To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

At what time would you suggest the 3-4 hours of help are done. When at work or when looking after own kids?

I may be wrong but I’d hazard a guess that in your culture the way of life you pompously champion here is historically reliant on the women’s main role being one of unpaid full-time care-giver / home-maker. I’m not denigrating this - this is admirable and noble work - but the majority of UK society now is based around both women and men working outside the home in paid employment (usually out of necessity).

When this is the case, who is this unseen workforce of familial care-givers you propose? Oh that’s right, it’s still expected to be women, who now not only have jobs & the lions share of the parenting, but are now shamed by naive comments such as yours for not also taking on work as unpaid carers for relative strangers.
Rightio.

Oh get off your high horse. What culture are you from? Let us know so we can provide an equally robust critique.

Definitely too much to

Whi specified that amount of time?

It's an old woman living alone. An hour each time will be fine.

I'd tell you husband that my aunt needs help so he has to do a bit more at home or see that someone else does while I step up. This is everyday stuff in my family. Really isn't a big deal. We help each other. That is what family is for in cultures where the family hasn't been eradicated by allegiance to capitalism.

Nope. I’d offer to help her fill out the form for attendance allowance if she qualifies. If not she needs to get a cleaner.

@TheHateUGive

In the OP's case, though, it sounds like she has a lot of other responsibilities to account for which would make helping out to this extent very difficult or impossible.

OP works (part time, but that could be spread out over five days a week.) One of her children is still in primary school, so she may have school collection to do, as well as perhaps preparing dinner.

Her great aunt lives an hour away, so it's a two-hour round trip that would probably have to be done in the evening most times. Two hours in the evening, with probably at least an hour to do the tasks with which the GA needs help...it's quite a lot, especially when it's expected to be done every other day.

Once a week would be be easier and more understandable. But the level of help as has been described sounds excessive to me, considering the OP's other duties.

So 2 hours of travel, plus hour there is 3 hours every second day.

Again. When should that be done. Instead of work or instead of own childcare time?

If great aunt lived around the corner then maybe the request could be considered, It is not practical for a woman with children in primary and secondary and with a job to take several hours out of their day multiply times a week to clean for a distant relative who could just hire a cleaner. If family was so important to the GA she should have been taking lots of interest in her great niece when she was young and having a relationship with her. It is far far more practical for the GA to hire a cleaner and maybe take more time to build a relationship with her family rather than using them.

I'd offer to help her get set up with external agencies and that's it. Her health will deteriorate and then the expectation would by for you to provide personal care.

It's better your GA gets comfortable with external people being in now.

Definitely too much to ask of you. Even if you were close, with distances involved, cost of fuel and time and the fact that you have a busy life it wouldn't fly. As you are not close then it's a no but maybe you and your mum could arrange a cleaner for her etc. Must be hard to be eighty and alone.

I see you didn't answer the question. Come on, which culture?

You're hardly virtuous, you suggested she provide support as she might inherit.

Perfectly practical in my world. My husband and other relatives would step up and make sure she was supported to. Either by doing some themselves or taking care of my load so I can.

I think instead of pushing back and arguing on this. Maybe wonder how you can bring back some of this kind of caring ethos in your own culture.

not my circus, not my monkeys

If your mum wants to get involved by organising carers etc that is her business - but make it clear that you are not getting involved and will not be told to do this or anything else by her.

Yeah it is becoming problem in places where women didn't work really until recently. Now they have to because life is expensive so there is coming up an issue of elderly care.
All our nieces work now, while their mothers predominantly didn't. In about 10 years it will start being real problem because how do you support elderly with higher cares like before if there is no time. Younger ones are also moving away from multi gen living to an extent.

Do you work in paid employment and have kids, whilst you’re doing all this helping out of random neighbours with shopping and personal care for 2 hours 3 times a week? If so, I take my hat off to you - deffo going to Heaven.

The irony of certain username😂

@TheHateUGive

Some people will share your viewpoint on that, certainly.

However, it could also be suggested that you (not your culture, but you personally) are perhaps lagging behind when it comes to being tolerant of the norms/customs of a culture that isn't your own?

You don't. Your non-answer says everything we need to know.

Yes. Of course I have a job. I have 3 kids and 1 on the way. We all help each other. Nothing is left all to me and I help others with their load.

What does it tell you? Do you want to guess my ethnic and religious background based on your assumptions of other groups of people?

You'd make a 2 hour round trip every other day, plus the time spent there, to help out a distant relative you'd not seen in almost a decade? Not as a one off, but as ongoing arrangement that could last years? I bet you wouldn't 😂

Yep. Already trying to have conversations about suitable housing, my availability to help out etc. Already worried that I won’t be able to meet expectations.