AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Exactly. I work from home (3 days a week,) and I bring the bins in of 3 of my neighbours. Busy working single mum with 3 kids, one elderly couple, and one middle aged couple who work. They're just all in close proximity to me, and I take theirs up their driveways, then bring mine in as soon as they have been collected. On the occasions I am out when it's collected, one of the neighbours does it. (Brings in all 4 bins as I do.) As you say, it takes no time at all. Takes less than 5 minutes out of my day, to bring all 4 bins in (the 3 of them + mine!)

I find it really odd that people are comparing 'bringing the bin up the driveway' and 'taking the odd package in' to FOUR 2-hour trips in the car, wear and tear on the car, the petrol you'd use, the time you'd need to take off work, and the fact you barely know the woman, and she also has several relatives who could do it but are making excuses.

Mumsnet batshittery at its finest. As has been said, the people saying they would do it in a heartbeat, and you are just a 'big ole meanie' almost certainly do not work (and most of them probably never have.)

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I've raised my kids the same. Probably too much so. They will pick people up from the airport, order ubers for people, collect and drive people to family events. These are all family or close friends though so I don't know what their answer would be in OP's situation. They would def say yes to once, I know that, which is I feel a fair compromise.

'That's kind of what neighbours are for' ???

Are you for real? I certainly didn't sign any documents acknowledging that I'd be on call to help my neighbours when I bought my house. A neighbour is just someone you are near to, there's no other implication.

And before you ask, my neighbours and I do share bin duties, taking in parcels etc and I believe we'd help each others out in an emergency (not yet tested), but OP hasn't described an emergency. She's described a series of routine appointments. And she's right to say no.

Sometimes you absolutely need neighbours to help. But I think asking for 4 x 2 hour round trips is a huge ask.

I've relied on my neighbours more than they've relied on me, couple of times they've done afterschool pickup for me, as we've been caught in traffic or had a car breakdown. I still owe massively for the day my toddler got injured and needed hospital care (he ended up with an operation) .

But emergency help is different, if either neighbours asked for a bit help in emergency. I'd have no issues helping. But I don't think i could accommodate 4 x 2 hour round trips.

I work from home. I have to complete a timesheet accounting for every minute of my time. There is definitely no time code I could use for taking a neighbour to an appointment for 2 hours. I would have to take leave.

My lovely MIL started to help a Friend out with hospital visits. To start with it was just an occasional visit but it's now an almost weekly occurrence and Friend gives her a list of her appointments and it's expected that she can accommodate.

MIL seems happy to help with the 2 hour round trip but it impacts on her days, even though she is retired. She offered to help with the first visit but now it's become expected of her, and she stays with Friend inside the hospital whilst waiting for appointment etc so it's often a big chunk of her day.

What annoys me though is that Friend never offers to pay for fuel or even parking at the hospital - we know she's in receipt of attendance allowance which would cover these kind of expenses and she seems fairly well-off. MiL is too nice to ask (all she does is say that petrol has increased in the hope that Friend takes the hint - but she never does of course) or refuse to do the driving.

I don't blame OP for refusing a random neighbour who already has family that should step up - it might just be 4 visits to start with but that could soon increase and it would be expected of OP to continue to help. If OP's parents are that concerned they should be offering to do the lift.

Would I help someone who needed help? Yes.

Wow, I would never raise my kids to think they need to be chief cook and bottle washer and chauffeur and maid to anyone who asks. You're setting them up for a life of being used by people. Why on earth are they doing all this for people? I will bet a month's salary that people don't do the same for them. (Though I'm sure you'll say people do....)

My neighbour used to expect this, and she's become quite cold with me after a few declined offers for coffee during the day. I think she thinks I'm a snob, but I'm in the same situation as you - I WFH and when she pops over at 10 on a Wednesday I can't just go around. She used to knock at my front door, and if I didn't answer it (e.g. I'm in a meeting, doing a presentation, or on an important call) she'd go around to my back door and call out to me. Some people just don't understand WFH!

