AIBU to refuse weekly lifts to a neighbour's hospital appointments?

[IGotDreams]

We have lived in our house for 4 years and know the neighbours to say hello to, taken a parcel in for them occasionally, we chat sometimes but we don’t know them well. We are friendly but not friends. We are busy with work, kids and general life.

One of the neighbours has asked if we can take her to a hospital appointment once every week for the next 4 weeks. One of their adult children can apparently bring her home.

Technically we could do it if we moved things around without too much difficulty, but as we don’t know her well, we said no. She looked shocked when we said we couldn’t help and she walked away without saying goodbye.

I mentioned it to my parents in passing last week and they said I should have said I’d help but I explained we are busy and she can make other arrangements. When I spoke to my parents last night, they asked me if I had changed my mind and was going to help the neighbour out. I said no and that we hadn’t even thought/spoke about it since as we are busy. My mum said I should be willing to help people more. I disagreed. We are busy and have enough going on with our own family and friends and that the neighbours aren’t my responsibility. In my neighbours situation, I wouldn’t ask for help from neighbours who we hardly know.

Would you have helped? I won’t be changing my mind and helping but wondered if people would generally be more helpful than me. I did say to my parents that they could help my neighbours out if they wanted to but apparently it isn’t there place to. They said they would do it for their own neighbours if asked.

Her own family are to busy to take her so no way should the onus be on you to take her
You took the correct stance.
If you'd said yes I think that would have been a green light to hound you if her family were busy or you're the easy next door option.

Well lucky you. You have friends & family. I have been a single parent in a new area, desperate for a prescription med to be collected and in agonising pain. I didn’t have anyone else to ask. And my neighbour just said no. She didn’t think how desperate must FedAndWatered be when she is asking me. It was horrible.

Will you always be able to take your own bin in? Are you confident you will never have a dose of flu or a major operation or that your needs are not dynamic in life?

I wouldn’t and couldn’t do a two hour round trip to a hospital in my working week either. I wouldn’t have the time.

@FedAndWatered OPs neighbour has a partner, adult kids and friends so nothing like what you describe. OP has said she would have helped if her neighbour had been let down in the day so read the thread and wind your neck in.

She could help herself and get an uber. Instead she wants to use OP as her uber.

That’s so bloody cheeky of her to ask. You aren’t friends, you’re acquaintances. Her adult children need to rearrange their schedules or book holiday from work if they’re that desperate. Or pay for a taxi like any normal person would do. The absolute audacity. Don’t feel guilty in the slightest.

It’s really not your neighbours problem. How entitled. Pack up your kids, walk to the chemist or get a taxi. It’s unfortunate but you cant expect a neighbour to help every single time you ask them.

Perhaps her children have encouraged her to ask a friendly neighbor, to save themselves a few hours. She didn’t want to do that, and reacted with ‘right’ out of embarrassment.

Anyway its more than a 2 hr trip. There’ll be faffing around at the drop off… is she frail, will you need to park up in the multistory, escort her slowly to the front door of hospital, even help her check in? Hoping she doesn’t trip or sth in the meantime, leaving you to deal with that. That’s 3 hrs min. X4 days…is a day and a half of your AL.

Oh bless her, she must be well stuck to have been to ask a neighbour who isn't particularly friendly.

I wouldn't have given a flat no, I would have said I'd discuss with my dh and see what we could do.
If we had been able to, we would have helped out because that is the type of people we are.

I regularly visit my old neighbour who I moved away from 11 years ago. We became friends through me helping her out one summer.

Yes. Hospital transport is very difficult to access - the patient has to be frail and nearly unable to walk to qualify. Voluntary driver/car schemes get booked up way in advance. I had to get a taxi to hospital for suspected cancer test about 3 years ago and tried to use public transport on way home but bus did not turn up so another taxi trip with 4 strangers at bus stop and then a bus for the last part of journey. Total cost was c£96 - a lot on state pension.

We can all feel confident that we've got taxi fares, family and friends to help but life can change radically and so quickly. Just something to bear in mind.

