Ex wants me to lie to DS

[Magpiesinthegarden]

DS has broken his phone screen and it’s £200 to fix it. Ex and I have agreed that we will go 50/50 to pay for it to be fixed. Ex will take the phone in and I’ll send him the money.

Ex has said not to tell DS he’s paying me half towards it as DS wouldn’t like that his Dad is giving me money. So ex wants to lie to DS and say I paid the whole amount.

AIBU to be uncomfortable about lying to DS and should I either pay the whole amount or tell DS it is from us both?

Why is your ex scared of parenting, he should just tell your son he pays half for anything son related. He should also pay half of the contract and upgrades (unless you use maintenance payments for that)

Good God I sooo hope you're not a parent. This child is already being emotionally abused by his father, and now you want his mother to join in too? His problem is not immaturity, its a toxic home environment.

The OP is being so manipulated it’s beyond depressing. Pay nothing without a receipt. I suspect your ex has brainwashed your son and is now gaslighting you too. You all need counselling.

He is emotionally abusing his mother now. How many adult sons kill their mother? Usually after years of using and abusing them.
Should she continue to let him wipe his feet in her, threatening to piss and shit on her photo? He is past helping, he hates her. He can hate her from a distance.
Yes, I am a parent and I would not tolerate this kind of hate aimed towards me. He has a choice, he might be 14 but only he can choose to be a decent human and not a woman hater.
There are many young boys who grew up with similar fathers and didn’t copy the behaviour.

@Magpiesinthegarden This is a very hard situation. Your ds gets angry when women receive help from men? It's worrying if this is what he believes about mothers and I think likely must believe some very problematic things about women in general to hold these views. He's being groomed to be abusive towards women.

Can you speak with pastoral lead at school? I suggest that as with him living with Dad you may not be able to get outside of school supports. I wonder if there's anything in the PHSE curriculum that could help address this? If you speak to school I wouldn't share it as a custody issue/problem with your ex as they won't want to be involved, I'd talk about his growing increasing hostility towards women and wondering (especially in light of the announcement about new strategies to address misogyny in schools) whether there's any current supports that could be directed towards his class, year group etc.

Well that’s that then. ‘No dickhead ex, last time I did that you took it out of maintenance. I’m just going to tell our son the truth and you can tell him 1. The money is for his phone not for me to buy myself flowers, and 2. Real men help out their kids mum anyway.’

Isnt it the other way around though, if you are sending the 50% to exP?
I’d tell the kid that either his parents split the cost, or his phone screen remains bust. If he’s old enough for such an expensive device, he’s old enough to process such an arrangement.
Assuming this lad has expressed such a cavil in the first place of course, and this isn’t exP’s attempt to look, in DS’s eyes, like the sole generous parent.

Nope.
Ds, the phone is £200,to fix. I have £100:and your Dad will pay £100. Do you want that to happen or would you rather have a broken phone?

Your son needs to see a therapist. He sounds like an incel. You wouldn’t want him to repeat this with a future girlfriend and children. Do something before it’s too late. Don’t pay a penny for your son’s phone repair - your son doesn’t respect you.

No way. Tell your ex actually he can pay it unless you pick the shop and get the reciept. He’s not on your side one bit ahd you shouldn’t trust him if he tells you what time it is.

or just get a quote at your local shop, share ir with your ex and say I’ll pay half of this. And I’ll tell ds the truht because last time you had me lie to him about you contributing you took it out of maintenance.

im so sorry op, he’s taking your son from you.

OP, I really feel for you. Your son is already an MRA at fourteen.

People are advising therapy, but how do therapists handle situations such as this? Your son may hide his attitude to women and give the therapist a completely false image of the situation. And if he's upfront about how he views women, and the therapist calls him out, won't he just stop attending?

Are you still receiving CB and UC for DS even though he lives with his dad?

Do you pay his dad maintenance?

Your helping your son as is his dad

neither of you are helping each other over this

This is heartbreaking. Your ex has completely poisoned your son against you. How much contact do you have with your son? You need to try and repair the damage now before it's too late. And don't ever lie for your ex as it will come back to bite you.

Do not play this game and dont reward these little fuckers (father and sons) bad behaviour.

Let him and his dad pay for the phone he allegedly broke. Is it even broken???

I'd also cancel thst phone contract once the term is up

You are being an absolute mug.

If i couldnt take it and repair it myself no way would I pay for this. You must see this is all nonsense ... none of these lies even makes sense...

I agree with this. All this “he’s just a child” nonsense is ridiculous. He is more than old enough to understand the consequences of his actions. In OP’s shoes I would no longer be prepared to see him or play into these games. He has threatened to shit on photos of her. That is a dangerous individual in the making. I would not be prepared to be alone with him under any circumstances-the awful rise in men killing their own mothers demonstrates the need to be cautious.

OP: pay your legal obligations (child maintenance etc.) and leave it at that. No tit for tat discussions with these two misogynists.

Who are the parents of the child who broke the phone?

Who bought the phone originally?

(And is the phone repair shop owned by a mate of his?)

This is really awful, I'm sorry OP. I would stop doing anything nice for DS until he improves his attitude towards you.

This is way more of a problem that who paid for what. Do you mean he’s loyalty bonded? This sounds abusive and will backfire on you if so. Part of loyalty bonding has got to include belittling of you and control of your DS. My ex tries this all the time with my DD and it’s awful and damaging.

If the phone was broken whilst he was with his dad then his dad can sort it & pay.

If you are supposed to pay re the phone then it should be given to you to take where you want.

You can check the official price here. A local place will be cheaper support.apple.com/en-gb/iphone/repair/screen-replacement?services=service

F-ing hell OP.
I think this is one of the worst things I've read on here (the thing about the photos).
I'm so so sorry.

Gosh op, I just read your further replies. This man is controlling and abusive. He’s ruining your relationship with you son.

My ex tries this all the time and he’s subtly trying to condition my DD to think women are less and does the whole forced loyalty thing with her. It takes so much of my time and energy trying to rectify what he’s doing. Only yesterday she said climate change is a hoax (his words) Luckily, she lives with me so I can try and counter-balance it but it’s so very difficult.

@Magpiesinthegarden £200? A high street place can do it for much less. I’d leave them both to it. You are getting dragged into stuff by your manipulative ex.

This is crazy. Why are you and your ex letting your child have this much say and control. He wants to be grateful he is getting his phone fixed and surely none of his business who pays. Given he lives with his dad, that cost would more naturally be his dad’s so fact son think you should pay is worrying. This all seems very troubling if i’m honest.