I mean WTAF> 😂

Where I come from (Liverpool) that wouldn’t be much of an ask at all. And it’s not permanent in this case either - it’s for a finite amount of time. YABU OP but it’s ok, people are increasingly afraid to help each other these days and becoming quite isolated in their little boxes houses.

I’m a product of this era too to an extent and can be quite insular sometimes, despite my background and the fact that I know my dad would have done that for a neighbour back in the day without question. Still the same up there today in most areas.

We’ve become a little too paranoid about our boundaries and somewhat afraid of other people in many respects these days, OP! I think we’ve lost trust in our social instinct which will naturally kick in down the line once help needs to stop, and instead we get overly cerebral at the outset! We’re a very anxious generation methinks 😁💖

Basically some people are saying

"Be a servant and a free chauffeur service to anyone who asks - to make sure you will have someone TO TAKE YOUR BIN IN when you're ill!"

😆

This place is reaching a new level of batshit! 😂

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I hardly know this woman. We wave when we see her and she will wave back. The conversations I’ve had have been about the weather, her parcels, she once asked me if we could keep a space free as her partner was delivering some furniture to her house. I only know her name because it’s on the parcels we took for her! When we introduced ourselves when we moved in, she didn’t tell us her name, she just said hello and talked about unpacking. That is fine by us, but I’m just trying to set the picture that she makes friendly conversation but has never wanted to be involved. We are busy people, I presume most people are the same so it’s fine by us.

So no, I don’t do favours that are anymore than taking in a parcel type stuff for neighbours like that. We have never had neighbours that we have had lots to do with, probably because we are all busy and don’t have the time to become friends even if we wanted to. So no. I would never ask for help from a neighbour. If I need help, I ask family, friends or pay someone. I don’t feel close enough to neighbours to ask favours. We have had neighbours ask to lend things and we have obliged because it’s been quick and easy. This favour isn’t that.

Exactly this. Also, the vast majority of pharmacies will deliver meds to you if you are unable to get them

You’re right, many people don’t. It’s a relatively new concept. Maybe you need to explain it to your neighbour so she knows you’re not just ignoring her deliberately.

@Dansangry read OPs comments; it’s a 2 hour round trip, she works FT from home,
it’s not a nice thing to do, neighbour is being a CF of the highest order.

This. I‘m glad my mum has good neighbours and friends around her because I live 2 hours away and don’t drive. It’s definitely our generation that are weird in this way because the OP’s parents sound just like mine. We’ve lost a lot of our social instinct.

Oh don't be silly. There's no reason to think they don't work.

For a start, it's easy enough to read just the OP's posts. Just click 'see all' on one of their posts.

Also, she said she still wouldn't do it even if it was just a 15 minute drive. So what? She is entitled to say no. No. Matter. What.

Or should she be saying yes because she's a WOMAN, and she should #BEKIND?!

Do me a favour! 🙄

There really is..................... Some people clearly have a lot of time on their hands.

People are weird about hospital appointments and airport runs for some reason. I would NEVER ask someone to do either - especially not a 4am airport pickup - and honestly cannot understand all the fuss about it. Just get a cab / public transport!
I might have said yes as a one off I guess but only if it didnt clash with something I had on already. I probably would have offered to call them a taxi if they were elderly or something.
I genuinely think its cheeky to ask!

We're pretty chatty with neighbours and all do parcels, bins when away, kids play sometimes etc. So closer than the average probably. But even then I don't think those of us who work would have the annual leave to spare, not least because a lot of people already have other caring responsibilities for family members.

So anyone who disagrees with OP doesn't work and probably never has? Do you not see how stupid that is?
I am 100% with OP on this but I find that kind of hyperbole and superiority from the pp ridiculous.

100% nailed it. And the OP has also confirmed that she has got ZERO PMs from the virtue signallers offering their services! 😂

I've tried, but she really doesn't seem to understand that it's real work and not a hobby job or something. I'm hardly slamming the door in her face! When I was able to go down to answer the door I would tell her that I was sorry, but I was working and couldn't come around.