To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

Again, we dont depend on women. The whole family helps the whole family. This thing where men do not cleaning or childcare is again, a your culture thing. It isnt the norm for many other cultures.

the other issue with family like this is the ones who are happy to criticise you etc until they need you then its a different story

Chinny rackon. 🤔

You yourself said that ‘men step up by working more to allow the woman not to work.’

So men are doing 50-50 of the unpaid caring labour for extended family whilst also doing the paid work of 2 people?

Okay. 😹

So what is your culture? Do you live in the UK?

...and I'll bet my house it's women doing all of this.

Who are these white British women who are always complaining to you?

Really?? After 46 years of living as a white British woman, being related to white British women, working with white British women and having white British women amongst my friends, I can honestly say I’ve never once heard a comment about the cleanliness of men’s anuses.

Be careful OP, you’re sounding a little racist / xenophobic now.

If you barely know her and have a lot of commitments it’s fine to say no.

And I say this as the spinster aunt who will be like your aunt at 80. She should have planned for this eventuality.

I think the rolling eyes were more focused on your mercenary attitude.

I don’t think helping somebody out in the hope of getting cash is a value to be admired.

And OP is already swamped.

Im sure the OP would be happy to pass on your details! She is a great aunt ie sister of a grandparent not an aunt. Not that that makes any difference if the OP doesnt want to she doesnt have to. The OPs DM cant volunteer her daughters time without her consent

Not in all cultures. And even thise where women do perform most personal care, the men step up in other ways such as working more to provide so their wife doesnt have to worry about bringing money in.

You’re just contradicting yourself now.

This isn’t a cultural issue. Plenty of my extended family and friends look after or call in on their relatives regularly, but these are people that they’ve spent time with for decades and have a relationship with.

No i said that might happen in some cultures routinely..I'll add that sometimes it might be the best way for that couple to support the person who needs help by alleviating the need for one of them to work.

I get that this might make you angry that others get to have this kind of mutually supportive network, but making things up isnt the way to deal with that.⁸

I see the usual “family values” debate is raging. As many others have pointed out, it was our grandmothers’s lot to not only look after all the children, but also any elderly infirm relatives, both their own and their husband’s.

But the world we live in now is different. There is the economic necessity which means that now most family must have both parents in full time work. But the other thing no one has mentioned yet is that infirmity used to (on average) be much shorter lived. People didn’t live as long full stop, and usually succumbed to their illness much quicker. We have a rapidly ageing population who are increasingly complex and comorbid. Caring for them becomes a full time job (and then some) which could go on for years.

Op - you have a mum problem. Offering up your services every other day without talking to you is wild. How would you even fit it in? How would you ever go on holiday? What happens if your circumstances change? What if your mother becomes unwell? Boggles the mind!

Ok spare us the cultural supremacy nonsense. Nobody cares how things work in your culture. (And especially one tends to be fairly sexist expectations imposed on women.)

The Great - Aunt clearly does nor adhere to those values which is she has not seen her great niece in 8 years. And barely before that. Sauce for the goose and all that.

If your culture is so incredibly supportive, amazing and in every way better than white British culture, why are you not replying as to what this absolutely incredible culture is?
And I would LOVE to know if you live in England, surrounded by dirty white men with smelly arses, you must find that repugnant!!

I think that’s a fairly shitty value.

One person doing more of X so the other person can do more of Y isn't a contradiction. It's a way of splitting tasks. If you were less focused on getting things exactly 50/50 where you both do the same jobs the same amount of times, you might actually feel less overwhelmed and resentful.

Yes in some cultures women have fewer rights, and are unable to go out of work and become financially independent, and have to look after older relatives whether they want to or not. I'm sure they don't need old people's homes in Afghanistan, but I'll take White British culture every day, thanks.

What i think will be shitty is when the OP gets the inheritance and spends it on her family.

What is my fairly sexist culture?

OP could offer to pray for her great aunt, that would save her the two-hour round trip and be of some kind of help?

Howling at chinny reckon btw. 🤣

Im saying since she will.lilely get money off of her, she might feel better if she does some caring when she is alive instead of just taking it when she dies.

This is a Your Mother problem. Can't her and her aunt live together or something... perhaps a better long-term plan... I'm sure your mother will love it <sarcasm>