AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

One of my new colleagues told me he takes his elderly neighbour to a hospital appointment regularly and I thought it was a really lovely thing to do. Yes I would help them out if I could.

I’ll clarify (although I did say this on my post) - I’d do it if it was possible outside working hours.

OP only latterly said it was a two-hour round trip. I couldn’t do that and would have told neighbour so.

20 minutes into the nearest town? Possible, depending on appointment time. I would have said if I could drop them off at 8am even if their appointment was at 10am and they can choose to sit around.

I do think this thread has shown two schools of thought to neighbourly relationships - people who won’t take a parcel, help with a bin / water plants / feed a cat ‘just because’ the stranger happens to live in proximity, and those who do see small actions as building good relations. For clarity this particular lift situation is NOT a small action, now that we know the details.

And nothing wrong with being totally self sufficient and not asking any favours of neighbours or others.

But there are always posts on here such as ‘can’t you ask a friend or family member or neighbour to help out with an emergency’ - watch elder DC while you take a smaller one to A&E or whatever - and creating the circumstances where that’s possible relies on good neighbourliness.

It has been a very long time since the OP has clarified it is 2 hours, there are still numerous very keenly kind posters saying they would be falling over themselves to do it. So it's not "initially" any more, is it?

Either the kind posters are incapable of reading the OP's posts in their eagerness to signal their virtue, or they have some plan in mind for rearranging work and other commitments for 2 hours per week and being such virtuous people, would never dream of diddling their AL allowance.

a one off would have been ok but a regular event is a bit too much

Most pharmacies have a delivery service for patients who are house-bound. Also, popping to the pharmacy to collect medication for a neighbour is something that can probably be done out of work hours and wouldn't take much time. OP is being asked to do four 2-hour trips during work time meaning that she would need to take annual leave, which is very precious when you have children. The neighbour didn't even offer petrol money either.

I would pick up a prescription for neighbour. I certainly wouldn't do four round trips for a neighbour I hardly knew who has adult children and a partner. The neighbour told OP that her son couldn't take her because he had work yet she expected OP, who also has work, to do this huge favour.

Not everyone will read all of the thread. Though OP has also said she wouldn't do it even if it was 15 minutes so how long it would take doesn't seem to be overly relevant anyway.

I would offer to do 1 of them, but that’s it. It was a bit much to ask you to do 4!! I am good neighbour btw.

Reminds me of my great-aunt who would always ask my retired mother for lifts telling her that her own dc were always so busy& important. Like my Mums time wasn't half as important as theirs.

It's blindingly obvious that most of the kind posters are not interested in reading the thread 😂

She was probably rude because she's stressed - a medical condition which needs regular trips to the hospital, let down by her family & friends which is practically frustrating but also hurtful for her... So her response wasn't just a response to you saying no, but a response to her whole situation. That's fine to say no, it doesn't work for you, but at least lend her some understanding.

On another note, it's wonderful to have neighbours, particularly when you move away from your home community.

Maybe you should read OP's posts. It's a 2-hour round trip when OP is working. This woman has a partner and adult children but apparently her son has work so can't take her. OP also has work but apparently, according to many other posters, she should use her annual leave to help this woman that she hardly knows but there is no obligation on this woman's own son to do this.

I do help neighbours with taking parcels in, watering plants, keeping an eye on the house whilst they are on holiday, help friends with school pick ups if I'm not working but I wouldn't be able to take 2+ hours out of a work day for 4 weeks. I have kids and no help with childcare so I'm doing the school run and working. I have to make the hours up and the days are long anyway. OP's parents want to help her to help with the neighbour, they don't help with the school runs! They don't have friends either, but OP does have friends and helps them out.

@IGotDreams
I think in this situation I would have said sorry I can't do all four lifts, but I can do 1 or maybe 2 lifts. That way I'd be showing willing to help, without commiting to all 4.
I would recognise that a hospital appointment once a week for 4 weeks would mean the neighbour is likely to be getting a course of treatment for a health condition with their hospital team.
If your neighbour has adult children, they are old enough to be of a generation where people did used to help out their neighbours. I often feel sorry for the older generation in this sense, because neighbours really did used to step in for support, whereas nowadays we all live in a very closed off way from our neighbours, as you have proved.

