First meal out with son’s wife’s parents and they let us pick up the whole bill.

[50sandFabulous]

What would you make of this? Son got married recently. Obviously, we have met his parents. However, we have never been out with them before.

The other day we met for lunch, there were six of us there in total. I had said to my husband that we should pay for the whole thing just as a nice gesture.

We went up to the bar at some point and paid for the whole tab. No one knew that we had done this.

When it was time to leave, everybody just left the restaurant and absolutely nobody queried about the bill. Is this not a bit mad?

So basically, we have paid for everybody (which we were always going to do), but there has been no acknowledgement from anybody about the fact that the bill has been paid and absolutely no thank you. I just find this really really weird!

I was expecting somebody to say, oh we need to get the bill, and then I would have said don’t worry it’s covered, but that did not happen!

Where does she say to them that she is considerably richer? I read she paid more towards the wedding.

I have no idea about the parents financial situation. I just don't know them well enough. If I had to guess, I would say we probably have more disposable income, purely because our kids have left home, whereas not all of theirs have. And some are not even adults yet - there are a lot of kids!

How did they know 'full well' it was paid for?

Your interpretation of the events is quite strange.

If the in laws knew from the start it was a treat, they would/ should have offered profuse thanks at the end of the meal.
Not just go home with no mention of it.

I agree that whoever pays for a meal should say so upfront like 'This is our treat / it's on us' because in all honesty, that can affect the choice of food people make. eg not 50gms of best caviar, but something more modest.

I assume the meal was in a pub or a similar chain simply because they paid at the till/bar. It's usual in a restaurant to have the bill brought to the table.

Ok, I was with you until this post.

Yes, it’s pissing annoying when someone constantly sneaks off to pay, and won’t ever let you pay for anything. You start to feel like you owe them, even if they insist you do not, and you’re robbed of the chance to do something nice for others as well. Paying the bill occasionally, fine. Pulling that move repeatedly - controlling and weird. There’s a line. That you refuse to acknowledge that on this thread now has me wondering whether you have form for this and actually, you’re pissing off the in-laws.

It’s like someone saying, “don’t buy me a Christmas present”, every year and then ‘surprising’ you with a lavish gift each time. It’s not actually a nice thing to do. Creates a weird power dynamic.

And yes, just done a straw poll of the office and every single person has, on more than one occasion, forgotten about paying the bill - conversation’s flowing, everyone gets up and puts their coats on, move out the door. Then had the panic a few hours later, and sent the money they owe across to the person who had their head in the game and actually paid the bill 😂

So yes, ‘they’ walk among us and are quite normal, it appears.

Manners don't cost a penny.

It was the first time they went out.

I wouldn’t like it because a) I’d find it condescending b) I’d be concerned I’d need to reciprocate at a time when I may not be able to afford to and c) I’d baulk at having to be grateful for something that made me feel uncomfortable when I’d have been much happier buying my own dinner.

In fairness this approach can make it feel uncomfortable when ordering. I mean if you want the whole lobster, or the most expensive wine, and someone has just said they will pay, it would kind of cramp your style - and so it should really.

I think there are lots of ways it could have been handled differently that would all be ok, but the one thing I can't wrap my head round is once it had been paid for, the ILs didn't even thank. Even if they thought OP and her DH had been utter pompous idiots throughout, I still think they could have said something like "well next time we are actually happy to contribute, but thank you anyway." That makes it clear they would prefer agency, but still thanks for the shout.

Wow that really is very rude.

this is the sort of thing i would do

🤮🤮🤮 What are you even doing on here, don't you have some roundabouts to be painting?

Well OP im as shocked as you to some of these replies, .
Now your left to look petty,for questioning it.
Honestly good manners cost nothing. I think I would be having words with my son,seems you've been taken for granted here,that would not sit right with me. My husband would always pay the bill that's his nature,but adult sons married or not would put up for the drinks bill at least. The discussion would be there as a family,. However Dils family come across as quite ignorant and lacking manners,. Did you get on with them or was it polite or awkward.

