To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

I think it's fair enough not to help in this situation. Generally I think we can give the elderly a bit of leeway as they age and things get tough, but the fact is she never invested in any kind of relationship with you before this so can't really expect you to step in now. You reap what you sow in life.

YANBU
My DPs - so not a distant relative- lived an hour away in good traffic and it nearly broke me trying to support them to stay in their own home for the past year.
Anything easy to outsource with money such as cleaning and gardening I did not do but I did coordinate people for them.

Medical appointments are something where it is good to have another person along but this lady is a stranger to you, so I wouldn’t offer her even that.

Sadly my experience is whatever you give, more will be asked for and expected so be very wary of what you take on for your DM as well.

Other better people in other better cultures, may have time machines that allow them to be in two places at once and large wallets that mean salaries are not required, but most of us live in the real world.

😂

I'm a great-aunt, single, no kids. Of course it's not the reason I do it, but I hope that the time, effort and money (school holiday care, trips out that I think she will enjoy, paying for tuition) I've contributed to my great niece now and in the future mean we have a relationship and she would want to help if she could. But it seems like your great aunt never offered any childcare, outings etc when your children were younger and she was fitter. It's a two-way street.

@BrownBookshelf

I asked, because I myself am a witch, and I was curious to see if I would be accepted as such in OP's culture. (Since they were implying that their culture is superior in some ways.)

Ahh religion! Historically famous for championing women's rights and freedoms! Right wing conservatives are always banging on about family values, especially in the USA and then these religious men are arrested for child molestation and rape.

@thepariscrimefiles

Many contemporary pagan religions certainly do champion women's rights and freedoms.

Wouldn't matter if you were a lady of leisure OP, you still are under no obligation to provide regular ongoing care for a distant relative you barely know. I do not see how people can make suddenly make claims of family members if they have made no effort to create and sustain a relationship with them previously!

Fair enough! Of course there are a great many cultures where there's a persistent belief that witches are evil and people, usually disproportionately women, are accused based on fuck all and attacked. Most of these cultures would likely consider themselves to be sustaining family values. So I totally see why a witch in a society where we're free to call ourselves that would want to ask.

Unlikely. Black, Bangladeshi and Pakistani ethnic groups are the most reliant on income related welfare in the UK.

There’s a strong correlation between cultures where religion and generational care are strongly valued, and welfare dependency.

Of course she doesn't. There is no obligation for OP to be an unpaid carer and cleaner for her aunt three times a week when she lives an hour away. OP works and has children. Her great aunt has the means to pay for help but obviously just doesn't want to.

Not your problem anymore than it is mine. Your mother is rude.

@BrownBookshelf

For what it's worth, I don't necessarily think that modern Western culture is always hugely better when it comes to witchcraft and occultism. I've come across plenty of people who are hateful and bigoted against witches and occultists because they believe we're all irrational and stupid and also advocate for banning people from doing such things professionally because they (inaccurately) believe that everyone who works as a psychic/occultist/tarot reader, etc, is a deliberate fraud.

So there's a lot of bigotry against psychics, occultists and witches in Western culture. However, we are at least (currently) free to practice those things as both an unpaid hobby/passion and practice them as a full time job for which we are paid.

This is one of the strangest threads I've read in a while.

OP, why not head over to the Elderly Parents board to ask for advice/support on if you want to offer GA life admin help from a distance (or whatever form of care you feel you want to provide or not) and how you could go about that practicaly

But also importantly, get support there on how to be direct with your mother about her future expectations and how you can plan for the future for and with her

I promise if you post there, your thread will get useful, non judgemental, experienced answers and not be derailed by "cultural values"

You hardly know this woman. You are more than generous to be considering going once a month. If you're willing to do this, I would draw an absolute line in the sand and refuse to be moved from this whatever they say.

I won't do this. Is what you need to say immediately

Your mums mad to think you should do this

i would be having a very firm word that you don’t have the time, or the money for petrol, that if she can’t help you certainly can’t with all your responsibilities and GA needs to look into cleaners, gardeners and carers and you are not hav8ng any further discussion on the matter

edited to add your mum needs to start thinking about her old age and what support she will need to buy in. I know lots on her think family should look after family but we all made it clear to my mother we would not be moving in, doing her personal care running round after her, she would have to pay for carers which she did. We are far older than my mother was where her mother was old and needed help, we have our own health issues nothing can be assumed that you will be there to help family members

You'd commit to driving 8 hours a week and carrying out housework and personal care 4-8 hours indefinitely (potentially long term) on top of your existing commitments of working and raising your dependent children who attend two different schools? Would you be concerned about the impact on your health and immediate family in doing this?

If the GA lived down the road I'd (cautiously) offer to do it for 2 months until her permanent arrangements were up and running. I wouldn't offer at that distance unless the situation was desperate and very short-term (which would suggest she shouldn't be without a proper care arrangement anyways)

Good for you.

Why do you refer to it as “alleviating”.
For many financial independence is important.

I think I’d be telling your mother “what you think I SHOULD be doing and what I WILL be doing are two very different things”.

Then tell her to advise your aunt to buy help in. Job done.

Do not go once a month, just say no. You will end up being bullied and guilted the whole time you are there into coming more often. That is an absolutely terrible idea.
Just say no.

Omg what a bloody cheek. No you don’t have to do this and there doesn’t have to be a big reason why. It’s a woman you barely know and who doesn’t know you. Why on earth is it anything to do with you?

I think that pp ignored this but it’s unsurprising. Things have to be paid for and if people are doing unpaid work it needs to be funded.

That said I think British Indians are an outlier but then when the care is performed it’s mostly left to the women.

I do think people often resent paying £20- £25 quid per hour for someone to clean / care / garden for several reasons. First being it’s so much more than min wage forgetting that it costs an employer much more than just wages or that self employed need to account gor holiday pay/ sick pay/ travel time between jobs. Second they don’t value your time. That it’d cost you in terms of not being on top of your own place , reduced working capability , car costs doesn’t seem to matter to them.