To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

I mean she could. Or she could show some kindness and help her with what she needs help with. It depends what person she wants to be i guess. A lot of people are fine with abandoning elderly relatives.

A lot of those cultures you venerate will “morally lag” behind us in their expectations placed on and treatment of women.

So your sneering is not required.

Can you just tell us what your culture is@TheHateUGive? So we can all learn from it

Thankfully I won’t be getting any inheritance because GA will be spending it all on cleaners, gardeners, meals on wheels, carers and hopefully a few nice Saga holidays with her friends! And so she should!

A two hour round trip every other day to do someone else’s’ housework ? Absolutely not. She needs pointing in the direction of her Local Authority to ask about a home help, or care services if she needs them. This is just not practical.

What inheritance you loon? First off the great aunt will spend all her money on care costs. And point B, why would the inheritance skip a generation to the OP who the great aunt probably wouldn't recognise if she was wheeled past her by her-paid-for-carer in the street

@TheHateUGive

The OP has said she doesn't want an inheritance.

There is also no certainty that the Great Aunt would leave her anything by way of inheritance anyway.

Going by how isolated and vulnerable she sounds, she likely won't make it on those

Perhaps you’d like to expand on what culture yours is, and how it doesn’t disproportionally affect women ?

@TheHateUGive

I'd like to know what your culture (overall) thinks of polytheism, witchcraft and occultism? Are they tolerant and accepting of those things?

Good grief OP. As is the saying on here goes "you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

Bloody cheek of your DM; thinking she can offer your services to keep DAunt entertained and her home clean/tidy?! Always someone who's free and easy with someone else's time! Absolutely no. Stick to your guns.

And while you are cleaning and keeping her company, who's spending time with your kids, who's earning your money to bring into your home, who's going to look after YOUR DM when she needs help, who's going to deal with all your life admin, who's going to do your shopping (or whatever you would normally be doing in those hours of helping out GA)???

It doesnt matter what she wants. She will likely be left some as one of her only relatives.

What gives you the impression she is isolated and vulnerable??
I said much earlier on she isn’t lonely, she has friends and a social life.
She just needs some help round the house. Which doesn’t need to be done by me.

I would probably offer to go once and handle a list of tasks GA needs help with and can't do alone if that would help, maybe even consider going periodically (once a month max) Every other day when it's an hour drive each way isn't practical even if you felt close to your great aunt and wanted to make the offer (not respond to the demand). How could it be unreasonable to say no?

Oh come on, don't be daft - my answer would be; "I have enough going on, I will not be taking on amy more cooking and cleaning. Auntie needs to pay for some help."

This is a lie. Come on now. There are good and shitty parts in all cultures including your own. And there isn’t a single culture with extended family care as the norm where it’s not overwhelmingly lain at the feet of women (including my own.)

The culture debate is irrelevant to the topic. It’s an reasonable request for somebody with childcare and paid work responsibilities to have to carve out 3 hours a day / every other day to attend to an aunt who herself is clearly not bothered by family relationships.

You have not answered which of her current duties OP should drop to attend to her great aunt?

Exactly! The cheek to ask someone else to come clean their house.
op ‘tell’ her no. Goodness imahine not seeing or speaking to someone in 8 years and expecting them to clean their house. Would just piss me off really

I would offer (in line with what time is felt able to give) to help her get set up with external agencies for cleaning, laundry, meal delivery etc.

What communities is she part of that would provide company? Is she a church goer? Neighbourhood association?

This would be a perfect response 😁

Realistically I think this is what I’ll do. I’ll visit soon and come up with a list of what needs doing, how often, and who can be employed to help.

I’ll make some calls for her and tell DM I’ll offer to bring her there for lunch once a month if GA wants me to - I don’t know why she would since she’s never wanted me to in the past but I’ll offer!
And then I can check that things are plodding along as they should be and pick up any issues.

She goes to the WI and local community center activities like a knitting group. I’ll suggest she asks them for cleaner/ home help recommendations.

She may leave it all to charity, she may at a later date need to go into a care home and her her money used for fees. Not sure why you are so hung up on inheritance.

I do wonder whether those people who castigate us Brits for putting our relatives in care homes, have ever had to cope (largely unaided) with dementia, day in, day, out - (disturbed) night in, night out!

I suspect not, or at least not largely on their own. Anyone who’s done it will know how stressful and exhausting it can be.

The fact is, that when someone needs 24/7 care and supervision - by which I mean someone on hand ALL day, ALL night, 365 days a year, this may well be almost impossible to provide in an ordinary family setting.

I was so exhausted with my FiL, that when (after much pressure from dh) a BiL and SiL came to collect him to give me a break, I immediately collapsed on the sofa (in the middle of the day) and slept for 4 hours solid.

Who says it’s fucked up? It’s different and needed as society has shifted. My grandfather was cared for by my aunt (against his will by the way).

Because she has extensive finances from
her early career, no children, no husband.

Had she had paid work and childcare it would not be feasible to assist her parents.

The model has changed because the unpaid labour workforce has diminished and people no longer live next door to their circles.

I also don’t see the issue with retirement villages. It’s just prejudice that makes people deride them.