I’m also shocked but it shows how grabby people are with someone else’s money, how ill mannered and how envious they are the op can afford to pay for lunch. It’s really shocking.

So you’d not say thanks,and you’d go only wanting to pay for youself, and you can’t see that’s ill mannered.

I’ve never walked out a restaurant and forgot to pay. It really isn’t something people do on the regular, or dine and dash would be way more prolific than it is.

and if someone pays you say thanks and you pay next time, it still costs you the same. You don’t sit there like a petulant child annoyed or pretend you forgot to pay and that’s normal.

Did your son and his wife organise this lunch. Did your son not acknowledge that you had paid if not the in laws are not the only ones without manners. I am most likely to believe the scenario that your son said your husband paid (when obviously got up from the table and went to the bar) and they thanked him.

Yes, he may have just casually said ‘ it’s sorted’ so they assumed he’s paid and thanked him.

Of course they knew full well it was paid for, no one would just get up at the end of a meal and walk out, so there's some dynamic here that OP is unaware of.

I actually think the son may be pulling fast one, he has chosen the place to go so I think he could have told her parents it would be his/their treat when inviting them, obviously his mum and dad did what they always do (probably not unnoticed by the her parents) and the son has chosen not to say anything to correct anyone.

If the other parents thought the son was paying but then noticed the parents secretly pay then come back to the table without saying anything, it would be quite awkward at the end of the meal, which it was.. they may think they aren't supposed to know the parents have been and paid on his behalf, so shouldn't acknowledge it, then they don't say thank you to the son either as they know he has had his parents pay for everyone in secret.

The fact that the son didn't say thank you to his parents at the end of the meal, also points to this too, he always says thank you, but didn't this time?

I genuinely don't understand why OP would keep the payment a secret, they fully intended to pay for everyone anyway!! So why not say something before, during or even AFTER the meal!!

I absolutely despise 'the dance'. It's always clear who's invited whom, and so who's paying, and I massively get the ick about people who make a huge performance of arguing over the bill. I've actually stopped eating out with some people I know who do that every time.

I think you'll just have to be really clear next time. Ie you're happy to go halves but you're not paying as a rule. Or you go 3 ways given you're all adults. Or the in laws pay the next round.

They're clearly either very tight or not well off to not contribute at all to their daughter's wedding especially as I'm sure they k ow you paid for half, including their daughter's dress (cringe). Tbh they sound pretty awful. Do you have to see them at all?

😆

Why don’t people just have a conversation ffs?

Can you not just say “shall we just split the bill by (pick a number)?”

or

“don’t worry this one’s on us”

It’s really not hard!!!

YANBU - everyone apart from OP and her DH were incredibly rude

I think it’s odd - but until and unless you speak to your son about it I suspect more of a miscommunication or misunderstanding- he might have said he’d pay , and already received thanks , so they felt awkward thanking people he’d implied did not pay; he might have said you’d get it but didn’t want to have it acknowledged, or any number of strange explanations. I suspect most likely your son took the credit and the thanks!!!

They might be foreign, she said they live 'far away' whatever that means. How come the OP paid for the wedding dress & flowers - isn't that usually the bride's parents' responsibility or even the bride herself or the actual couole. It all depends on the 6 of them but she's saying nothing.

I think it’s very odd that you son didn’t say thank you! Have they asked your son about the bill and he’s simply said it’s paid?

Ok last time I did rhis it was my Dad's birthday- huge group (well 12) my 2 student adult gannett children who ordered steak ( DS) and multiple cocktails (DD). MIL and DMs oldest friend who are both older single women who had one cheap course each and one drank one glass of wine the other had a cup of tea, my DSIS , DBIL (who were camping to save money) and her school age children ( who ate from kids menu). Dbro and DSIL ( don't know what they ate as were down the other end of the table) and of course DM and Ddad. I wanted to treat DDad and DMum anyway would always pay for my family, so just decoded to treat the others to avoid awkardness. TBH DBro never offers but c'est la vie.