Most of my work meetings are 30 minutes and meetings are back to back a lot of the time. For a 2 hour trip, it could impact possibly 4-6 meetings on a meeting heavy day. Those meetings would need to be rearranged which takes time in itself, finding a time when everyone else is available again and then the meeting will actually have to happen on another day. x4 days. If it’s not a meeting heavy day, I would be missing time producing documents etc, which I’d have to catch up on at another time, impacting on other work or family time.

It’s possible that I would also miss end of term things with my children, possibly not be able to get my children from school to take them to activities.

All of that could be done without too much difficulty, because my job is flexible and my husband is very supportive, and if it was to help out a friend or family member, I would do it and have done in the past. I’m not prepared to have my life impacted in the same way for a stranger, especially when if all else fails, she has the option of an uber.

An uber would get her to the hospital, except it wouldn’t impact on me, my colleagues, my partner and children. This is not the same as bringing a bin in.

I think it's totally normal to do small favours for neighbours, or help out in emergencies. 2 hour round trips for several weeks, not an emergency and other options available, is not something most people would consider a small favour though.

Ah you work from home! That's why she has asked. She thinks you can just magically take time out of your working day whenever you want.

OP I'm like you. I wouldn't dream of asking this. I'd ask family MAYBE (if I was really unwell) but otherwise I'd figure it out myself eg bus, taxi, patient transport, or whatever else I could make work BEFORE I considered asking someone.

Good for you sticking to your "no".

The distance to the hospital makes your refusal ok. If it was a few minutes away it would be different, but I see why you don’t want 2hrs taken out of your day.

However, in your position, I would make a point of explaining further to the neighbour if she walked away before you could. Just explain you can’t take two hours out of your working day and even if you could, you couldn’t commit to doing so for 4 weeks as you have meetings (or whatever).

YANBU. The neighbour has obviously got adult children who can help … if they can bring her home, then they can get her there as well. I might think differently if this was someone who didn’t have anyone else at all to help them out. Your time will come to be running around after your own ageing parents without worrying about a neighbour that you hardly know.

And aside from that, once a week for four weeks is a pretty big commitment. I’d probably feel differently about a one-off.

I wouldn't describe that as not too difficult personally which is why there may have been a mix up at first. Though you have explained enough times now and I appreciate that.

I initially said I'd do it due to what you said in the OP but with everything you've added, I would've said no too.

Did she spare a thought for what was happening in my life? No. We are actually dealing with quite a lot at the moment. She didn’t even ask how we all were. She talked about the weather, commented on my car looking shiny and then launched into her request. I said no because of work, kids and life being very busy and she walked off. When you are asking for a favour, especially from someone you aren’t close to, it helps to be polite.

This thread has only made me stronger in my original position. So many entitled, cheeky people around.

I wouldn’t class it as difficult because I wouldn’t think twice for family and friends, I’d do it with very little hesitation. The relationship with the person asking makes the difference though. I’m prepared to do far more for family and friend, which is standard in my world.

Even if she didn’t have anyone, there is uber, rather than inconvenience someone you hardly know.

@IGotDreams if you'd had said in your first post its a 2 hour round trip then most would habe voted YANBU.

Missing out crucial information was a bit of an error.

She cannot expect you to take 2 hours out of your day. Surely she can get public transport?

I would maybe take a neighbour in an emergency, I.e. injured and needs A&E but i wouldnt agree to weekly lifts for 4 weeks. I think its CF territory.. she could ask her actual friends, other relatives, take a taxi or a bus.

And similarly, unless a neighbour was also an actual friend (i have one friend who coincidently lives nearby) i wouldnt dream of asking for 4 scheduled weekly lifts.

I’ve already said I wouldn’t have done it if the hospital was only a 20 minute drive so it’s irrelevant that it’s an hour away. I only provided that information as I was asked it.

Bottom line, I am not willing to rearrange meetings, have to work later, work more on other days or miss things with my children for a neighbour I hardly know. These things aren’t particularly difficult as my job is flexible and my husband would pick up the slack with the kids, but they are only things I’d be prepared to so for family and friends

It Is interesting to see different views and what is behind them. It’s only a shame some people have been rude and are willing to attack me, over a woman who hasn’t exactly been polite.