To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

And if your culture is about helping people solely on the basis of inheritance I’d suggest you are one in need of prayer and getting down off your high horse @TheHateUGive.

Seeing family values as financial transactions is pretty scummy, as is thinking you have any moral high ground.

You are being selfish and need to help your aunt. She is vulnerable and in need of help.

No no - she deffo would - right after she’s got home from her fictional job after a commute, and before she’s collected the kids from various schools & nurseries, helped all three children with their homework and cooked and fed the entire family. I mean, she’s pregnant at the moment apparently, so once she’s had the baby she’ll have even more time on her hands for this thrice-weekly 2hour round trip to shower a relative stranger. Definitely.

we live in extended families

Right. So actually a completely different situation to this woman who lives an hour away and suddenly seems interested in the idea of family helping out now, when she needs it.

I don't tolerate unkindness or cruelty. I don't tolerate a society where we treat our old as burdensome. I can't stand the hypocrisy of complaining that you don't have support and then refusing to be supportive. I can see the generational differences in this current group of children who are slowly being removed from the care and guidance of their grandparents generation. They are worse people as a result.

You are free to tolerate those things.

How come I know you're from a culture that expects WOMEN to do the unpaid caring work? And this is not someone OP loves- she hardly knows the woman. I hope you plan for your future because I'm not sure your dc will be your slaves when you're old.

Extended families doesnt necessarily mean we all live locally. It means that we are in regular contact and in a mutually supportive network. It means we do feel some obligation to be there for relatives in need.

We have strong roots and close ties.

Absolutely this. “Family values” relies on the unpaid labour of women.

Ffs- did you even read the OP?

No, I don't. Men equally step up and tske care of the elderly. 2 of my great aunts live with their sons who provude full time while their daughter's visit. My husband stepped up for his uncle including personal care.

In our culture, men cook, clean and wash themselves. It's a must or you're labelled with a range of demeaning terms.

Your aunt needs to pay for help.

@TheHateUGive

You might have a general point about the erosion of what were considered traditional family values in this country. I agree that the elderly should not be seen as burdensome and more should perhaps be facilitated (by the government) to improve care for the elderly.

I have always generally got along well with people significantly older than me and generally respect them.

However, the practicalities of modern day life mean that many working adults are not able to provide the level of help that people may have done in the past. I don't think you are necessarily fully appreciating this.

I think you're being unfair in directing your disdain specifically towards the OP and her own situation. If she is not in a position where she is able to give that level of help, I don't think she should be shamed for it.

Not in all cultures. And even thise where women do perform most personal care, the men step up in other ways such as working more to provide so their wife doesnt have to worry about bringing money in.

OP, I think you should pay attention to your mum's attitude to this issue, she's going to expect you to obey her every command as she gets older. This is her starting now to train you to be her slave.

I think your comments are pretty sweeping and judgmental, lots of people in the UK have a family network and provide support for each other / my family certainly does. One of my aunts is childless and would not dream of asking me to do this .Cleaning doesn’t have to be done by family, if there is a cleaner close to the GA they will likely be very happy to take the job and the Op can continue to look after her children properly.

Not one person on here ‘tolerates those things’. But have you genuinely not read my posts explaining the basic socio-economics of the developed world? And the socio-cultural shifts this has unavoidably necessitated?
How did you not pick this basic remedial information up either at school or into adulthood?

It’s great having faith; but as an individual your dogmatic black-and-white thinking that seems to view “morals” interchangeably with socio-economic / socio-cultural shifts is baffling.
It’s like trying to explain the world to a butterfly.

I should hope they do wash themselves, are you saying that white British men get their wives to wash them? Very bizarre.

They dont want to. It's all very me, me, me and what have they done for me? It's a cultural thing so you can't turn to your similarly cultured husband and say he needs to step up while you help out your aunt.

It goes all ways. Your mum won't do any childcare for her GC so you stick her in a home as you can to pay her back for the whole lot of nothing she did for you.

It's fucked up.

@TheHateUGive

I would also posit that saying an entire culture needs prayer can come across as pretty condescending.

And prayer to which deity? Given their personalities, a number of gods and goddesses may well side with the OP.

Yes but regular contact and a supportive network is not what OP has with this woman.

She could be that change.

I’m not sure that it’s very moral to depend on the unpaid labour of women, especially in this day and age.

I’d actually like to go and visit my GA socially. That would be in line with family values. Not visiting because I have to work for her for free, especially when she could pay professionals (also usually women, who are contributing to society/the economy and should be paid for their work!)

Great. So when the woman is burdened with all the personal care of distant relatives on top of all the child-rearing, cooking, cleaning and domestic admin the husband ‘steps-up’ and disappears even more into work, rendering him even more absent and leaving wife to wipe her mother-in-law’s arse.

And this is how historic gender roles developed and perpetuate. An endless cycle of sex-based expectations and prescriptions. Lucky none of your female children want to go to uni and become full-time engineers / teachers / doctors - as who will keep the family values. Won’t somebody think of the unknown great-aunt (clutches pearls).

No - your post suggested the OP help the aunt in return for a bequest. That's not family values, that's just grasping. Also the OP has already stated the aunt has made no effort to meet up with her mother never mind the OP herself.