To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

I think it's better for women's welfare and mental health generally if caring is considered a profession, rather than something they are expected to just do. Good for wider society too: If your aunt employs carers, she will be creating paid work and some of that money will help to boost the local economy.

There’s always one.

If she lived 5 minutes around the corner I'd pop in to help with shopping (well, I'd order an online shop) and run the hoover around a couple of times a week.

But a two hour round trip every other day is completely impractical. It just won't work, even if you wanted it to.

I think you are spot on Op, given that this lady gets out and about and socialises and now is simply at the stage of needing a cleaner every week isn't actually unusual!
I dare say she would be horrified to hear that a busy working mum was being guilted into a 3 hour trip multipul times a week.
More a case of your mum wanting play Lady Bountiful methinks

Absolutely not, you've got your hands full already and obviously do not owe this lady anything. Your mum needs telling very clearly not to volunteer your services again. Have you thought what your mum is going to be like in a few years' time?

Anyway, good news TheHateUGive is happy to step up so I'd DM the contact details to her to make the arrangements directly.

Christ no! I wouldn’t want to be saddled with that even if she was local. Your dm has a bloody cheek volunteering you to do that 😡

An hour away? Every other day? When she barely know her? And the GA hasn’t bothered with the OP before? Not a chance in hell

True, and also that poster has mentioned her ethnicity before and she's not Indian.

We will all be old and lonely at times someday and if I had an elderly relative, I would (have) help(ed) where I could on my terms. Such as -

Connect her to agencies needed including to help around house.
Be next of kin in event of emergency.
Visit and maybe take her out somewhere every 2-3 weeks if she is able, and you have time.
Phone every week for a chat.
If she doesn’t have a network where she is suggest she moves closer.
Connect her to befriending groups.

Tell her you have too much on with work, kids, school, you wish you could clone yourself and do more but it’s just impossible. Repeat, calmly and matter of fact, as often as necessary.

Your mum is the problem here. She has no right to volunteer you and needs to be firmly told to wind her neck in.

Of course you can't spend hours every other day caring for some woman you barely know, and who hasn't asked for your help/made any effort to get to know you anyway. Why does society think it's entitled to unpaid labour from women still?

Bully for them. I like my job thanks so if my dh thought he could work more and earn more so I could clean more and clean and cook for elderly rellies I’d say are you on drugs? That sounds awful. Why would I want to clean more when I can have a job I like and split the cleaning with you since we’re both whole competent adults?

Devils business? Clean bums? Collectivist culture? I'm guessing Nigeria.

A deeply patriarchal society with any number of issues including FGM and child marriage.

I can understand why someone brought up in a collectivist society would struggle to understand a very individualistic one like the UK though.

You live an hour away. How are you going to help her on a regular basis with housework, meals, gardening and laundry?! She needs a cleaner, a lady who irons, a food delivery company and gardener. The more you give the more she will take. You already work and have children. Just ignore it. If your mum asks again then refer her for an assessment from social services. I care for my father because he is disabled, the level of care has increased since he entered his 80s. What ever you provide now, more will be expected from you in the future.

You'd do this - a 2 hour round trip plus however many hours helping every other day when the OP has a busy family life and presumably many other commitments- for an aunt you hardly know? The OP has already said she has no interest in an inheritance, but even if she did there is no guarantee this would happen - the money may well be destined for the donkey sanctuary or the local cats and dogs home!

DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out

Your DM doesn't get to "tell" you any such thing - though she can try - but as in so many of these cases I'd gladly help out by supplying them with contacts for all the paid services which it seems your GA could easily afford

If and when they declare all these unsuitable you'll have your answer as to what they really want and can decide accordingly

I would join a local to DGA social media group and ask for recommendations for home helps/PA/gardeners/cleaners/whatever DGA needs the help with and then present the list to your DM so she can arrange assistance for her! Very cheeky of your mum to just pass the buck to you.
Or , suggest to DGA moves in with your mum…she might be 80, but that doesn’t mean she won’t live to 95!

You would drive an HOUR away, every other day? Give overrrrrrr

@Iwenttonigeria

A witch is someone who practices witchcraft. Some people may prefer to use a different, or additional terms - such as sorcerer, or occultist - but the term witch would also be a suitable descriptor.

Yes, in these threads no one ever seems to ask a man to care for them.
There was a thread the other day where someone said they grew up in a multi generation household where everything revolved around the eldest member's needs and they never want that for their own dc.

I clicked the wrong option sorry.
she isn’t your issue.

Refer her to adult social care let them take over - it’s a ridiculous idea

Convenient though that it’s you who is being exploited to help GA save money, it’s not like your DM is volunteering

No they are not the same thing , she is a great Aunt, so anither generation back

my ds is Aunt to my dc and GA to my Dgc

i wouldn’t want to live with my dm or any other relatives

My parents have plenty of money. But they required so much persuasion to pay a cleaner and a gardener. I was embarrassed at the amounts they were suggesting. I asked them how on earth they expected a cleaner to survive on that kind of hourly payment. Anyway, they had no choice but to agree in the end.