I would have helped if i could. If it clashed with anything important that had to be rearranged, i would think about it, but as it's only four lifts with a fixed endpoint, i would help out if possible.
It's called being neighbourly. Before we all became obsessed with how busy we were, it used to be A Thing.

Perhaps the root of it is OP's neighbour (and many kind posters) just really don't understand that WFH is working.

People wouldn't ask an acquaintance to just take 2 hours every week out of their shift in Sainsbury's or their job in a bank as AL. People who assemble widgets in a factory or answer enquiry lines aren't going to 'in a heartbeat' agree to pop off for 2 hours every week without needing to request AL.

Or maybe people would?

I'd be interested if the kind posters would clarify. I see a lot of words about kindness and community but unless I've missed it, nobody has explained that they personally would go about rearranging work and childcare commitments, requesting time off from the managers out of their AL allowance, or otherwise making up the time/workload at other times (with resulting impact on home life).

No it's not your problem. But what a horrible response to someone in need if help.
I sometimes think there is no hope for society.

Are People forgetting the neighbour has a partner and children??
they should be sorting an alternative not expecting a neighbour to do a 2 hour trip x4.

Quite a few posters have told OP that she must help because the neighbour is probably having chemotherapy. If that were the case, I'm pretty sure that her partner or adult children could ask their employers for time off on compassionate grounds. Employers would grant this for a close relative such as a mother or spouse/partner. People on here just love to make stuff up in order to give the OP a kicking.

It’s not necessarily “a problem” to help someone out though.
I’m a sort myself out person but I have no problem helping out people or offering help. It’s been amazing when someone’s gone out of their way to help me even if I didn’t ask.

If I had to do any of that then I wouldn't have described it as just moving around a few things without great difficulty as OP did. That is what some people initially responded to.

As I've said before, if OP hadn't mentioned that she could move things around without great difficulty but had mentioned it was a 2 hour round trip then I think the thread would probably be quite different.

Good for you. I can’t. I leave before the bin men come so it’s great that a neighbour has pulled them in so we can all drive into the close rather than having to stop on the road to move them. I do the same if I wfh on bin day 🤷‍♀️

If I could do it I would. I like to live in a society where people help each other. Fast forward 40 years and you might need the help of a neighbour.

You have your own people in your life to look out for and you’re busy working amongst other things. She has people too, so needs to ask them or just order an uber. Some people are cheeky, despite the excuses made here for them. It would piss me off that the reason her kids can’t do it is because they’re working, but you’re working! She’s entitled.

Asking a neighbor for a 2-hour round-trip drive is asking a lot, especially to do it for four weeks (a total of 8 hours). I can see asking for a 15-minute drive once in an emergency, but not 8 hours of driving. OP, I think if you had said you were willing to drive her a short distance, a high percentage would have said YANBU. Quote: "Even if the hospital was 20 minutes away, my answer would still have been no."

You can't see the issue of being supportive towards a neighbour that she hardly knows when OP would have to use some of her annual leave to do four 2-hour round trips when this woman has adult children and a partner? Her adult children could request compassionate leave to fulfil these requests as it is their mother. OP isn't a close relative so couldn't do that so would either need to make the time up or use her annual leave.

The neighbour hasn't bothered with her in the four years that OP has lived there. She hasn't done OP any favours that she needs to reciprocate and when OP takes in deliveries for this woman, the neighbour doesn't come to collect them, OP or her husband needs to take them round. It all adds up to paint a picture of a pretty selfish and entitled woman, particularly as she just stormed off when OP said that she couldn't help.

Very cheeky of her to ask imo. If she's that desperate she can get a taxi like everyone else needs to do when they have no lift/can't drive / can't take public transport.

I'd have said I'll get back to you and then worked out how many I could do without so just inconvenience. How far is the hospital. It would have been a nice way to stqrt to build more of a relationship with the neighbour. Neighbours are useful to know and nice to have relationships with especially as you get older. Like others have said, she must have been in need

tbh you seem very entrenched in your view and so this thread feels a little pointless.