To not want to help out my great aunt

[SooPanda]

AIBU to not want to help out my great aunt.

My great aunt (GA) has no children and her husband sadly died last year. In their 80s. Live about an hour away from me, it’s not an easy drive either.

Before her husband died they rarely saw us. We send cards at holidays but I probably haven’t seen her in 8+ years and she speaks to my DM on the phone maybe once every few months but never took up offers for visits.

Recently has been speaking to my DM saying that she needs help round the house with housework, meals, laundry etc and basically moaning that DM won’t help her - DM has bad knees and bad breathing and no longer drives long distances (it’s further from hers than mine) so DM has now told me (yes told, not asked) that I should be going round to my GA’s house every other day to help her out.
I wfh part time and have children in secondary and primary schools and frankly, even if I could carve out the time to do this, I’m not sure I really want to?!
AIBU to say no?!

This is all bonkers 😂

I would also bet that "the mysterious culture" is also changing in the original area/country of that culture due to modern life changes.
As I said before, I can see it live in one of these places where we have family.
Nowhere is "perfect"

Yes and I am sure the op is also very jealous that she doesn’t live in a culture where she isnt permitted to have a potentially interesting and fulfilling job and doesn’t have spare time for driving for hours and cleaning for someone she hardly knows, when there are far more practical time efficient options to provide this.

Why can’t she get a cleaner? Is it a financial issue?

Of course you shouldn't be guilt tripped into this. She should apply for attendance allowance and get cleaners or other help.

OP our local authority provides a list of approved and safety checked cleaning services and handy persons. Obviously she would have to pay, but if your council runs a similar scheme maybe that’s the starting point.

Also it’s a 2 hour round trip. That a big ask. Once every 2 months yes. Every other day absolutely not.

I very much doubt she would like to expand. Because that'd mean getting fact checked.

Your culture (whatever it is) needs manners.

She can pay but my DM said she doesn’t want her to have a cleaner because she has family to help (eg me and her - but she is incapable, so just me then!) but earlier on in the thread someone suggested DM would inherit from her so now there’s a suspicion in my mind that DM wants her to save her money. I will be suggesting that GA uses her money to get as much help as she needs and DM can quietly seethe about the money.

Your DM told you to help your GA every other day?
You don’t want to? Just say no. By all means suggest to your mum some ideas on how your GA can access some help but remind your mum you are busy with your own responsibilities.

Not everyone in my culture is of the same religious background or intensity. Some people will be mega against this things, others won't care, others will partake.

My ancestors were polytheists like most people's ancestors were.

@YoBetty

To be fair, it's probably not their entire culture that needs manners - just HateUGive themselves.

sometimes it might be the best way for that couple to support the person who needs help by alleviating the need for one of them to work.

Yep, we all know who that will be don’t we ? And it won’t be the one with the big important man job.

@TheHateUGive

Would you say that modern-day polytheists would be accepted/welcomed by your culture overall? Modern day witches and occultists? I realise that some individuals might not accept or welcome such things, but I'm trying to get an idea of what the general cultural attitude is.

OP once you start, it will never stop and it will get worse. Before you know it you will be next of kin and called for every medical, health and financial issue.

I agree that you could take an ‘advisory’ role. Help organise practical stuff and advise re PoA etc perhaps. It’s not a smart use of your time to be driving all that way just to clean the house., Not at all. Somebody else can do that.

I am from a culture where nobody puts their older people in homes. Children are expected to look after their elderly parents. That model is unsustainable now. We don’t all live near each other, people have inflexible jobs, life is expensive, transport can be costly and difficult, and children seem to need more input than ever before. As others have said, this model puts so much pressure largely on the womenfolk. It can create guilt, conflict and possible MH issues in the sandwich generation who have to do everything. Not for all families, but for many it is just too much now.

I am lucky. I do quite a lot ad hoc for my parents. But only when I can. We have organised a cleaner and we do their financial admin However, my mum texts me every week to say that she knows how busy I am and to get lots of rest and to look after the kids and to relax. She always says I do not have to text her or visit. Of course I do but it is easier because she does not expect me to somehow. She is an elderly Asian woman in her 80s, but she gets how things have changed. Previous family systems do not always work here today and she recognises that, and judges no one.

With respect OP, tell your mum to jog on and stop volunteering you for things unnecessarily. If she needs and cleaner and can afford to pay for one then that’s what she should do. Just because you’re ‘family’ doesn’t mean you should light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm !!

Again it depends on the individual they seek acceptance from and would be dictated by their religious background. It isnt something that everyone from my cultural background would feel the same about. Some people would see it as Devil business, others would want to be involved.

Whoever earns more usually.

Absolutely bizarre. Not to mention a derail.

Out of interest, does your great aunt have any nephews or great nephews? Have any men in your family been approached to help?

So there isn't an overall cultural attitude - it's purely down to individuals?

It is encouraging that some people would welcome and celebrate those things.

So fact checking then.

I noticed with interest that you didn't mention witchcraft in the post asking you about it. I wondered if the poster had done that deliberately, given how many cultures there are where witchcraft accusations are used disproportionately against people who are a net resource drain, like the elderly and orphans. Naturally if you were from one of those it might not assist your point much.

@ThreadGuardDog

In fairness, @TheHateUGive is responding to me - I brought the matter up.

UK culture used to be more like that when married women with children didn't work and when religion was more mainstream in society.

OP hardly knows this great-aunt who didn't bother with OP when she was a child. They don't live near each other and OP works and has children. Her mum is cheeky expecting OP to travel every other day to do caring duties for an old woman that she hardly knows. I agree with people that it's OP's mum that is worried about inheriting from her aunt so is trying to bully and guilt-trip OP into becoming an unpaid carer to protect her mum's inheritance.

I bet that in your culture, as was the case in the UK when older people were normally cared for by their families, that all the caring activities were the responsibility of the women in the family. There are no expectations that men will step up to provide hands-on care for the elderly relatives, even the male ones. It's all left up to the women. Thankfully, OP has the guts to refuse.