AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

This. And some people can't do all these wonderful KIND things that @CunningLinguist2 does because they have commitments like their children, their other family members (like elderly parents,) and A JOB!!!

So your parents would expect you to take 2+ hours out of your full working day, 4 times, and you'd do it, for someone who you barely know & who hasn't exactly been very neighbourly to you?

My dad was a kind, good samaritan type and was completely taken advantage of. I remember him picking up one neighbour when her car had broken down because her husband was watching the football. It drove my mum mad. I think that expecting you to do four two hour trips in a month is taking the mick. She has children and a partner. It isn't your job to reorganise your schedule to accommodate her.

I’m your latter paragraph and work full time. I also WFH most days. I’ve had over 30 years in the workforce including my own business. My parents both worked too, and had kids. The OP must absolutely do what’s right for her, but I do also think we’ve become incredibly detached from one another as a society and lost touch with the instinct that would kick in down the line that an initial period of good faith kindness was now being taken advantage of, and prompt us to set boundaries.

What a CF.
Her children are at work so they can’t do it. But you are at work.

The problem is when you offer to help / do something, it then just spirals. We used to help out an elderly neighbour. Started off just doing the bins. Long story short social services asked if I would be her carer. Unpaid. Twice a day, get her up and washed and dressed etc put her to bed, sort meals. Surprisingly I said no.

Other neighbour, helped out with bins etc. she’s now v frail and needs more help. Her daughter asked (not out right though, just many, many hints) if I would cook meals for her every evening. I didn’t pick up on the hints and just said how much more difficult my parents were finding it all too now they’re so much older.

Bottom line, I am not willing to rearrange meetings, have to work later, work more on other days or miss things with my children for a neighbour I hardly know. These things aren’t particularly difficult as my job is flexible and my husband would pick up the slack with the kids, but they are only things I’d be prepared to so for family and friends

I really cant imagine giving this so much thought, "no Im working then" covers it.

It's almost like some women have a JOB and have to WORK isn't it?

And what is 'our generation' anyway? You have no idea of the ages or 'generation' that the various posters are.

We've lost our social instinct = many women are finding it easier to say no and be used as a free taxi.

@Gwennathe OP doesn’t really know this woman, who has her own family and partner; maybe they should rearrange their day instead of expecting OP to take two hours out her day when she works FT. Honestly ppl are demented on Mn.

They wouldn’t expect me to but maybe my upbringing was just different to yours 🤷‍♀️

Yes this is where the social instinct kicks in and prompts the boundaries. People have lost touch with that increasingly.

Funny that because I am also one of those women who works too! So did my mum, so did my dad. The social skills I talk about give me the ability to read the room and have a fair idea of the generations who use this site. Crack on.

Maybe she already has though?

hang on, I am retired from paid employment, also no kids. That doesn't mean that I am not busy or that I am free and able to chauffeur people around. "Retired = at a loose end" is as stupid as "WFH=at a loose end"

Yes, I realised too late about the two-hour trip. However, OP has said quite clearly that they would have refused even if the journey had just been 20 minutes.

Quite possibly the neighbour just saw that OP doesn’t go out to work and didn’t know or understand about WFH.

I still don’t think the neighbour was being a CF to ask. And I still think, judging by what OP has said, she could have found out more about why they needed to ask, explained why, regretfully, she couldn’t do it and maybe even offered to do one trip. If the requests became demanding, that would be the time to draw back and shut the neighbour down.

I'm not a religious person and often fall short of my own ideals, but I do believe that a bit of kindness makes the world a much better place.

If we all went back to be friendly and civilised we would all benefit from it !
Being busy but u could of managed to juggle and do it but your choosing not too why is that ? (U did say this in your first post )
I find it odd why u wouldn't help a neighbour !
I don't know my neighbours well but if they need a lift to hospital every week for 4 weeks I would do it she must be having some kind of treatment !

oh that's wonderful, I am sure the OP can put you in touch with her neighbour and you can do it.

Is it that your response sounded abrupt and like you didn’t even consider helping?

I feel like if you said ‘I’m sorry I work full time and have some kids end of term events over the next couple of weeks that I’m already taking time off so I won’t be able to help. I can help you arrange a taxi or patient transport if you like?’ Or if you just said ‘no I can’t help’ sound very different.

Of course "retired" doesn’t mean "at a loose end", but it does mean that most if not all of your commitments are normally of your own choosing, rather than being necessary to earn the money to live.

Any need for replies like these ?
Your part of the problem !

I cannot believe that your neighbour will not expect her own children to do this because they're working, but expects you, an unrelated person, to do it during your working hours.

It seems like most of MN have no clue what WFH is. You're not your own boss, you can be responsible for a phone line, you have meetings and a boss monitoring your online status and productivity. I feel less free to go to the loo or get a drink WFH, I never even thought about it when I was in the office.

What's more, when you have children and your own parents, all the favours, flexibility and goodwill is already used up!

@IGotDreams It's the whole setup that smells of CFuckery to me. Like the actual planning a month ahead. Like who does this? Well done for staying firm. I think you would have said yes if it had been a one time immediate favour and the neighbour was desperate though? Like I once asked a neighbour to drive me to get my then 14 y old son who had had a fit at Mils. Dh away and I didn't have a car neither did Mil. Neighbour knew my son as she alqo has a disabled child (adult not living at home) we had talked a bit. It was a 5 minute drive there and 5 home and she came with me for 5 minutes because my son calms down a little when someone else is there. So she took 15 minutes and it meant so much to me. I went and bought her chocolates the next day. It really felt as she saved us from drama that day. But.. she lives with her partner, no kids, was off work otherwise I wouldn't have dared to ask.
I have helped neighbours out with feeding cats/plants, fetching kids from school, bringing in parcels etc but it has never felt too much. Like it's time limited so not something on a regular basis kind of thing. I'm lucky my neighbours aren't CF and we all show appreciation in different ways for help.

Was the paper shop an hour away? And was your husband expected to take two hours out of his working day to collect it?

Because I don’t have the desire to rearrange my day, meetings, mess my colleagues around, work later, miss time with my kids, cause extra work for my partner and all the rest, for someone who I’m not close to. I’ve said this already. There is a difference between the effort I’d go to for family/friends who I am close to and love, than what I’m prepared to do for someone who I hardly know just because she happens to lives by me. She has her own village to ask or a business like Uber is perfect for this situation. Inconveniencing someone you hardly know when you have an alternative isn’t something I’d do.

I’m repeating myself though.

But presumably that didn't take him two hours...

This is a TOTALLY different situation and an emergency and I would absolutely help with this.
Not cheeky at all. An emergency is ALWAYS different