First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

You don’t give to receive, OP. They don’t owe you anything.

It's basic manners to acknowledge their generosity.

I think being thanked is just good manners. Do you not teach your children to say thank you when they’re given something?

This is exactly it, why keep it secret.

OP kept it secret, didn't say anything at the time, OR at the end, the son had quite obviously said something about the bill being covered, but it was all very hush hush, HE didn't even say thank you to his parents, which would have clarified the situation for the other parents.

I'm an outgoing person and even I'd be a bit baffled with something weird like this, why should the other family have to pretend they don't know the bill has been paid yet not know by who or why, just to prompt the conversation, only for OP to THEN say 'don't worry, we've already paid it' .. It is unbelievably awkward to put someone in that position IMO.

My sister who is quite shy socially would have done the same as them rather than "risk offending" anyone by asking about payment, she'd have probably asked her daughter afterwards what all that was about and why it was secretly paid and no one said anything at the end? Then felt bad that she didn't say thank you.

They shouldn't really be branded as rude and ungrateful if it appeared to be a secret who was paying, OP made it weird and everyone else just followed their lead.

That is bad manners even if they’d been given the heads up that you’d pay. Perhaps they are socially awkward?

Indeed.

And the OP explained that they went to the bar to pay because the service was so terrible - they'd tried to attract the waiter's attention, but no-one had responded.

It wasn't sneaky or one-upmanship - it was generosity. Which was completely ignored - very rude.

If it makes you uncomfortable to be paid for, you need to get over yourself, and summon up some grace and good manners:

"Thank you that is very kind of you and completely unnecessary, but thank you. Next time, it's our treat."

they'd tried to attract the waiter's attention, but no-one had responded.

This didn't happen! She specifically said they went to the bar and no one knew they'd paid. Presumably the bill hadn't arrived at the table, or been asked for as the service was so poor, do you really think if they were sat there with the bill and their debit card out trying to attract attention that the other parents wouldn't have known they were trying to pay?? OP had already planned to pay for everyone and went to do it in secret, hoping it would be mentioned at the end of the meal so she could THEN tell them she'd paid it at the point.. So weird IMO.

The WHOLE POINT of OPs thread is everyone got up at the end without saying anything about paying, even though "none of them knew it had been paid", they obviously did know, presumably by the kids saying something, but there was this weird secrecy about it, and no cue to acknowledge, so no one knew what to say.

OP led the weirdness on this by doing it secretly and not saying anything IMO, almost testing everyone else, it's not a kind gesture, it's bloody weird if you ask me.

I don't like that they did not acknowledge or show appreciation...

But for the bigger picture and moving forward, I'd assume that they intend to pick up the bill next time.

When me and my partner got engaged, we asked my Dad and his parents to join us for a celebration meal. Just at a nice pub and happened to be when my Dad was visiting. When the final bill came, me and my partner came, my Dad pulled out £30 for his share, which was also a bit of a a tip. My In Laws told my partner they would transfer money over later. They never did haha.

I suppose it was our idea and invite but my Dad was incredulous that they offered and never followed through.

Or equally it's bad manners to insist on paying, and doing so secretly so removing any opportunity for the others to request that the bill is split, even when it makes the other party feel uncomfortable. It's not actually a kind and generous offer if it leaves the other person feeling bad.
Most of us who would hate this have said that we'd suck it up and say thank you - with all the good grace and manners you'd hope for - because that's what you do, but it wouldn't be a genuine thanks.

I would remind them until they paid!

Did you all get on with each other over the meal op? What are they like as people?

They should have thanked you. But secretly paying the whole bill for another set of parents is a bit of an odd move too.

You're peers. It's the sort of thing I'd expect grandparents to do for younger family members, not one set of parents to do to another. It can come across as patronising, or a bit of a grand gesture.

A simple "our treat" before you got up to pay the bill would have made everything much less awkward.

A similar thing happened to us. My son 28 has a newish girlfriend and we took them both out for a meal to get to know her. At the end we paid but there was no thank you from her. We thought maybe an oversight, maybe she was nervous and let it go. We subsequently took them out fir three more meals and again she didn't offer to even buy a round of drinks or say thank you at the end. I don't know what to think - I desperately want to like her and she seems ok beside this issue.

Not good. Ds1's gf wants to pay for our meals and often buys a round. We pay for meals. Ds often pays too. They earn well.

She sounds rude.

similar situation, both parties paid unbeknown to each other , due to staff not closing the bill , luckily someone noticed and we got a payment refunded , maybe you’ve both paid & they wonder why you’ve not thanked them

It’s not about owing, it’s about manners. A simple thank you isn’t a big ask!

"Socially awkward"? 😂careful you don't put your back out with that reach 😂

How convenient - not awkward enough to accept an invite, go to the restaurant, eat the meal, socialise... but too socially awkward to say "thanks for paying"??

How (and why) do people come up with these ridiculous excuses for total bad manners? Utterly bizarre

Next it'll be - they probably are on the spectrum/ have bad mental health/ early onset dementia. Anything but "what ignorant grifters"

OP, just wondering, do you think the in-laws might have believed that your.son paid ?. didn't you say that he chose the restaurant?.Did he issue the invites,. make the arrangements? If the in-laws thought that he had paid then that could explain why they didn't say anything.

Sorry if this has already been covered.

🤣😂Plain rude not to thank the op I agree!

My son isn't old enough for me to be in OP's position yet, but I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I went for dinner with my parents and in laws.

If either set of parents disappeared to pay the whole bill and didn't say anything before or after, I think that would be quite odd. Obviously it's very generous of them to cover the cost of everyone's food and drink, but it's also presumptuous and puts the non paying guests in a slightly awkward position (especially if the paying guests don't mention they're doing it). I think my parents would find it uncomfortable if they found out my in laws covertly paid the bill and not mentioned it, but they would have said thank you (and probably "you didn't need to do that/we'll get it next time").

Since OP didn't say anything about paying for the bill either before or after she did it, was she hoping someone would say "shall we ask for the bill?" so she/her husband could bask in the glory of having already paid? I'm just trying to work out how OP was expecting this to play out.

Yes it was generous of OP to pay and yes it was rude of the in laws not to say thank you, but there was also something odd about how OP handled this.

It's terrible bad manners not to thank you. Hopefully a thank you card is on the way but thanks again the end should have happened too!

I totally agree with this.

I hate it when people stealth pay for the bill. I feel like it’s so under hand and patronising.

if you want to pay for the bill you either mention it before hand and say ‘this is our treat’ or you do it when the bill comes.

While I agree 100% that it was rude of the in laws not say something like 'Oh have you paid already? Let us chip in half' and then say ' Thanks so much - our treat next time' it is quite odd of you guys not to say 'We've paid - this is our treat'. It became a kind of strange silent transaction that no one knew the rules for.