (the good ones at least) are miles away from the “gods waiting room” dismal places of our grandparents day.

So 3 hours minimum, then, including the 2 hour round trip to get there and back?

For a woman who (by the sound of it) can well afford to pay for local support to make her life easier, and who could have extended invitations or arranged to visit family herself at any point over the years if they were that important to her and she wanted to invest in those relationships?

She’s not even picked up the phone to the OP, who barely knows her anyway, in 8 years. I’m very family orientated, but it’s ridiculous to suggest she should upend her life for a virtual stranger.

Fortunately most of us don’t live in an episode of EastEnders, so don’t necessarily feel it’s ‘shameful’ not to do this ‘because faaaamily’. It’s batshit.

No of course you are not BU to say no. Sounds like your Mum just wants a way out of the problem. You've had very little to do with this (somewhat distant) relative. Don't be guilt-tripped. It's funny how so many people are very happy for someone else to do something they don't want to do.

Thank you, I didn’t know that board existed!

Christ this generation may be needy but some are SO frigging entitled. My mother always says she 'hates asking' but knows damn well that someone will help. Don't get involved at all from the outset, unless you want it to take over your life. I have gone from the 7 year caring of DF, (needed very intense 24/7 care) before rolling straight on to my mother, who started to ail just as he died. She does have some genuine needs, but she's such an alarmist. I think I'm suffering from carers fatigue. I adored my dad and would have had him living with me if I could have managed physically, not so much my mother. I don't get on with her and I hate it.

Suggest your GA applies for attendance allowance it is not means tested

She can pay for carers, shoppers,, transport anything to make her life easier

Yes that's a good board. It was on there I saw someone posting that they grew up in a multi generation household where everything revolved around the needs of the oldest person and they'd never want that for their own dc.

It's not always as great as people make out, especially where there has been abuse in the family.

My neighbour grew up in a country where there are multi generation households but she now lives half way across the world. So sees them once or twice a year.

It may be that your mom isn't worried about the day to day spending cutting into inheritance but whether she/you will be in the will at all if no support is given. (I know this isn't important to you.) Or maybe she just thinks family should help.

Sounds like you have the right approach in helping to arrange care.

Ok, you perhaps help her get adult social care, I think maybe your mum is testing the waters as to how you'll be with her, it's hard, because generally we don't live in close proximity to each other any more,and the expectation that women will care is still the norm.
I maybe would have helped once a week say,IF I had been close to her,but I think you are right to say no, it's very hard caring for someone, emotionally as well as physically,and the expectation seems to get more as times go on ,who will see to her if she goes in hospital say?
That's a burden,and if you are seen to be doing the caring ,social services will quite happily let you.

Apply here

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Succinctly put! Nothing else needs to be said, OP. Your mum has no right offering your time and energy to anyone.

I really would be careful of getting too involved. What if she has a fall? You don't want her to contact you in the middle of the night and you certainly don't want SS to think that you are her next of kin.

So I would tread very carefully as SS will take advantage of anyone they can pass the problem on to.

If it was me, I wouldn't get involved at all especially as you hardly know her.

That’s an idea