AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Unless your inbox is full of kindly PMs stating their location and offering to do the work, I think you can safely assume that these people are just virtue-signalling keyboard warriors.

I like you OP. Stick to your guns. All this "kindness" is regularly taken as "weakness" and you'll be expected, in future, to be the go to. A 2 hour round trip for you is frankly unattainable and I think she had a front for asking you given the circumstances and relationship you have. Had she approached in a different way " sorry to trouble you, I know we're not close but....." then you can maybe have a bit of leeway but as this didn't happen, I'd have done the same.

Whether it was a few minutes or hours, she can get an uber!!!!! 😂

So a 2 hour trip every week x 4 would mean 8 hours of AL I’d need to book to be free to take my neighbour to hospital. That’s a days AL when it already gets used up in school holidays. Also a days AL used up when my neighbour has a partner and kids who somehow can’t organise it well enough so they can help their own partner and mother get to hospital and back.
I would do (and do do this) for my father who has a lot of appointments. My mother and sister cant drive so can’t take him. He’s my dad though, happy to help. A neighbour (and our neighbours are lovely), nope I wouldn’t. A one off Eme yes, a weekly commitment, no.

I know this will shock you, but I have the grand total of zero PMs. 😮

If I were her adult children I'd be a bit embarrassed by saying I can't take you mum I have to work, why not ask your neighbour who works and has kids, who you barely know, to do it instead.

This thread is ridiculous.

That can't be right. people were DESPERATE to go out of their way to help this random woman weren't they?

I. AM. TOTALLY. STUNNED.

STUNNED, I TELLS YOU.

Two points stand out to me.

Her children, where do they live and why can't they do it? If she says 'work', you obviously said 'well, that is the same reason for me - 'work'

Second point... if she is having some sort of treatment and it is a 2 hour round trip, surely you have to hang around waiting for her, and it will be over half a day doing this!

One particular set of neighbours we are friendly with, they visited my DH in hospital to give me a break and we socialise at the pub. I am retired so I would probably have done it. But NO WAY with children at home, WFH and all of that!

Maybe PMs are broken, it’s the only explanation. I’ll start a thread in site stuff right away. 😂

Well, yes, she could, but as you don’t know what’s wrong with her, then personally I’d have been possibly open to helping if it was 5 minutes away - but no, not for two hours out of my day.

This would be my concern, as people start to take advantage. I would certainly do it, if able, for neighbours that I am friends with.

The fact that she was shocked at your reply already shows that it was expected.

OP i have read your responses and genuinely think theyre all reasonable, sensible and understandable.

I completely agree to where possible avoid unkindness, and you know helping people is nice but its not nice to feel used, or CF expectations. Id take in a parcel, I might bring in a bin but id have said no. But I have a neighbour who needs a guarantor when he moves soon - would i help? No, would he even have the cheek to ask? No. A neighbour whos car broke down whos causally said theyre bussing to work for 2 weeks til its fixed - would I drive her instead? No, would she have the cheek to ask? No.

You are just honest. I could do it, but it would be a bigger inconvenience than just the drive, and I dont want to for a casual acquaintance is a completely reasonable response. Id be exactly the same. A friend, family - no hestitation. Inconvenience is fine for them. A causal acquaintance - only in an emergency i.e I need help getting to a+e now.

I don’t understand how it would be any better to ask me, who she hardly knows, than to just get an uber. If she can sit in my car, she can sit in any car. I don’t understand inconveniencing someone you don’t know, when there is a business that provides what you need.

Absolutely virtue signalling

If you have the time, flexibility and inclination to do that - lovely for you. But making your definition of kindness an exceptation for others isnt kind. Judging someone for prioritising who they have capacity to help isnt kind.

And if you feel that strongly why stop there. I bet there will be at least one needy individual happy to have you chauffer them about with hot drinks every mile between you and this old neighbour you could support on route

@IGotDreams your stance was the correct one.😁

Id never ask favours from a neighbour

Well there you have it. I would hate for any of my neighbours to feel like that.

How can OP give any understanding if the neighbour doesn't tell her any of this? As far as we're aware, the neighbour asked, OP explained why she couldn't do it, and the neighbour walked off. The neighbour could have explained why she was asking someone she barely knows. And I'm pretty sure that reason would be because the OP works from home and therefore is free to come & go exactly as she pleases

This is the issue I took with this as well.

Not the drive (which turned out to be two hours a few posts later) or the middle of the work day, or the general "I cant fit it in" etc - all totally underdtandable reasons why someone would decline to help.

It was the sneery, what kind of saddo asks their neighbours for favours/help? Neighbours?! I would never..... inference that I thought unkind.

Neighbours are simply people who bought/ rent/ were put in the house next to you.If you become friends that's great but you are not obliged to be involved in their lives.

I can’t vote without knowing more details. How far is it/how long would it take you? What is it that you would otherwise be "busy" doing?

Many older people find Ubers and cabs too worrying to use on their own.

Yes, you’re entitled to refuse. But unless there’s a really good reason why you can’t do it, I think you’re being unkind and unneighbourly. I imagine that they wouldn’t have asked you unless they felt they really needed to. It would have been a nice way to demonstrate to your DC the important things in life. You could always have said no later, if they started making demands after the 4 weeks.

The NDN sounds like a bit of a chancer………coming to the OP’s door, chatting casually and asking about a lift ……….sounds like she went off in a huff which I see as entitled attitude tbh.

The NDN was probably asking the OP in the hope that she would do it at no charge and save NDN the public transport/Uber fare.

Some years ago I lived quite close to a small garden centre - walking distance actually - but I wanted some bags of compost so decided to use the car that day. Just leaving the parking area to our block of flats I spotted two neighbours who I discovered were also going to the GC. I offered them a lift despite knowing they were capable of walking the short distance……thought it was a friendly, neighbourly thing to do……..both got in the back of the car, moaned about the lack of leg room and one of them had the fucking nerve to light a cigarette! No more lifts from me……EVER!

Gosh, no, you’re not being unreasonable. A 2 hour round trip? Her children can bring her back but not take her - that doesn’t make any sense at all, I suspect you’d soon get requests to hang around and take her back. And the month would turn into forever. No, just no.

I’ve done my own mum’s hospital lifts and that was a bind and I really loved her. I would not dream of asking my busy mum-of-3 neighbour to do this for me.

A 60 should have the resources to make her own arrangements. This is hardly vulnerable old person territory.

Plus, she does sound like a bit of knob.

Think you’ve somewhat reimagined the scene there..