Ex wants me to lie to DS

[Magpiesinthegarden]

DS has broken his phone screen and it’s £200 to fix it. Ex and I have agreed that we will go 50/50 to pay for it to be fixed. Ex will take the phone in and I’ll send him the money.

Ex has said not to tell DS he’s paying me half towards it as DS wouldn’t like that his Dad is giving me money. So ex wants to lie to DS and say I paid the whole amount.

AIBU to be uncomfortable about lying to DS and should I either pay the whole amount or tell DS it is from us both?

I think i may have misinterpreted the first few posts, I read it as the ex saying CM as to not upset the son (for whatever bizarre reason) if he was to see the bank transfer, but I've now read more, ie about the parental alienation!

And so the abuse continues. And your DS is learning from a master!

I'm sorry to be saying this, but your ex and DS sound like a pair of oddballs. What an effing carry on....🙄

He thinks so little of you that says he will shit/piss on your photographs but thinks you should pay to have his phone mended? Tell the entitled little shit to pay for it himself or get his wonderful father to pay for it.

Your ex has either enabled or given your son some toxic ideas sadly.

I would be inclined to say I was paying nothing and let your ex sort it out.

This is much worse than a simple phone screen the hatred towards you / women form your son is a huge huge gleaming red flag.

This is what I love about this new breed of MRAs. They have absolutely no pride. They detest women and think we should all be shackled to the kitchen yet expect to be financially supported by us. At least old-school misogynists paid their own bills.

I suspect the screen costs £100 to fix and you will give the money thinking it is for your half of the repair. Then ex will say he paid to fix it and show DS the receipt showing he paid for it all

How does this money change hands. I would wouldn’t be giving ex anything in cash but transferring it to his bank with the reference DS’s phone repair. And I would refuse to accept cash from ex but have him transfer the money into your account with the reference for what it is for

Can you not take this custody arrangement back to court citing parental alienation
Or would SS get involved for abusive parenting

Whilst DS will say he wants to stay with his dad would the inappropriate parenting he is receiving from him come under scrutiny

Never ever lie.

Always ask why he wants you to lie and do it with DS present.

That's a reasonable price for a screen of that type and I'm in a northern working class town

Not much help with your original query but I don't think you're being ripped off.

If my son hated me that much I would give him to my ex. Not a chance would I entertain him.

Your ex sounds like a complete tool… a deceitful duplicitous one. I’d play the game probably. Nip into a local phone repair place… mine sells vapes and looks like nothing but the guys there have replaced my DDs phone screen 2 or 3 times 🙄 for £75 or £80 a time. They’ve just replaced my phone battery for £80. Nip in and see what it would cost and if it’s not £200 you can helpfully tell them that you’ve found a much cheaper place to get it fixed. I fear it will be a drop in the ocean against the tide of whatever is happening but at least you will know. I’m in the South east in an expensive part of the world fyi.

On a side note, use screen protectors in the future!

Your ds's attitude sounds absolutely appalling, op.
I'd be telling him the truth, about all of it. And take action about his attitude to you and his believing your ex. Not sure what that action should be from here, of course, because it's very hard, but maybe if he knows that you always tell him the truth that would be a start.

I’m in the same position as your ex. I have my son full time. DS’s mother contributes nothing, but to be fair to her I have never pursued it. The financials really are a me and her problem. It’s absolutely imperative that children are shielded from conflict and one parent running down the other verbally.

This isn’t “lying” it’s safeguarding. I’ve told my son that both me and his mother BOTH love him very much, but somtime’s we’ll disagree on things (which doesn’t mean either one of us are necessarily right btw). I’ve also told him some stuff I’ll have to keep for when he’s older as my primary job is to give him as happy a childhood and launchpad into life as I possibly can.

I’ve also stressed to him that in the end his Mum and I are each doing our best, even when we disagree but it’s absolutely imperative he doesn’t feel he has to take a side when we conflict.

See the thing is I’ve been in both my son and your son’s position. In that I grew up in a broken home where I was very much hearing one of my parents running down the other. I took sides, but honestly it wrecked a lot in me psychologically, because no matter what you’d do wanna love your parents and identify with both of them. So in my case I ended
up wrestling with a lot of self hatred that should never have been mine to carry.

I’m quite concerned what your son is hearing at his dad’s.

I’m in the same position as your ex. I have my son full time. DS’s mother contributes nothing, but to be fair to her I have never pursued it. The financials really are a me and her problem. It’s absolutely imperative that children are shielded from conflict and one parent running down the other verbally.

This isn’t “lying” it’s safeguarding. I’ve told my son that both me and his mother BOTH love him very much, but somtime’s we’ll disagree on things (which doesn’t mean either one of us are necessarily right btw). I’ve also told him some stuff I’ll have to keep for when he’s older as my primary job is to give him as happy a childhood and launchpad into life as I possibly can.

I’ve also stressed to him that in the end his Mum and I are each doing our best, even when we disagree but it’s absolutely imperative he doesn’t feel he has to take a side when we conflict.

See the thing is I’ve been in both my son and your son’s position. In that I grew up in a broken home where I was very much hearing one of my parents running down the other. I took sides, but honestly it wrecked a lot in me psychologically, because no matter what you’d do wanna love your parents and identify with both of them. So in my case I ended
up wrestling with a lot of self hatred that should never have been mine to carry.

I’m quite concerned what your son is hearing at his dad’s.

Give your ex nothing. He earns a lot more than you. He's fostered the parental alienation between you and your son. He's not to be trusted.

You'll be in the wrong with your son no matter what you do. Hopefully his eventual maturity will repair your relationship. Unfortunately he's a 14yr old (potential) chip off the old block atm. Don't allow him to treat you with disrespect. It's totally unacceptable.

You don’t need to lie.

You just tell him that you gave his dad the money to get the screen fixed - this is true. You don’t need to say you only paid half.

And just be honest about everything else.
I’m assuming his dad is now the one who receives CB and you pay maintenance and so let DS know this.

Yes OP has said that this is exactly the problem.

He feels his dad is hard done by and that OP is taking his child benefit etc and so feels like it’s not fair that his dad is paying to fix the screen.

I’m not sure who that poster is but it may be the same people.

There is often 3 sides to every story and OP has admitted to being the one to claim CB and UC in the beginning, which obviously isn’t great.

No, the son gets angry when his mother gets help from his father. This is not, at the moment, about generalised misogyny I dont think - its about the son's feelings about his mother (anger, betrayal, abandonment? - they may not be fair but I bet he feels them) which his "dear" father is stoking.

Sorry OP there is a lot to unpack here, you need to set the record straight with your son. You ex sounds like a piece of work but why on earth are you not standing up for yourself. Why should it just be you paying? Why haven't you expressed your ex is earning a decent amount, get your son in therapy.