To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

How about DM's husband? I wonder if DM is volunteering his time.

@Justwelldoit

I think I'd rather send you a personal message. A thread (here) about practicing witchcraft would probably attract a number of bullies and trolls.

In the philosophy/religion section there is a thread that a number of Mumsnet witches post on.

@Justwelldoit

They don't necessarily discuss their practices. I'll send you a PM anyway to try to answer your question.

That's what carers are for.

I have a great aunt who has no children, many years ago she set up POA with me and has chosen the nursing home she’d like to go to if needed, she’s also helped me out financially in the past and we go on holidays together and see each other every couple of months, we have things in common and she’s told me what she’s leaving me and my kids in her will (of course it may all go in care home fees, but that’s the risk you take), so of course I’m happy to help her out where I can. However she’s put the effort in, and she’s been upfront about asking in advance and understands that what she’s asking will take effort. In your situation I’d be less inclined to help because it’s not a two way thing.

What an absolute ridiculous response. The op has a job and children. It us absolutely nit her job to do this. I wonder if she had a brother would he get told to do it?

People who respond that way are invariably those who would find every excuse in the book not to do it and foist the responsibility off onto some other poor sucker.

I’ll not be able to physically go more than once a month (or whatever) due to work and the kids but I’m more than happy to help you sort out carers/a cleaner etc if you think great aunt needs that help.

Whaattt?
3 or 4 hours commitment every couple of days? For someone you hardly know?

Absolutely NOT!

@SooPanda unless there's a lot of backstory, this is such an unreasonable request. YANBU to say no.

Ask for payment. It's a second job. Share your hours of availability. Tell her it's money for your kids / holidays / education fund etc.

Personally, I would offer to help at least once a month, for free. Under your circumstances. Every other day is mental for a 2-hr roundtrip!

Wowsers! I help an 85 year old who was friends with my late MIL! She doesn’t live close by and has a daughter who lives abroad… she didn’t ask for help. Her daughter (who I don’t know well asked) I do know the lady as she was a friend of my mother in law who passed away 10 years ago… I don’t expect anything she has always been warm to me and to my children re Christmas, birthday cards etc. my husband has known her all his life and was very touched she bothered to stay in touch even after his mum died when she she was in fact still healthy and able… I have a toddler and we just carve out time to run errands, drop in for coffee/take her for one of she fancies it! If you can’t you can’t…I suppose..karma and all that

Maybe you should research state boarding schools or send your own kids away to live with another relative, and then you'll have plenty of time to help your aunt?

I can't think of any other way you can work full-time, do a two hour round trip and caring in between and still be back to pick up your kids and take them to their activities, supervise their homework and the like. So I guess if you agree to this, the kids have to go.

I would visit as a relative.

But not help with day to day.

She might need help organising and setting up the help.

It sounds like she might need a live in carer.

my husband has known her all his life and was very touched she bothered to stay in touch even after his mum died when she she was in fact still healthy and able

@August1980 Surely the emotional bond is the major factor here, your DH clearly cares for this lady and feels cared for by her in return.

The OP barely knows her great-aunt and is being asked to do alot for her, it's a very different scenario.

It's an obvious no. However, you or better your DM could help GA set up dome home arrangements.

Of course you mean karma for the great aunt who has never bothered with OP, and is therefore completely different to the friend of your MIL in this scenario?
Not for OP spending 3 hours every few days to clean for someone who is essentially a stranger.

OP your mother and her aunt are complete cheeky fxxkers.

Push back hard and say no.

I would be putting your mother in her place and taking space.

How dare she tell you what you should be doing.
.

Every other day? Are they mad?
FFS say no, absolutely no way.

You’ve conveniently missed the part where OP says great aunt lives an hours drive away!! So an hours cleaning/cooking etc is actually 3 hours with the round trip, the cost of fuel also being catered in, mum wants her to do this ‘every other day’ meaning OP will be working her day job, then an extra 9 hours a week of driving and cleaning at her aunts, and getting home likely after the kids are in bed!! So missing out on her family time and evening down time!

I absolutely adored my great uncle, saw him reasonably regularly .. (few times a year). He lived approx an hour away too..
There is still no way I’d commit to driving there and cleaning a few times a week - it’s ludicrous!Even if I was compensated financially it’s still a big ask!
Apply fir attendance allowance if she needs help (it’s not means tested), and she can use that money (about £70 pw) to pay cleaners, gardeners, window cleaners etc

So much this ^

She can pay for a cleaner etc like most elderly people do

Doubt it meals on wheels is still.available. Thought it bit the dust years ago.

Maybe it depends on where you live.