Ex wants me to lie to DS

[Magpiesinthegarden]

DS has broken his phone screen and it’s £200 to fix it. Ex and I have agreed that we will go 50/50 to pay for it to be fixed. Ex will take the phone in and I’ll send him the money.

Ex has said not to tell DS he’s paying me half towards it as DS wouldn’t like that his Dad is giving me money. So ex wants to lie to DS and say I paid the whole amount.

AIBU to be uncomfortable about lying to DS and should I either pay the whole amount or tell DS it is from us both?

Too many mind games.

Why can't you and ex pay for the phone screen to be fixed and just to say DS 'here's your phone, it's fixed, please take better care of it' and leave it at that.

If DS follows up with 'who paid for it?' be honest. Ex and I both paid for it as it's too expensive to justfy either paying for it themselves. Any issues with this get a weekend job and feel free to pay dad and I back.

He's not helping you he's helping his son.

I wouldn't be surprised if he gets you to tell him you paid for all of it and then tells him he paid half to make you look like a liar.

And your son is 14, he needs to be told that adult finances are none of his business and you will not be discussing them with him.

WTF?

He's not helping you out, he's helping DS. Some muddled thinking going on here.

And who's manipulated him into that? 100% be telling your son the truth because your ex can use this against you in the future see mum didn't even tell you I payed for the phone screen.

Seriously? That's mental. UK teenagers are watching live streams of US divorce and custody hearings and then getting misogynistic ideas from it?!

This is all completely mental.

OP your ex shouldn't be asking you to lie. You and your ex need to sit down with your son and explain why you got divorced and the financial situation. And your ex needs to back you up. Unless you have done something dreadful to your ex financially of course!

This feels like a trap. You go tell your son you've paid for his phone repair all by yourself, then he can show the son that he actually paid for half of it. Then can make you out to be a liar

This is fucking weird. Do not lie.

Don’t pander to this nonsense OP.

Oh I have a manipulative family member who regularly pleads poverty (usual story, they're richer than all of us), so this makes sense to me.

For my family member it's part of their schtick that they're perpetually martyred and hard-done-by. Plus they're naturally very tight.

So pretending they can't afford something they can in fact easily afford, and at the same time using it to claim victimisation by their enemy, is totally normal for them.

So his dad is enabling the minimizing of 'you' as his mother and acting like he's the Big Hero Dad with your mutual child.

He is actively downplaying your importance/role in your own child's life to make himself look better. At your expense. Literally, in this case.

Fuck that.

Is DS even going to ask who paid? Just say "here's your phone".

He's an asshole. Pleading poverty while scapegoating you. FFS

I can see why you left him.

Plus pleading poverty means ex doesn't have to shell out for other things DS might reasonably have asked for.

If ex suddenly magically has money for the phone, that could raise awkward questions.

My question is Why so much for a screen replacement? I've had a couple of iPhones that had screens replaced and cost less than a hundred. Are you sure it's costing that much.
I'd take the kid and phone to the repair shop with me and get it done. Stop playing your Ex's stupid games.

There are obviously big problems here.

I wouldn't lie to your son, if it comes up I'd just be honest and say you and his father paid half for it each. I'm not sure why your son thinks that his broken screen is fully your responsibility to pay for. At that age my parents would have made me pay for it and if I couldn't afford it (I did have a pt job at his age but I am aware it's much more difficult now for that age group) then I'd have to earn the money from them to pay for it.

Let me get this straight...

Your son is misogynistic
Your ex wants to lie he contributed
Then your ex is going to tell your son he contributed and you lied
To reinforce his misogyny.

You are being manipulated OP and your DS needs help, and soon.

I would think OP, that if DS would be upset at the thought of his parents working together to pay 50/50 then it would be best if he payed for his phone repair with his own money.

Edited to add that I suspect that Dad will tell DS at some point in the future that he also contributed to the phone repair and use it to make you look bad,

This sounds weird. I wouldn’t get into all this nonsense tbh. Tell the truth and if your DS for some reason kicks off about it just tell him that both you and his dad have equal responsibility for providing for him so paying 50/50 on a phone repair is not anything unusual. Also do you think that DS would actually have a problem or is this just your Ex being weird?

This is odd. How old is the child? Why's it costing £200 to repair? I've taken phones to places near us to have screens repaired in the past and it's nowhere near that expensive.

I ask age because if this had been my 20 or 18 year old they would have to pay for it themselves. If it were my 14 yo, he would be expected to pay towards the cost as £200 is far too much. And if that meant waiting months and months for him to do car washing or whatever to earn that money, so be it. They need to learn that we won't swoop in and fix their messes when they're very expensive and not an emergency.

A 14 year old with a phone costing 200 to fix is way ott . My 3 teens had phones between them that didn't cost me 200 quid...

The clear truth is what you need. 'Dad and I are going half each.'

ExH asking you to lie is a power play. At some point he'll tell your son he paid half but that you didn't tell DS because you're greedy/grasping/using him for money etc etc.

The truth may not go down well with DS but that isn't an issue caused by you.

You and your ex are really going about this all wrong. Regardless of who pays for what, it's far healthier for you child to know that both of his parents are responsible for him, that both of his parents are looking out for him and that the parents will work together for his interests when needed.

He will grow up feeling a lot more stable than one parent pitting against the other. It's immature and totally not needed. Tell your son the truth, start putting an end to this games and stop playing along? Far healthier.

Weird story. Essentially he wants his DS to think he’s really poor for some reason when he isn’t and having him believe you paid for the full repair plays into this. Why does he want DS to think he’s poor?

I don't think he does. If the son is misogynistic, then ex may be fostering that feeling. So he may tell DS down the line that he had to step in and pay (and didn't say anything as OP likes to take credit for stuff), which would turn the DS against his mum even more.

It sounds highly manipulative and much deeper than just a who pays for a phone repair issue.